Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Study Proves Conservatives Are Whiny Bitches

Conservatives constantly accuse Liberals of being Whiners. A new study proves just the opposite is true.

Lets look at the Top Ten things Conservatives are constantly whining about:

10: Laws. There are too many laws telling "Honest Business People" what they can and can't do. We need fewer laws!

9: Laws. There are too few laws governing what "American Citizens" can and can't do in the privacy of their bedrooms. We need more laws!

8: The concept of Checks and Balances. There are too many restrictions on Presidential Power. We elected Him, we trust Him. Let Him do whatever he wants!

7: The concept of Checks and Balances. We elected Congress. We trust Congress. Who the fuck does the Supreme Court think it is to second guess the Will Of The People?

6: The concept of a Supreme Court. We have a Constitution. It's all there in black and white...just like The Bible. Every word means exactly what it means. Two hundred years ago, two thousand years ago...what's the difference? Nothing ever changes. "Interpreters? We don't need no stinking "interpreters"!!

5: Freedom Of The Press. Who the Hell are the News Media to question Our Government? They should be reporting whatever the Hell we tell them is true. Not asking questions!!

4: Freedom Of Speech. Once The Government decides something is True (or at least has "thruthiness"), any dissent is TREASON!

3: The Right Of Privacy. If you ain't doin' nuthin' wrong, why the fuck do you need "privacy"? The Gov'munt should have the right to monitor your every move (in the sake of National Security). If you ain't no "terrorist", what are you afraid of?

2: Freedom FROM Religion. Like it or not, the Constitution does not dictate that Americans must be be Christians. They can believe whatever they want. Or not believe in anything. America is a DEMOCRACY, not a THEOCRACY.

1: And the number one thing that Conservatives whine about....drum roll....that someone, somewhere is getting more sex than they are. Really GOOD sex! Kinky sex! Shit their uptight fund-raising, socialite trophy-wives would never DREAM of giving THEM!

Tightassed, repressed, narrow-minded biatches. Throw off the shackles and live a little! Life isn't about how many pleasures you deny yourself. That's Hell. Life is about enjoying, experiencing and indulging! You can have all the "faith" you want. But none of us...NONE OF US absolutely KNOWS beyond any shadow of doubt what awaits us after death. All we know for sure is what we have here. So, make yourselves miserable if you want to. But some of us are going to choose to enjoy life while we have it. All we ask of you is that you leave us the fuck alone and we'll do the same for you.

Deal?

Deal!

5 comments:

contratimes said...

Dude, you got some attitude! I like it! Fiery as hell.

I am sure you saw the recent survey showing that Republicans are happier than Democrats, and that even conservative Republicans are happier than conservative Democrats. What gives? How does this jive with your belief that conservatives are whiners? If there are too many laws that offend conservatives, then it must have been the liberals who made those laws, right, since the conservatives oppose them? If that is the case, what things were the liberals whining about that made them make all those freaking laws?

Egads, liberal, free-wheeling dudes are going to leave conservatives alone? Come now. You ain't serious, are you?

And here's a shocker for you: it's the liberals who are the theocrats.

Peace and mirth,

BG

Xavier Onassis said...

Glad you like the attitude. I got plenty more where that came from.

Well of course Republicans are happier than Democrats! Duh! They run the country and they have all the money! What's not to be happy about?

Let's see, what could Democrats have been whining about when they passed those laws the Republicans don't like? Mmmm, how about corporate pollution, corporate corruption, corporate negligence, corporations not paying taxes...ya know, stuff like that.

Liberals are the Theocrats? Right. They must have some really good crack out in NH. Guess I'd forgotten that James Dobson, Jerry Falwell, William Bennett, Pat Robertson and Dubya were all such radical liberals.

Thanks for stopping by! Don't be a stranger. Dig the glasses.

Peace.

contratimes said...

Dear Hip-Replacement Suburban White Guy,

You're a thrasher!

Look, man, I make no claims (usually) that I can't back up. My blog is replete with challenges to the religious left in this country. They are indeed theocrats. Also, I do not know one Christian who wants to obliterate democracy, not one. In fact, since this is undeniably a Protestant nation, Protestant churches are run as democracies: they vote on everything, believing, like the earliest Congregationalists, that God's will is in the majority. In other words, the vast majority of churches themselves, including Falwell's and Robertson's, are not theocracies but democracies (though run in a theological context). And, it was the Congregationalists who helped spread democracy through the US: the Crack you talk about in New Hampshire did in fact begin here, for most New England colonial churches were (and still are) both the religious hall and town hall for a community: the separation of church and state was indeed little more than a crack in a floor board.

It is the Catholic Church that is run like a theocracy: and it was for this reason that American Protestants erected the "wall of separation": it was to keep the Catholic Church out of government. That is why it was such a BIG DEAL that JFK was elected, for he was America's first, and only, Catholic president.

So, you see, the religious right, which operates in micro-democracies, actually believes in macro-democracies. Hence, they push for elections on gay marriage, abortion, and sundry other things; they oppose judicial, non-democratic fiat. But it is the religious left that opposes putting gay marriage or abortion on a ballot. Hence, it is the religious left that is dictatorial and anti-democratic. They don't want such matters determined by the people. They want the inspired, infallible, and inerrant judges of the Supreme Court to make the decision (well, maybe not now).

Here's just one other thing to consider: Whenever you hear a liberal talk about caring for the poor, he or she always makes a reference to "loving one's neighbor as oneself." But the Golden Rule, as you know, is a religious idea. I ask you, have you ever heard one atheistic, secular, non-religious argument why we should care for the poor? Without referencing any religious ethics, traditions or convictions, can you tell me what is wrong with being rich, and why should I give a rat's ass about the poor? (I am not rich, by the way.)

Of course, all this is just a tiny tip of the iceberg. The religious left is the most politically active force in American politics, imposing religious views everywhere. If you really need me to defend this, I will. But we are just shooting the breeze here, right? (What the hell is "shooting the breeze" when it comes to casual talk? I get the hunting reference, but I don't get it in relation to speech. Oiks!)

As for your remark about the Republicans having all the money, surely you know this is facetious. Besides, had you read the survey before commenting, you would have noticed that the survey shows that Republicans are happier in EVERY economic bracket: even the poorest Republicans are happier than poor Democrats.

Plus, let us not forget that Warren Buffet, the 2nd-wealthiest man in the world, is a liberal Democrat; and lord only knows, but it would be doubtful that Bill Gates is a Republican. John Kerry is worth half -a-billion $$$ (probably 10 times GWB's worth); and most Hollywood stars, nearly Democrats all, are wealthy in obscene ways. Alas, even wealthy Democrats are unhappy.

And did you know that the counties with the highest per capita income in the United States voted OVERWHELMINGLY for Al Gore in 2000? Well, it is true.

Why would Democrats be unhappy? Because they have to be: they are all about change, about liberating people from shackles: they are about denouncing tradition: and they are never about being content with the way things are. In other words, nothing is ever good enough. Liberals want utopia; conservatives assert that not only is utopia unachievable, but that what the liberals ultimately want is something that would be a lot like a prison. For it is easy to control income and wealth and earning and education and news and diets and speech in a prison; at least it is easier than in the world as one finds it––untouched by those who crown themselves social architects and engineers.

I ramble. Too late, too much wine, too little sleep. OK. I lied about the wine. Can you really have too much? OK, that was a joke. Of course you can drink too much wine. I just did.

Peace.

Gnade

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Anonymous said...

Study proves, study proves, study proves blah blah blah. Study by who? More of your own kind? You have proved nothing. Typical liberal moron.