Day One

Went pretty well.

My last few cigs this morning left my mouth tasting like an ashtray. My very last cigaratte was not celebrated. It was unceremoniously snubbed out with a "I'm done with you". Then I ripped up the last few cigs in the pack and tossed them in the trash along with every ashtray in the house.

Jumped in the shower, slapped on a patch and headed for work.

The patch did it's job. Do patches prolong the actual nicotine addiction? Probably. But they keep me from sucking in lung-fulls of noxious, chemical-filled smoke in order to get that nicotine. Let me get some breath back and break the habitual factor first. Then I can ween myself off the nicotine.

I am now a Non-Smoker.

Some of you might think I'm jumping the gun. Declaring myself a Non-Smoker after only 13 hours while I am still wearing a patch and have a stash of nicotine gum??

It's a matter of attitude and commitment.

If I describe myself as a "smoker trying to quit", that leaves the door wide fucking open for failure. "Well, I tried. I failed. I'll try again." Fuck that. Failure is not an option.

I am a Non-Smoker. I'm done. I don't smoke anymore. Ever. Period.

Everything else from this point forward is just a matter of dealing with the fallout from that decision and reaping the benefits.

I will admit to having one regret about no longer being a smoker.

There are so few smokers left, that when the GF and I went to a restaraunt and said "Two for smoking", we would generally get seated immediately while all of the non-smokers waited for another 45 minutes. God, that was sweet!!! Like flying First Class. Heh heh!!

I'm done.

I'm 50 years old. I'll be 51 in September. I've been a smoker since my teens. I'm probably smoking a couple of packs a day now. No more. I'm through. I have less than 1 pack left. I have my patches, I have my gum. I quit after my shower tomorrow morning, or when this pack is empty, whichever comes first.

I've quit before. The first time was in my late twenties. Was smoke free for about a year. Then I had some great sex with a waitress (and an amazing classical concert pianest) from the New Stanley in Westport (now known as Harry's Bar and Tables). She lit up, so I did too. All her fault. Not me!!

A few times over the next 20 years, I "sort of" quit. Usually substituting the cigarettes with cigars or pipes. That would work for a while. But smoking a pipe instead of cigarettes is kinda like saying "freakin" instead of "fucking" or "heck" instead of "hell". The point is the same, but it's just not as satisfying.

All of those previous attempts to quit were based on abstract concepts. I knew smoking was bad, because other people said so. I knew I should quit, because everyone said so. My significant other at the time was nagging the shit out of me to quit. But I liked smoking! I enjoyed it. Yeah, I knew it would hurt me eventually, but it ain't hurting me now! So any motivation I had was several steps removed from my own experience.

Not anymore. For the last couple of years, it has become increasingly "upclose and personal". I cough, I hack, I'm short of breath. Not just in the mornings, but ALL DAY LONG! I have curtailed some of my activities because of my smoking. I worry that I will drop dead from a heart attack mowing my lawn on a hot day. Every trashcan, sink and toilet in the house has become a "spitoon" as my body struggles to rid itself of pleghm. I'm personally embarassed at work as I cough and hack my way outside to smoke yet another cigarette. I'm sure they're all thinking "Yeah, go have another smoke...idiot!"

Enough. One of my reasons for NOT quitting was not wanting to gain weight. But I've already gained weight because I'm too short of breath and my body is too dehydrated from smoking to work out like I used to without tearing my rotator cuff (done) or aggrivating my ruptured disk (done).

It's time to stop this shit.

But one thing I WILL NOT DO is become some sort of "born again, crusading, anti-smoker". If people want to smoke they should be allowed to smoke. In restaraunts, in public, I could give a shit. Do what you want. I refuse to be an anti-smoking Nazi. I'm making a personal choce, for personal reasons, not to smoke anymore. I won't inflict my personal choice on anyone else, and I won't expect the world to conform to my decisions.

Expect some really cranky and irrationally angry posts in the next few weeks.

Stay tuned!

The End Days Are Near! Sinners Repent!

This is why it is SO FUCKING DANGEROUS to have simple-minded wackos like GWB in the White House. Because he actually believes this shit (click on the title and watch the video from CNN). And so does Cheney, and Rove, and Condi and Bolton.

We don't need to work for peace in the Middle East. Isreal in an all-out war, with maybe a few nukes tossed around, is a good thing! Means Jesus is coming back! Just get yer heart right with God and it will all be OK. Everyone else can go to Hell, just like God intended.

Should this kind of medieval, superstitious, mythological bullshit really be the foundation of the foreign policy of the United States of America?

Every single generation for the last two millenia have "seen the signs" of the imminent Second Coming. That's because the so-called "prophesies" in the book of Revelation are so generic and vague that they are pretty much always in play. There are always earthquakes, there is always bad weather and there are always wars in the Middle East. And the time table for The Return is simply given as "soon".

Rev 21:7 "And behold, I am coming soon."

Rev 21:12 "Behold, I am coming soon..."

Rev 21:20 "...Surely I am coming soon..."

It's been over 2000 years.

To paraphrase Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride, "You keep using that word (soon). I do not think it means what you think it means."

Liberals and Conservatives find common ground...

Ted Kennedy (left)

William F. Buckley (right)

Yeah. Common ground at the bottom of a bottle of 12 year old scotch.

These two probably should spend more time drinking together. God knows how many of the world's problems have been solved in bars by drunks dreading the deadline of "Last Call". Nothing quite focuses the intellectual mind as much as the prospect of being "cut off".

Traditionally followed by the judicious application of bright lights by the management, a manly hug and an "I love you, man. Drive careful."

Independence, Guns, Mormons and Brit's

"We signed two forms. One was agreeing that I was who I said I was. One was agreeing that I wouldn't point the gun anywhere I shouldn't. No I.D. was needed. No computer database was checked. A gun was produced and a very quick demo of how to load it was provided."

"I wasn't too worried as luckily the gun they gave me was just like the one Eddie Murphy used in Beverly Hills Cop. I felt confident I knew what I was doing. The only difference was this one, even with its "flush fit" magazine, could only hold 15 rounds, whereas Eddie's clearly held about 93 in that movie."

An excellent post by a "local" blogger. Go read this post for a transplanted Englishman's view of life in the mid-west. He hit the nail on the head.

Being Hip, Suburban and White can Really SUCK!

So, there I am, sitting on my big, white, flabby ass taking a break from Lawn Patrol (the backyard was beginning to resemble Nicaragua) and spending a little "quality time" with my Toshiba 46" HD DLP TV.

After surfing some of the HD channels (with the Logitech Harmony Universal Remote that my GF bought me for our second anniversary...she LOVES ME!), I settles on the last 20 minutes or so of "Without a Paddle". Funny movie. Ironic choice.


All of a sudden, there is this loud POP and the screen goes black.

After a few seconds, I notice the little green and red LEDs on the TV are both blinking in unison (the red one means the power is On, the green one means the power is Off. Fucking ass-backward Japanese). I'm thinking "What the fuck? This can't be good!"

So I go dig out my manual and the bottom line is, my projector lamp has gone to Couch Potato Heaven. That's a $200.00 light bulb!

I just bought this fucking TV at Best Buy last February! Two grand! Luckily, it's still under warranty (and so is the bulb). So I call Best Buy thinking "Fuck mowing the lawn, I needs me my HD TV!! I NEEEDSSS it, my Precious!".

I explain my circumstances to the teenaged girl on the phone, and in a very sweet, helpful voice she tells me that I need to bring the TV in so that their Geek Squad can "put it out for service" (whatever the fuck that means).

I tell her "It's a 46" fucking TV! I drive a jeep!". I'd do more damage to the TV just trying to get it to their fucking Geek Squad. I explain, "The bulb is burned out. The bulb is under warranty. I just need a new bulb. I take the old one out. You give me a new one. I put it in. Problem solved. An hour, tops!".

Oh NOOO! That's not the way they do things at Best Buy. My warranty is from Toshiba, not Best Buy. I kindly thank her for her superb customer service and going that "extra mile" that means the world to people willing to drop two grand on a fucking TV!

So here I am, blogging instead of watching Larry Moore's 120 year-old visage in disturbingly graphic High Definition detail listing the murders, rapes, robberies and general tomfoolery that I moved to the suburbs to escape.

I might actually be FORCED to watch one of the other 3 TVs in the house! All analog! One a mere 25" and the other two a pathetic 13".

How much barbaric depravity must I be subjected to? This is cruel and inhuman beyond measure!

Thank God I still have Broadband Internet Porn to fall back on for entertainment.

Now you know the hidden indignities that we white, male, suburban-dwellers must endure. Our suffering oft goes unacknowledged.

Feel my pain!

WE SHALL OVERCOME!!!

DISCLAIMER: Some of the actual verbal exchange between myself and the BB employee has been "enhanced" to selfishly promulgate my reputation as an asshole. No animals were harmed in the posting of this blog. Although I wanted to hurt one. Really, really bad!

Updated Links!!!

I've been meaning to do this for a long time. I've updated the list of my favorite blogs to reflect those bloggers who I read everyday.

Check them out, they are worth your eye-time.

Let's Drop The Big One

Since I am too tired to post a coherent list of reasons why the current conflicts in the Middle East and the situation with North Korea can all be directly tied to GWB's decision to invade, occupy and bog down our entire Armed Services in Iraq, I think I'll take the lazy way out and let Randy Newman entertain you with a musical rendition of the entire Bush Doctrine.

Hit it Randy!

From the album (yes, it was still an album back then, not a CD) "Sail Away"
Words and music by Randy Newman (probably need some sort of ASCAP verbiage here to completely cover my ass..wish I knew what it was)

POLITICAL SCIENCE

No one likes us, I don't know why.

We may not be perfect, but Heaven knows we try.

But all around, even our old friends put us down.

Let's drop The Big One, and see what happens.

We give them money, but are they grateful?

No, they're spiteful, and they're hateful.

They don't respect us, so let's surprise them.

We'll drop The Big One, and pulverize them.

Asia's crowded, Europe's too old.

Africa's far too hot and Canada's too cold.

South America stole our name.

Lets drop The Big One, there'll be no one left to blame us.

We'll save Australia ... ... don't want to hurt no Kangaroo.

We'll build an All-American 'musement park there, they got surfin' too!

BOOM goes London, and BOOM Paree,

More room for you and more room for me!

And every city, the whole world round, will just be another, American town!

Oh, how PEACEFULL it will be, WE'LL SET EVERYBODY FREE!!!!

You wear a Japanese kamona babe! It'll be Italian shoes for me!

They all hate us anyhow!

So let's drop The Big One now.

Lets Drop The Big One now!

Hell yeah, baby!

Bring it on!!

I love a good thunderstorm!!

Especially as I am going to bed.

Two Point Post

Geez. I didn't realize how long it had been since my last post! Like any of you care! LOL!

I've been a bit preoccupied.

My daughter (young Galadriel Tanqueray Onassis) is currently half-a-planet away. She was selected (last year) to be a Student Ambassador for People to People, International. She is half way through a 19 day trip to Australia. Representing America. She left July 5th and won't be back till July 24th.

I didn't mention it before because I was afraid that any association with my blog might prevent her from going. That is how paranoid I have become about the Police State that America has evolved into in the last six years under GWB.

It is a bit scary having my 12 year old daughter travelling the world knowing (as an adult) what a scary place the world has become. Particularly for Americans.

There was a time when just claiming American citizenship would guarantee you a warm welcome wherever you travelled. Not anymore.

These days, even being suspected of American citizenship is likely to get you killed in more places than ever before.

So even in an incredibly safe place like Australia, I am still concerned about my daughter because Australia is close to Indonesia...a predominantly Muslim country. And Our Government has apparently made it a personal "crusade" to piss off every Muslim on the planet.

I hope you'll forgive me if I hope that my 12 year-old daughter returns to me safely in the next 12 days and doesn't become a "warrior for freedom" against the "evil-doers and terrorists".

For the second point in my "Two Point Post", I jut rented and watched "Why We Fight".

I would really encourage everyone to watch this movie.

Particularly my Right Wing readers. I would challenge you to find one single fact that you could accurately refute. We live in the world that President Eisenhower (a Right Wing, Republican, conservative, former 5 Star General who led us to victory against the Nazis) cautioned us against.

I'm serious. Find one thing that this movie got wrong.

An extra 5 points if you can make your case without citing a source from Fox News.

Superman Returns

OK. I don't really do movie reviews.

But just saw Superman Returns with my daughter, little Galadriel Tanqueray Onassis (GTO) and had a few thoughts to get down on e-paper.

First of all, I liked it. Go see it. It's fucking Superman. You can't go wrong with the Big Blue Boy Scout and state of the art CGI.

*******MINOR SPOILER ALERT*******

I won't give too much away, but if you want to see the movie completely virginized, stop reading now.



OK. Still with me?

Supes and Kent are both gone for 5 years and both come back on the same day with nothing but a pair of glasses to account for the difference?? C'mon. I can suspend my disbelief long enough to account for an alien coming to earth with superpowers. But I have trouble swallowing the idea that anybody could be that blind and stupid. But then again, GWB is in his second term and a lot of folks seem to believe that Iraq was somehow involved with 9/11. Maybe I am overestimating people's critical thinking skills. Sorry. Political digression.

Plus. he's fucking Superman. He couldn't cobble together a Clark Kent robot or something to fill in while he's gone? He had a whole warehouse full of Superman robots in the comics.

I loved the bit with the gattling gun. But why someone robbing a bank would go to the trouble of hauling a gantry mounted, swiveling, counter-weighted gattling gun to the roof of a building is beyond me. Seems to me like getting in and out quietly and unnoticed might be a better plan of action. But, criminals are stupid and it made for a great scene, so who cares?

But the thing that really, REALLY bugged me was this. With all of the Kryptonian's advanced technology ( building entire continents from crystals, holographic memory, interstellar flight, the Phantom Zone, etc.), don't you think they could have come up with a more elegant way of landing a space craft than hurling it into a flaming crater, destroying the craft and incapacitating the occupant?? I'm no rocket scientist, but I'm thinking, maybe put some wheels on the fucker. Or a parachute. Something. Hurling it into the ground at reentry speeds and leaving a flaming gouge a mile long behind you just seems a bit wasteful and overly dramatic.

But it's still a good movie. Brandon Routh does a good job channeling Christopher Reeve and doesn't look quite as gay in the redesigned Superman costume as George Clooney did buckling his Batman Utility Belt.

Go. See. Enjoy.