When I first started this blog a little over two years ago, I didn't know jack shit!
No doubt there are those who think I still don't know shit and haven't learned a thing.
But I feel like I have learned some things about the blogosphere and I'm going to share them. Not because I think that these are Essential Truths that should serve as guidelines for all who wish to blog. Not because I'm trying to establish some misguided Blogger Code of Ethics.
No, I'm going to share them just because this is my fucking blog and I can do whatever the hell I want.
That's Lesson #1.
The blogosphere is like the Wild West but without the rampant violence, the sweet, odoriferous mix of mud, shit, vomit, urine and blood that served as "pavement" in most city streets, untreatable boils in unspeakable places and exotic sexually transmitted diseases.
Okay, my bad, the blogosphere is EXACTLY like the Wild West. But I digress.
My point is, it's your blog and you can do anything you want. There ain't no Blogger's Union, there ain't no guidelines and there ain't no rules. To paraphrase Aleister Crowley,
"Blog what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law."
Lesson #2 - Try to include lots of links in your posts. It makes it look like you have actual sources to back up whatever point you are trying to make. Plus, your fellow bloggers and readers are drawn to links like blondes are attracted to shiny objects. A clever blogger can use this to his advantage.
Lesson #3 - You're a fucking blogger, not journalist. If you were a journalist, you wouldn't be cranking shit out for free on a goddamn blog. Don't take yourself so seriously. Douche nozzle! You aren't William F. Buckley or David McCullough. Don't overdue Lesson #2. Linking to Wiki sources is good enough.
Lesson #4 - Comment. Everywhere, all the time. Leave lots and lots of comments. Leaving comments accomplishes a couple of things. It let's the person whose blog you are reading know that you stopped by, liked what you saw, and just wanted to acknowledge it. It's a lot like dropping a buck in the guitar case of a street performer. But more importantly, it gives that blogger and people visiting that blog an opportunity to ask themselves "Who the fuck is THAT idiot?" They will then click through to your blog and you might just get some more readers.
Lesson #5 - When leaving comments (see Lesson #4) try to respect the ambiance of the Host Blog. If the blog advertises itself as a family site for exchanging photos and recipes, and you see a lot of posts about young, terminal cancer patients who want to get a brazillian emails before they die, leaving a rambling rant about what a cocksucking doorknob your fucking ex-wife was and how, when she dies, you hope Satan pimps her out to the Demonic Hordes is probably not a good way to endear yourself to the core audience. I'm just sayin'.
Lesson #6 - Try to coin clever catchphrases, like "cocksucking doorknobs" or "bosshole". This adds to the richness of the blogcabulary (see what I just did there?). Aw shit. I just googled my new creation and some fucktard beat me to it by at least a couple of years. Ass Hat!! Cock Hammer! Pickle Sucker!
Lesson #7 - Don't be a dick. Don't get into personal blog battles and pissing matches with other other bloggers or commentors. Argue the facts, but don't attack the person. Making enemies online can easily escalate into some really ugly stuff offline. There are some crazy motherfuckers out there. Poking them with sticks is not a very good idea.
Lesson #8 - Lots of bloggers use a "nom de blog". Respect it. Even if you know who the blogger really is. Some bloggers may have very valid reasons for wanting to remain anonymous. By outing them, even innocently, you could do irreperable damage. They could lose their job. It could cause familial problems. See the last three sentences of Lesson #7 for further justification as to why you don't want to go there.
Lesson #9 - POST! To paraphrase an old axiom "Bloggers blog." No one is going to add you to their Google Reader if you only post a couple of times a year. WRITE GODDAMNIT! Nobody is going to read a blog that only gets updated when the seasons change.
Lesson #10 - Poach, but credit. This is like the old Reaganism, "Trust, but Verify."
We ALL poach content. Meaning we steal stuff from other bloggers. I mean, Jesus, none of us are creative enough to sustain a blog on our own without relying on the creativity of other bloggers. But at least acknowledge that you lifted something from someone else and toss them a link. Here are a couple of examples.
33 minutes ago