Friday, August 11, 2006

Lee’s Summit bans smoking

Let me see if I have this argument right.

If a person engages in a legal activity that puts their own health and saftey in danger, as well as endangering those around them who are involuntarily exposed to it, the government has an obligation to ban them from engaging in that activity in public places in the name of Public Safety and The Greater Good.

That's what the anti-smoking drive boils down to. Right?

Good! Excellent!

That means that I can count on the politically powerfull anti-smoking zealots to sign my petition to get a law on the ballot that PERMANANTLY BANS bicyclists from using public streets!

My argument goes like this. Try to follow along and see if anything sounds familiar:

According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration and the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, somewhere between 600 to 700 cyclists are KILLED on public streets every year. Nearly 44,000 cyclists have been killed in traffic accidents on public streets since 1932.
The cost of this reckless activity is passed on to the rest of society through higher insurance premiums for non-cyclists.

Further more, these cyclists endanger others when they ride their bikes on streets meant for automobiles.

A driver is often forced to make a split-second decision to either slam on their brakes and risk being rear-ended by the car behind them, swerve into the opposing lane of traffic and risk a head-on collision, or leave the road and crash into an embankment to avoid the rude and discourteous behavior of these selfish cyclists who are asserting their "right to the road".

The cylclists have no "right to the road". Show me where in the Constitution or the Bill of Rights where it says that a person riding a bicycle has the right to endanger my life and the lives of the passengers in my car by riding a bicycle on a road meant for cars. That right doesn't exist.

Riding bicycles on public streets built for automobiles is clearly a dangerous and deadly habit. Yet cyclists, knowing these dangers, continue to engage in this deadly activity. Clearly they are too stupid to quit on their own, so for their own good and for the good of everyone else, we need to prohibit them from engaging in this legal activity in public places.

Now, before you get your spandex knickers in a twist, we aren't taking away anyone's "right to bike". You can wear your ridiculous looking outfits and your totally unnecessarily streamlined helmets and ride your sissy bikes whenever you want...just not on public streets.

You can still ride your bikes on designated bike paths with "your own kind" where there is no automobile traffic. How can that possibly inconvenience you? We're not taking anything away from you! We're prolonging your life! Ya know, for your own good! 'Cause we're smarter than you! You don't know no better! It ain't yur fault!

Or better yet, just ride a stationary bike in the privacy of your own home. You can even still wear your spandex and your silly little hat (sorry..."helmet"). But I won't have to be subjected to such a deeply disturbing sight.

Or the smell. My God. Ever been around a sweaty cyclist on a hot summer day? It's enough to gag a maggot. It would knock a buzzard off a gut-wagon. I HATE the smell of sweaty cyclists! Plus, I have a queasy stomach anyway, so being exposed to second-hand sweat makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

Your "right to bike" ends when it meets my right to operate my legal SUV in a safe and responsible manner, on streets made for automobiles (not bikes) without putting my life, other motorists lives, and the lives of my passengers at risk through your selfish and inconsiderate activity.

I know I can count on the support of every single anti-smoking-Nazi to help me get this important public safety legislation passed into law.

I look forward to your support this November. Or whenever the fuck the next election is.

I'm Xavier Onassis and I approved this message.


Jazo said...

i can't wait to see what nanny law they will come up with next. nice post =)

Heather said...

While this is true, I can't seem to find any instances where the person in the vehicle ever died while striking a person on a bicycle.

Motor vehicle vs. bicycle. The car always wins.

Maybe we should look into banning beady-eyed soccer mom's from owning SUVs. There's the real danger in Lee's Summit.

Dan said...

I hate the smell of smoke in a restaurant. Just as I hope the owners would ask someone with terrible BO to go home and take a shower, I like it when they don't let douchebags who smoke ruin my experience. I don't mind if they smoke at home or in their car or any other place that doesn't interfere with my air, but smokers in bars and restaurants are inconsiderate jerks who deserve to be persecuted.

Xavier Onassis said...


Let's suppose you have a close, lifelong friend who smokes. Your friend invites you to his home for dinner.

Would you expect your friend to modify his natural behavior in his own home just to accomodate your prejudice?

Or would respect your friend's right to do as he wishes in his own home and tolerate the smoke in order to spend time with your friend?

Dan said...

XO, If I went to his house, I would expect him to smoke. Just as if I went to the house of a person with bad BO, I would expect him to stink in his house, as well.

So what does that prove, other than that I am not an anti-smoking nazi? Just don't stink up my bar or restaurant, is all I'm asking.

Xavier Onassis said...

Dan, my friend - "Just don't stink up my bar or restaurant, is all I'm asking."

YOUR bar? YOUR restaraunt? Why is it YOURS? Just because YOU are there?

Isn't it equally every other patron's bar or restaraunt?

I think if you asked the owner, any paying customer is WELCOME.

Smoke, fart, belch, scratch, twitch...whatever peels your potato. As long as you pay the tab and don't drive off the regulars, you're a welcome customer.

Think of a business owner as a blogger and customers as commenters.

When was the last time ANY OF US said, "please stop posting comments on my blog."

Comments let us know that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE is listening to what we say.

They may disagree with us. They may despise us. But they are listening.

With business owners, the customers may be less than happy, they may wish we did things differently, but they come and they PAY!


martinoffroad said...

Doesn't sound like your life is being threatened by cyclists, more of a inconvience by being held up for a few seconds, shhhesssh, you probably have a hissy fit waiting for your computer to start up, but then you can probably get a petition made up to take care of that...Dude its not all about you!

PS...I would rather smell a stinky biker over a nicotined, shit breath smoker.

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