Mind Your Own Goddamn Business!!

Some Raytown woman has her knickers in a twist because some guy was watching porn on a DVD player in his car.

"My curiosity got going about it. What is he watching?"

When she drove up to the corner at 63rd Street and Woodson Road, she realized what kind of movie was playing.

"It doesn't take too much to figure that out. You know, if he's too busy watching the movie, he's not paying attention to the people around him."

I think she's paying just a little bit too much attention to the people around her. Nosy bitch. None of your fucking business what someone else is doing in their car.

Now, I agree that drivers should drive and not be doing other things...like talking on their fucking cell phones, putting on makeup, pointing out local landmarks to their out of town hick relatives, and, my biggest pet peeve, READING!! Eyes up, motherfucker! Pay attention!!

So while I agree in principal with the woman's stated concern that the driver in question was distracted, I think she was even more distracted (and maybe just a little bit turned on? C'mon! Admit it! You were getting all wet and light-headed just thinking about it, weren't ya? "Oh my! Is that SEX? People having SEX? Is that what that is? Oh my!! Is it getting hot in here?").

I think she just has a bug up her ass about porn (the primary justification for the existence of the Internet. Remember...it was invented by computer nerds. 'Nuff said!)

A word to the wise from Uncle Xavier. Keep your fucking eyes on the road, hands at "10 and 2", assume every other driver is an idiot out to kill you, anticipate other drivers actions and drive defensively. Oh, and if you see a sign that says "Welcome To Kansas", swerve across all 4 lanes, cross the median and head back to Missouri. Johnson County is a death trap filled with inconsiderate, ass-riding, arrogant fucks who are paying even less attention to road conditions than the guy in Raytown choking his chicken in traffic.

And most important of all (in traffic and life in general), the key to a long and prosperous life is to mind your own fucking business and leave everyone else the hell alone. Especially me.

Killer Candles

Bought some new candles today (no homo) and just noticed the WARNING LABEL on the bottom (again, no homo).

DO NOT REMOVE THIS LABEL

WARNING: FAILURE TO FOLLOW THESE DIRECTIONS COULD RESULT IN UNEXPECTED FIRE HAZARD OR PERSONAL INJURY.

Completely remove plastic film and paper label (including this paper label...I'm already confused!!) before lighting. Never burn a candle on or near anything that can catch fire. Burn candle within sight. Trim wick to 1/4 inch before each lighting. Stop use when 1/2 inch of wax remains. Keep wax free of wick trimmings, matches or any other material. Do not place candle on warmer or other heated surface. Do not touch or move while candle is hot.

KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN AND PETS.

Who knew candles could be so dangerous?!

Am I nuts, or is anything more than a warning that "Shit that's on fire can burn you and catch other shit on fire" just pandering to stupidity? Who needs to be warned about that?

For even more stupidity, go HERE.

WARNING: Clicking on the above link may induce uncontrollable laughter, unexpected rage, spontaneous incontinence, occasional impotence, sporadic hair loss, embarassing itching and scratching, a burning sensation in the genitals, blurry vision, nausea and possible projectile vomiting, bloody stools, spastic twitching, an inexplicable increase in ear wax, bigger boogers, slurring of speech, really freaky birth defects (we're talking Ripley's here), premature ejaculations and menstration (in both men and women), and, of course, cancer.

Blatant Hypocrisy

I've been meaning to point this out for some time. But there was some really good stuff on TV, the Girl Friend came over, had to pay some bills. Got distracted.

But I cannot believe that Our President, the guy who chickened out during Vietnam by joining the Texas Air National Guard (they were RARELY, if ever, utilized as front line fighting troops at that time. They were held in reserve in case we needed armed forces here. Hence the name...National Guard!), and who was declared AWOL (that means DESERTER) from the Guard by the Air Reserve Personnel Center in Denver, now seems to think that they are the answer to EVERYTHING.

Keep them in Afghanistan forever. Keep them in Iraq forever. Let them guard the Mexican Border. Send them to disaster zones!

This guy has abused the National Guard and corrupted their entire purpose for existing beyond recognition.

The National Guard is supposed to guard the nation! Get it? National Guard! It's right there in their name! They are basically a State Militia, available at the beck and call of each State's Governor to use as needed. How are they suppose to do that if they are filling in for an over-extended, under-staffed standing Federal Army?

This guy barely "phoned in" his own duty to the Guard and weaseled out of even THAT much commitment. But now he expects them to be a permanently deployed fighting force, perpetually in Harm's Way. Something he himself was unwilling to do.

If that isn't the textbook definition of HYPOCRISY, I don't know what is.

Testing The Wind - An Informal Blogger Poll

Your Blog is Your Domain.

Your space in the world to say whatever you want.

We are all Attention Whores. We all want to think that EVERYONE is breathlessly following our every post in search of enlightenment.

But my question is, what kind of comments do you want/expect?

Do you expect a readership and comments that support your view of the world and do you see all opposing viewpoints as "spam"?

Or do you encourage the open exchange of ideas and encourage analysis and debate?

Or, are you (like me most times) just wanting to rant and stir shit up and don't really care what anyone thinks?

Am I really interested in your thoughtful responses?

Yes, I am.

Is this also just a pathetic attempt to rack up lots of comments?

Yes. It is.

My God, get the fuck over it!

NYT: STATE OF CLINTON MARRIAGE A QUESTION FOR DEMS
Mon May 22 2006 19:44:45 ET

When the subject of Bill and Hillary Clinton comes up for many prominent Democrats these days, Topic A is their marriage, the NEW YORK TIMES is planning to report in a Tuesday Page One Lead Story.

"Democrats say it is inevitable that, in a campaign that could return the former president to the White House, some voters would be concerned and even distracted by the Bill Clinton's political role and his potential for the kind of episodes that led the House to vote for his impeachment in 1998."

NYT reporter Pat Healy is filing a 2,000+ word report this evening, newsroom sources tell the DRUDGE REPORT.

"Since the start of 2005, the Clintons were together about 14 days a month on average, according to aides who reviewed the couple's schedules. Sometimes it is a full day of relaxing at home in Chappaqua; sometimes it is coming together late at night. At their busiest, they saw each other on a single day, Valentine's Day, during February 2005 -- a month when each was traveling a great deal. In August, they saw each other at some point on 24 out of 31 days. Out of the last 73 weekends, they spent 51 together. The aides declined to provide the Clintons' private schedule."

The TIMES reports: "Several prominent New York Democrats, in interviews, volunteered that they became concerned last year over a tabloid photograph showing Clinton leaving BLT Steak in Midtown Manhattan late one night after dining with a group that included Belinda Stronach, a Canadian politician. The two were among roughly a dozen people at a dinner, but it still was enough to fuel coverage in the gossip pages."

GROW THE FUCK UP!! Who cares? Can any prominent, successful couple's marriage stand up to this kind of scrutiny?

I'm not saying Bill is a "typical husband" or that Hillary is the kind of woman that any man I know would want to be married to. God forbid!

But would you (and yes, I mean YOU) want your marriage analyzed and picked apart, calculating how much time you spent together? You know goddamned well that you weren't spending time away from your wife travelling the world, raising money for Katrina victims or battling AIDS. You were hunkered down in your basement piddling with shit, avoiding your wife's constant nagging about fixing the fucking gutters. You KNOW I'm right!

Hell, for all we know, those few hours Bill and Hillary spent together might have been filled with wild, crazy, jungle-monkey-sex!

Okay, that's highly doubtful, but I'm just saying. We don't know.

I want to see a similar anlysis done on EVERY SINGLE MEMBER OF CONGRESS. I'm guessing that they ALL spend a lot more time with lobbyists and whores (sorry, that was redundant) than they do with their own wives.

I know if I was married, I would.

This is bizarre!

Apparently, Iraqis love Lionel Richie.

But then again, the French love Jerry Lewis.




I'll never understand foreigners.

No contest

Barry Bonds vs. Babe Ruth?

No comparison. Don't even put these two in the same category.

Bonds is an incredible athlete who not only works out and trains hard, but also takes steroids to give himself an unfair edge of other batters. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The Babe, on the other hand, was a fat boozehound whose diet pretty much consisted of entire cows, eaten whole at one sitting (maybe with a side of bacon) washed down with a fifth of scotch. And that was before he went out partying all night playing hide the salami with every fucking whore he could find. And he found them all.

Imagine if The Babe had been "an incredible athlete who not only works out and trains hard, but also takes steroids to give himself an unfair edge of other batters". Then you might have an apples to apples comparison.

But if that HAD been the case, Ruth's HR record would probably be have been in the high quadruple digits instead of a measly 714 and NORAD would still be tracking balls he hit to make sure they didn't endanger crews on the International Space Station.

It's like comparing Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. Astaire got all of the credit. But Rogers danced every step Astaire did, except she did it dancing backwards while wearing high heels.

No contest.

Thank God! We finally have a crack at her!

Jennifer Wilbanks (The Runaway Bride) is finally available! Get in line guys!! She's babelicious!



Check out these "tig ol' bitties"! Yummy, yummy, yummy!!



Unfortunately, her eyes are even bigger.



Her and her sisters. In case you were hoping for some group/lesbo action.



This is what she looks like in the morning, before the makeup.



And this is what she will look like after she kills you in your sleep.



"He said my feet were cold and I just blacked out!! I have no idea how his scrotum wound up in the Juicer!



Educational Footnote: "Avacado" is the ancient Aztec word for "testicle". Care to guess what "guacamole" means?

"So, you weally awen't a wabbit?"

A picture speaks a thousand words.

All of them recorded and analyzed by the NSA.

Scared of heights?

I am. Very much. Airplanes have never bothered me. I understand the laws of aerodynamics. I know what keeps an airplane in the air. Never had a problem with airplanes.

But get me up on a ladder, and I get all white-knuckled and paralyzed with fear. I went on one of those cheap-ass, rusty Ferris Wheels thrown together by a bunch of grade school drop-outs at a small-town carnival with my daughter. Once. She won't let me ride with her anymore. Claims I made her set perfectly still with both hands tightly gripping the rail.

Hell, at 6'2", I don't even like being this tall.

So you'll understand why I think THIS is a bad idea!!



There is absolutely no way in HELL you'd ever get me out on that thing. I don't care if I were being pursued by a pack of brain-eating, soul-sucking zombies wielding rusty chain saws. Just not gonna happen.



Plus, you know the thing would smell like the public restroom at the downtown library, what with all of the tourist peeing and shitting all over themselves as the thing starts swaying in the 90 mph vertical winds coming up from the canyon.

Huh uh. I think I'll pass.

It's all about ME!

Alright. This is an admittedly lame and lazy post. The same meme everyone else is doing. But I've got nothing better to do while I'm waiting for my steak to thaw and I don't have time for my usual intelligent, inciteful, wity and blatantly ill-informed rant.

So you'll just have take this and like it, bitches!


Accent: I don't have an accent...you do! Other than 3 years in NJ, I'm a midwesterner and I'm sure I have that same midwestern accent as everyone else.

Booze: Bourbon baby! Preferrably small batch. None of that blended Canadian whiskey crap either. Just plain old Kentucky bourbon. Rather partial to Maker's Mark.

Chore(s) I hate: Dusting and mowing. It just never fucking ends! You do it and it needs doing again!

Dog or cat: Dog, medium rare, with a little horseradish on the side. Made from an actual horse. Seriously, NO PETS! If I wanted to share my home with an animal, I'd have stayed married to my second wife. I don't need hair everywhere, scratch marks on my furniture. And the last thing I want to see when I walk in the door aftter a hard day at work is some little needy furball demanding my attention. Fuck that! Did I mention my second wife?

Essential electronics: All of them. Computer, DLP HD TV, Stereo, MP3, DVD, if it's electronic, I need it. This universal remote is high on my NEED list right now. Buy it for me, PLEASE!!! I'll be your best friend!!!

Favorite Cologne: I like to mix things up. Right now it's Unforgiven. Also a big Paul Sebastian fan. I like to smell good. I like it when women catch a whiff of me and get all weak in the knees.

Gold or Silver: Gold if I'm wearing black (usually), silver if I'm wearing blue. Never turquoise!!

Hometown: Right now, Liberty, MO.

Insomnia: No. I sleep like a fucking log. A nuclear blast couldn't wake me. A woman wanting to have sex with me couldn't wake me. But while we are on the subject of sleep, what does "I slept like a baby" mean? I hear that all the time. I have a daughter. I remember what it was like when she was a baby. Does it mean "I slept for 2 hours, shit my pants then woke up crying with an overpowering desire to suck some titty?" Which leads me to another annoying saying..."Like taking candy from a baby!". Ever tried that???

Job Title: Systems Analyst. That means I translate what REAL, NORMAL people want a computer to do into language that a programmer can understand. Because those two groups, they don't communicate so well! I'm like a translator at the U.N.

Kids: Yep! One. Best little 12 year old to ever walk the planet! Had a vasectomy immediately thereafter. Figured if you go bowling for the first time and have a perfect 300 game...just quit. It can only go downhill from there.

Living arrangements: Sold a hundred year old monstrosity in the boonies and am currently renting a PERFECT HOUSE in Liberty. I'm pretty much "over" the "joys of homeownership". Fuck that. I live alone and enjoy it immensely (did I mention my second wife?). But I have the best girlfriend in the world whom I love intensely, and a daughter who makes me proud to be her father. Life is good!

Most admirable traits: I am absolutely, 100% loyal and monogomous to the woman I love.

Not going to cop to: If I told you that, wouldn't I be "copping" to it? TRICK QUESTION!! TRICK QUESTION!!

Overnight hospital stays: I'm fifty fucking years old. I smoke, I drink and I have wild sex with loose women. What do YOU think?

Phobias: Heights. Airplanes don't bother me. I understand the laws of aerodynamics and I trust them. I'd even LOVE to go into space. But balancing my clumsey ass on a ladder scares the fucking shit out of me.

Quote: "Another person’s belief neither picks my pocket nor breaks my bones.” - Thomas Jefferson

Religion: Absolutely NONE! Faith = "Belief without evidence". Fuck that.

Siblings: Yes.

I wake up: Around 5am, cranky, not happy about it, but at least I have a big woody. I got that workin' for me.

Unusual talent or skill: I've been told that the sound of my voice can make a woman orgasm. Call me!

Vegetable I love: I hate eating vegetables!!! It's so much trouble getting them in and out of their wheelchairs!! Life is too short! Know what I mean?

Worst habit: Smoking. Like a fucking chimney!

X-rays: What kind of stupid fucking question is this?? I'm fifty fucking years old! I've had enough X-rays to make a Hiroshima survivor say "You should be careful!!" Fuck you!

Yummy foods I make: The best fucking beef stew you've ever tasted!!

Zodiac sign: Virgo. Ya know, the sign of the Virgin. Ahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

Lesbians' brains respond like straight men

Guess this is scientific proof that:

Lesbians are control freaks who won't let anyone else touch the remote.

Lesbians won't ask for directions.

Lesbians won't take out the trash without being asked "nicely" a hundred times (and then will brag about doing it afterwards).

Lesbians will never finish what they start.

Lesbians always leave the toilet seat up (Ewww!).

Lesbians get really turned on thinking about lesbians (DUH!)

Lesbians say "Uh huh" and "you betcha" a lot while completely ignoring the droning buzz coming from their partners.

Lesbians main reason for owning a computer is to download porn.

P.S. - I searched for a picture to post for this entry by doing a Google search on "lesbians" but it came back with every fucking site on the Internet, locked up my computer, froze my ISP and took out cable service for all of Clay County.

Video Shows Al-Zarqawi Fumbling With Rifle

This cracks me up! What a pig-fucker this guy is.

Know who he reminds me of?

White, Johnson County suburban kids wearing baggy-ass jeans around their knees, hands on their crotches, wearing crooked fucking hats and trying to be all "gangsta" while living in a $300,00.00 house and getting a 3 figure "allowance".

What a fucking poser! A wannabe!

Big pussy!

Kennedy Entering Rehab

I'm sorry. I'm a little slow sometimes.

This is news how? There is ALWAYS a Kennedy in rehab somewhere. It's what they do. It's a family tradition. Like those football games at Kennebunkport. Or getting assasinated. Or flying your plane into the ocean.

Seems like there was even another Kennedy who got into some sort of car accident back in the 60s. I remember there was a lot of confusion about exactly what happened. Maybe some allegations of preferential treatment by the authorities. Which one was it again? Oh yeah, now I remember. It was his DAD!

Here is another blockbuster Kennedy related headline for all of you lazy ass journalists out there:

"Rose Kennedy owned, and often wore, a black dress! Film at 11!"

"Crack Smokin' Weed Monkeys! Live at 10:00!"

OH MY FUCKING GOD!

They've done the impossible! KSHB's investigative journalists have cracked open the biggest case of The Millinium!

Are you ready for this?

They have discovered STONERS smoking pot, on the job, in (this is unbelieveble) EXCELSIOR SPRINGS, MO!!!

I can only imagine what huge financial resources, undercover intelligence operatives, anonymous tips, law enforcement coordination and just plain old lucky timing all had to come together to find people smoking marijuana in Excelsior Springs, of ALL PLACES!!!

Thank God, (due to KSHB's diligent, investigative journalism) a couple of minimum wage employees lost their jobs and will find it difficult to compete with illegal immigrants for ANOTHER job. Let's all hope that these Evil Doers will never again be able to support their families thanks to Channel 41's dedication to Truth, Justice, and the American Way.

The video describes how these workers are endangering the lives of the people in the nursing facility by dispensing drugs while stoned.

I think their lives are FAR MORE endangered by being 120 fucking years old, not being able to recognize anyone they ever knew, sleeping in their own piss, shitting the bed and not eating.

If I were in that state (and had 32 brain cells left), I would buy the pot, roll the joint and offer it to the person about to take care of my sorry ass and say "Here. Smoke this. You'll need it!"

Personally, if my job involved wiping 95 year old shitty asses, I'd probably want to get stoned too.

Actually, the most disturbing piece in this entire video was when the reporter bent over to confront the "perps" in their car and showed an unsuspecting and unwarned viewing public her HUGE, CELLULITE DIMPLED, BIG FLABBY ASS!!!!

I'm so impressed by their journalistic staff that I am prepared to offer some tips for future stories:

1. I've heard that some people in Independence, MO just MIGHT be manufacturing meth.
2. There MAY BE some Service Stations charging upwards of $3.00 a gallon for gas!
3. It's possible that some Johnson County housewives are offering sex to strangers in exchange for, ya know...SEX!
4. Lamar Hunt may be trying to buttfuck poor Jackson County taxpayers in exchange for a Rolling Roof that he dscribes as being "really cool".
5. Some area residents may be TALKING ON CELL PHONES WHILE DRVING instead of paying attention to the cars around them!!

I have other ideas.. Call me!!!