WARNING! DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME! (On second thought, go ahead.)
Some British Geraldo-wannabe decides to have himself crucified with a bunch of wacked out Philippino religious nutcases and then chickens out at the last minute in front of God and everybody!
This guy is such a loser on so many levels:
> Wanting to be like Geraldo in the first place.
> Being batshit crazy enough to want to be crucified.
> Being a big fucking pussy in front of eveyone on the planet.
And what is up with these crazy Philippino bastards nailing themselves to a cross?!? JUST TAKE FUCKING COMMUNION!! A little grape juice and a cracker. Then you go home, mow the lawn (or in your case, machete the jungle), and give the wife a little pickle tickle. Lighten up for God's sake! Literally!
These people are every bit as nuts as those Shiite shits who bang themselves in the head with swords every year over Imam Hussein. Bang harder, dickweed! If you survive to do it next year, you fucked up!
Listen, I try to practice religious tolerance. I really do. I don't care what the fuck you believe if it helps you get through the day without going postal. But nailing yourself to a cross (or, more accurately, having someone else nail you to a cross. Think about it...you could probably do the first hand....) or smacking yourself in the head with a sharp sword, or thinking that when Adam and Eve were exiled from the Garden of Eden, they wound up in Gallatin, MO is some pretty freaky shit!
Get a full neurological workup! Really! It's worth the money! CAT scan, MRI, the works! You probably have a tumor. Need to get that shit checked out!
You MIGHT even want to consider The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. You want to get closer to God? A Sunday brunch at The Olive Garden (I highly recommend their Steak Gorgonzola Alfredo) and you are all good to go. Don't forget to tip your priestess.
Honestly, believe whatever the fuck you want to believe if it makes you feel good. But try to follow the same rules with your religious observances that you follow when you masturbate. Do it in private. Don't draw any blood. Wash your hands when you are done.
Happy Fucking Easter.
(P.S. - That "snap, crackle, pop" you hear is NOT your fucking Rice Crispies...it's me, burning in hell. Do you smell bacon? 'Cause I definitely smell bacon!"
1 hour ago