Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Yet another slippery slope to Hell for XO

This started off as a comment on a friends blog-post about how religions have morphed and evolved. It was an outgrowth of the whole Jerry Falwell / divisionist / right-wing / conservative / homo-phobic / repressionist diatribe that has been sucking up blogosphere bandwidth (including mine) for the past few days.

As is all too typical for those of us who lean towards excessive verbosity, my comment evolved into a post in it's own right. Which I am presenting here.

I want to apologize up front to one particular blogger (who knows who she is) who I'm sure will (justifiably) take exception to this post. I'm not attacking (even though it will really, really sound that way), just sharing my personal observations and research about a faith that I don't consider to be as mainstream as they would lead people to believe.

I don't mean to pick on the Mormons, but my ex-step-son and his family were Mormon so I researched it in an effort to understand and...OMG! They are more bizarre than I ever dreamed.

We all know about the polygamy thing. If you don't, go watch Big Love on HBO. Great show! Harry Dean Stanton is awesome!

We all know that they don't consume caffiene, or alcohol, or tobacco, or God knows what else. That's why they are in such a hurry to get to heaven. There is nothing enjoyable about being alive on earth. Plus, their ward members are in their business 24/7 so there is no opportunity to think, question or doubt.

The geneaology thing is more controversial than people realize. I admit to availing myself of their massive archives during my 11 years of geneaology research. It is an unbelievably comprehensive collection. If you are interested in your family history, they are the WalMart that you can't avoid shopping at.


The reason they are so interested in searching for ancestors is so they can convert them to Mormonism in the afterlife. That's right. Your entire family has been "Free Will Baptist", Catholic or even Jewish for 200 or 2000+ years. One modern family member becomes Mormon and he takes all of those ancestral records to a Mormon Temple and has them all converted to Mormonism so that they can all spend Eternity together in Mormon Heaven.

They also expect Mormons to conduct at least one Haj-like pilgrimage to a Mormon Temple to consecrate and seal their family.

I don't know about you, but spending Eternity locked into a foreign Heaven with every distant cousin I never knew existed listening to them beg me to co-sign on a harp or lend them my angelic wings "just until I get myself situated" is my idea of pure Hell.

"They have an additional scripture called the Book of Mormon that explains that Jesus visited America (in ancient times) and describe what he did while he was here"

Uh huh. They do indeed. Google "Adam-ondi-Ahman". Apparently, this is where Adam and Eve were exiled to when they were booted out of The Garden of Eden. Where is Adam-ondi-Ahman, you ask? Just north of Gallatin, MO. in Daviess County on the bluffs of the Grand River. Jesus came to visit them there. Even though Jesus wasn't born until 4000 years after Adam and Eve according to strict, evangelical timelines. They can show you the sacred altar (big rock slab) where Jesus and Adam prayed together.

Okey Dokey!

Plus, I can understand how the Jews could lose the Ten Commandments carved on stone tablets by The Hand Of God over the course of, what? Four thousand years? I mean, you move, you wander in the desert, stuff gets packed and unpacked, there are wars and famines and plagues, temples get built, temples get's happened to us all. Right?

But copper sheets from an angel only a couple of hundred years old? I mean, we have the parchment (sheep skin) originals of the Declaration of Independence and The Constitution older than that!

How do you lose angelic copper plates? Where are they? Wouldn't that make a pretty compelling argument on those door to door missionary pilgramages?

"Hey! Look at these! Copper sheets with angel-writing! Pretty cool, huh? Wanna join our church?"

I'm just sayin'.


Joshua Xalpharis said...

Sounds like Scientology for those that aren't Hollywood A-list actors..

I notice that there is a bit of a mutiny going on a BYU over the Iraq war.. so maybe Mormons aren't total mindless drones. Not for lack of trying on the part of the bastards at the top of the food chain, I imagine.

I never really had a problem with Mormons. They are like the Straight Edgers, just not by choice. Simply outdated and obsolete. It happens.

satyavati said...

Oh and in case you didn't know.. we don't do the alcohol/tobacco/caffiene thing either... and of course you already knew we don't eat meat/poultry/fish and eggs.

I'm still having a good time, though.

Hound Doggy said...

I'm not Mormon but I know a little about it. The not drinking, smoking, caffiene thing is to treat your body like a temple. Not a bad idea in these great times of Ho-hos and Zingers mmmmmm Zingers......
If you look at any religion and/or group of people you would come up with weird things. Mormons are just another group of weirds in the big world of weirds.

emawkc said...

Slightly off topic...

You mentioned the Missouri connection which remided me that Lee (of the fabulous Daytripper and several other excellent blogs) published a piece about Farwest Missouri when he worked for a local newspaper back in the day.

I discovered the online version a couple of months ago. Interesting and well worth the read if you're into history (as I am).

Faith said...

My sister was Mormon for a while. When she was married to her crazy-ass ex that had converted (from Catholicism) when he was in college. Note: the fact that he is crazy has nothing to do with the Mormonism. He's just bat-shit nuts, is all. (Sorry Mormon church. I'm so, soo really don't deserve people like him being sicked upon your faith.)

Aaanywho, I picked up her Book of Mormon all those years ago, as we were standing around in the kitchen discussing the faith and what it meant to her (i.e. nothing but a means to an end at the time, apparently...), and I read through a bit of it. And it confused the SHIT out of me. I don't remember it exactly (it was when I was about 20, and my brain wasn't fully formed yet), but it definitely contradicted itself, and when I asked her for help in explaining it, she didn't have any answers for me. Probably her lack of commitment to the faith that caused that problem, but still. That book was a bit whack.

"I mean, you move, you wander in the desert, stuff gets packed and unpacked, there are wars and famines and plagues, temples get built, temples get's happened to us all." GodDAMMIT, boy, you make me laugh!!

Heather said...

I still have love for my X-Man.

Xavier Onassis said...

heather - I am very glad and relieved to hear that!

satyavati said...

They do look so wholesome though, don't they?

Like just looking at them makes you want to have milk and cookies.

Regardless of their other beliefs, I think that it's nice that they live a healthy lifestyle, and I've always thought that their focus on being a family was a real plus, especially in today's world.

There's good things about all religions. People just get hung up about it.

Xavier Onassis said...

I will say this.

The first time I helped them move, it was right after they got together. They were moving in together for the first time. She was "distanced" from her family (and her religion) following her divorce from her first husband (she had two daughters). It was my step-son's first marriage.

It was in November, we had freezing rain, and I was the only one there. Me and him, icy metal rental truck ramps, lots of furniture, kids in the way, toys under foot.

After he had been completely assimilated into the Mormon culture, she had patched things up with her family and they moved again, I was there.

But I was just in the fucking way.

There was a virtual ARMY of big, burly, weight-belt-wearing Mormons with their own trucks and dollys giving orders, following orders, sweating and moving like nothing I'd ever seen. There must have been 20-30 people there. The men were moving furniture and the women were serving refreshments. It was "brother this" and "sister that".

It was done and over in about 4 hours.

Blew me away.

crse said...

I did tell you I was targeted by a band of mormons for a hate crime once because they thought i was a lesbian. It was very odd. I didnt want to tell them I wasnt just on principle.

Joe said...

One of my ancestors wrote the book that gave Joe Smith the idea for the whole kit and kaboodle. Spaulding was the guys name and he wrote this book of fiction. Back in the day, you went from town to town and read from your book "on the stump" Joe Smith heard the story, bought the book and the rest is history. I guess you could say he stole it. I want my cut of the royalites. Of course most all newer religons are just cut and paste from a combo of something else anyway.

Heather said...

X- You think the moving experience was something, surround yourself with a bunch of Mormons when an ice storm hits and you are without power for a week. You won't have want for anything.

Yes, the Mormon Mafia (as I lovingly call it) is certainly a force to be reckoned with.

satyavati said...

You know, just look at that picture you posted.. here they are in the ass end of the world outside of some yurt (that's what it's called) in an unnamed third world country... and there's your elder all starched and pressed in his white shirt looking like he's all that.

Pass me the Oreos.

Heather said...

They may be in the ass end of the world, but how many 19 year old boys do you know would give up two years of their life, to go to a third world country on a mission fo their church AND they have to pay for it themselves?

Not many that I can think of. Say what you will about how weird the church is (Utah Mormons notwithstanding), but you can't find another group with their work ethic...or their fabulous creations with jello.