I Love My Little Android

No, not Data. Although Brent Spiner is quite a fetching lad.

No, I'm talking about my new 3G smart phone. Now I know all y'all motherfuckers have been playing with your fancy phones for a long time and I'm late to the game. But Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket! This fucker is amazing!



"My God. It's full of apps!"

It's really unfair to even call this thing a phone since being a phone represents such a small percentage of what it actually does.

The Google Maps Navigation may be my favorite app. Yeah, I know, Garmin and Tom Tom have been doing it for years. But Google and the Android step it up a notch. Incredible voice recognition, integration with my phonebook, layering of satellite and traffic, Google street views as you approach your destination. And the turn by turn voice director has a saucy little British accent that I find very appealing.

I also have a Light Saber.

And a Tricorder.

And a rotary dialer.



But I have a few enhancements I would like to see in the next version of Google Navigator. To wit:

I want to be able to plot a route on my desktop and export it to my phone and have Google Map Navigation import it.

I want to be able to ask my Google Navigator questions. "Where is the closest gas station?"

I want to be able to program in preferences like "Science Museums" or "Full Contact Strip Clubs with $10 Lap Dances" and have the Navigator alert me when I'm near one.

As much as I love my sultry little computerized British wench, I would like to be able to download alternate navigation voices. I'm thinking John Cleese. Ricky Gervais. James Earl Jones.

I want a navigation voice with an attitude!

I like letting my GPS unit pick a route, and then I intentionally take a different route.

I like listening to a soul-less, heart-less, unemotional robotic voice telling me what to do as I completely ignore it and go where I want and do what I want.

It's just like being married again!

But the voice is too passive! I think after 3 "Off Route. Re Routing" attempts the software should say "OK, fuck you asshole, you're on you're own! I hope you get lost, shanked and ass-fucked in the ghetto! You don't deserve modern technology you Amish motherfucker! Take me back to Best Buy!"

The only thing that could make it better (I'm looking at you 4G developers), is if it were implanted in my brain and the data was projected directly onto my retinas like a fucking heads up display (HUD).

Hook me up, bitches! Brain implants, genetic modification, stem cell therapy, instant evrything. It's 2010! Fix my shit! I want it all and I want it now.