OK, you folks know I'm a Liberal. No big fucking secret there, right? And even though I don't personally do a goddamn thing to recycle or "reduce my carbon footprint", or do anything else that would inconvenience me in any way, I do think that the preponderance of scientific evidence indicates that:
A: Global warming is probably real and not part of a natural cycle.
B: Humans are the likely cause of Global Warming.
C: If A and B are true, then we are fucking up the only nice piece of property in the neighborhood and risk winding up looking like Venus, Mars or the moon.
Does that make ME a hypocrit? You bet your sweet bippy it does. I hate that about myself.
When I see respected scientists yelling into deaf ears warning of the dire consequences of doing nothing, I always picture Jor-El trying to covince those tight-assed idiots on Krypton that the planet was about to explode.
They didn't listen either. Unfortunately, I'm lookin' around me at work and on the drive home, and out in bars, and I don't see any motherfuckers that I want to send to another planet to become our ambassador and their Hero. I see LOTS of fucktards I'd like to send into space! But for entirely different reasons.
So anyway, this Sheryl Crow (some sort of entertainer, I'm told) wants everybody to wipe their shitty asses with a single square of toilet paper to save the fucking planet.
What. The. Fuck?
I'm reminded of the Oil Crisis of the early seventies when everyone was urged to set there thermostats lower in the winter and higher in the summer, turn off unnecessary lights, etc. It was a radical concept at the time. I remember one comedic commentator pointing out that "Exxon spills billions of gallons of crude oil into the oceans and The President wants me to pee in the dark to save .72 cents a year?!?"
But here is the kicker. Ms. Crow, for all her righteous indignation about the amount of toilet paper I use to wipe my ass, has a pretty fucking ginormous "carbon footprint" herownself.
This is a rider written in to all of her performance contracts.
"A. Parking as near as possible to the stage (but not visible or obtrusive to the audience) for 3 tractor trailers, 4 buses, six cars."
Bitch can't even WALK from an INCONVENIENT parking space from her military convoy to the stage and she wants me to get my fingers all shitty trying to wipe my big white flabby ass with a single square of toilet paper????
Huh uh. Fuck you.
I think that in order to make up for those 3 tractor trailers, 4 buses and six cars, you should personally wipe my ass with that single square of single-ply and sing to me while you're doing it.
But the last word belongs to Rosie:
"Has She Seen My Ass?"
You may ask yourself, how did I get here?
1 hour ago