Saturday, November 18, 2006

Two Brilliant Inventions

The kid across the street came around with the catalog for his school fundraiser a few weeks ago. Candles, choclolate covered nuts, peanut brittle, wrapping paper, blah, blah, blah. All the usual overpriced useless crap that you have to buy if you want other people to buy your kid's overpriced useless crap.

That's how Western Civilization works.

Trying to lose weight so don't really need any delicious, gourmet candy arriving on my doorstep (I have a HUGE weakness for cashews covered in dark chocolate. Keep that shit away from me.) I'll wrap my families frugally-purchased Christmas presents (who knew Dollar General had such cool stuff?) in butcher paper if I've got some around. Struggling to find something I actually wanted and could use.

Then, I see THIS!

It's an adjustable measuring spoon!

Just arrived yesterday. I love this thing! Fucking brilliant! I'll give it it's first starting scrimmage on Thanksgiving day.

You probably didn't know this about XO, but I love to cook and I'm damned good at it. I chose the house I'm in right now primarily for the kitchen. That's how I get by with putting ZERO thought, effort or expense into gifts. I cook for them.

The next Brilliant Invention is simply this:

"Everybody gets those annoying phone calls. The kind where you sigh heavily, roll your eyes, and make those annoying "blah-dee-blah" hand gestures like some demented muppet that won't shut up... Believe me, we get those calls, too. We feel your pain. Luckily, we have an awesome solution.

The Excuse Box is no ordinary key tag. Its onboard memory holds 10 full minutes of environmental effects designed specifically to befuddle your annoying caller. Click on the links below, and imagine yourself gleefully escaping from an otherwise awkward and potentially trouble-filled phone call."

Like "I'm sorry. I'm gettin an oil change at Jiffy Lube (and by 'oil change at jiffy lube I mean blow job at the motel 6'). Can I call you back?"

You can learn all about it (and buy it for just thirteen bucks) HERE.


travelingal said...

I have a similar measuring spoon and I love it. One spoon instead of all of the separate ones that inevitably come off the ring. I kind of suspected you were an enthusiastic cook. I'm starting slim 4 life right after Thanksgiving (going to Mexico first of March and can't go lookin like this!) so I'm really going to try to learn to cook healthy foods more gravy for this kid.

Heather said...

I, too, have adjustable measuring spoons. They are great.

So, what time should I be over for dinner on Thursday?

emawkc said...

My mom-in-law taught me a great trick for those annoying telemarketer calls. I answer the phone, let the caller start into his/her sales pitch, then set the phone down and walk away.

Don't say anything. Don't hang up. Just put the phone down carefully and walk away. Twenty or thirty minutes later I come back to find the person has hanged up.

Xavier Onassis said...

"going to Mexico first of March" - hence the "travel" in "travelingal". Don't drink the water (but I suspect you know that already) and bring something nice back for Tony.

heather - Dinner is served at 2pm on Thanksgiving day. Email me for directions. I hope to have everyone fed, happy and the fuck out of here by 2:30. Should be a great time for all. Bring your camera.

emaw - That's a good one. But it ties up your phone line. I'm from the "No thanks" and hang up school. Takes less than a second.

I accidently did that a couple of times when people were calling me to notify me of the deaths of relatives.

Didn't mean to. Felt bad.

But saved a bundle on flowers.