Tuesday, July 31, 2007

For The Illiterate (i.e. Republicans)

For all of you "24" addicts who think you understand how to solve all of the world's problems (kill everyone who opposes us and torture anyone witholding information on people who oppose us who we haven't killed yet) I have a remedial education program that shouldn't tax your seriously underpowered cortex's too much.

I know that you don't know what a cortex is. Don't worry. I won't give you a headache by trying to explain it to you. Even though I've linked to a reference that would explain it to you twice. Three times, actually.

And posted a picture showing you what it is and where its at.

You see, this curicullum doesn't require any reading or very much thought. All you have to do is "watch the movies on the tee vee".

In other words, it's perfect for you fucking idiots.

All you have to do is watch these movies, readily available at your local Blockbuster or Hollywood Video, in the following order, and you will almost have something approaching an actual education that should allow you to view our current situation in Afghanastan and Iraq in the proper historical context.

1) The Kingdom of Heaven.

"After Balian threatens to burn the city down over the heads of his dying warriors, Saladin relents and offers terms, which are more than reasonable; they are merciful:

"I will give every soul safe conduct to Christian lands, every soul: the women, the children, the old, and all your knights, your soldiers, and your queen; no one will be harmed, I swear to God."

Balian can scarcely believe what he has heard:

Balian: The Christians butchered every Muslim within these walls when they took this city."

Saladin: "I am not those men. I am Saladin. Saladin!"

2) Lawrence of Arabia

Barbarian fucktards mired in the middle ages! Fast forward a thousand years, cast off the robes and sandals, update your judiciary and start dealing with reality.

3) The Wind and The Lion

"Raisuli: To Theodore Roosevelt - you are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest. The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion, must remain in my place. While you like the wind will never know yours. - Mulay Hamid El Raisuli, Lord of the Riff, Sultan to the Berbers, Last of the Barbary Pirates.

Theodore Roosevelt: What do I want? I want respect! Respect for human life and respect for American property! And I'm going to send the Atlantic Squadron to Morocco to get that respect.
John Hay: That's illegal.
Theodore Roosevelt: Why spoil the beauty of the thing with legality?"

4) Three Kings

"Capt. Said: Why did you tell me that?
Sgt. Troy Barlow: Because we're both fathers
Capt. Said: I'm not a father no more! My son is dead now

Capt. Said: What would you feel if I bombed your wife?
Troy Barlow: Worse than death!
Capt. Said: Yes my friend... worse than death

Sgt. Troy Barlow: [Upon learning Said's wife is a double amputee] That's horrible
Capt. Said: Oh my friend... I haven't even told you the worst part yet. My son, he is only one... he is sleeping when the bombs drop ceiling caves in on him

Sgt. Troy Barlow: I heard a lot of bad shit happened in Kuwait.
Capt. Said: Yes... bad shit happened... I'm not proud of that. Yes Sadamn is very crazy, but then you are crazy for coming here."

5) Dick Cheney on Larry King


Now, after absorbing this material, your homework assignment is to look me (or anyone else with over 32 brain cells) in the eye and tell me, with anything remotely resembling sincerity and intellectual honesty, that you truly believe that George W. Bush is pursuing a policy that will actually result in a new and different approach to dealing with our Arab/Muslim co-habitants on this planet.

The War On Terror?

What? How will that end? When we finally kill or capture the last radical on the planet who wishes us ill? Everyone who remains free and alive are our friends? Everything is "OK" now? We are finally all safe? Big, planetary group hug and a multi-lingual rendition of Kumbaya?

Its no wonder the Muslims are still living in the middle-ages and are still pissed off about shit that happened a thousand years ago.

We haven't really given them much evidence that we have changed and things are "all better now".

We are as backward and as barbaric as they are.

Until we all cast off the superstitious bullshit and start living rational, reality bound lives and base our interpersonal and international relations on facts instead of myths and fairy tales, we will be doomed to warfare, death and barbarism.


smedrock said...

Miss your fiber brick this morning? :) Grumpy.

3 Kings is not one I would have picked in that line up. It was about a gold heist, not really a political discussion. Kingdom of Heaven was very well done and relevant. Theodore was an idiot at times, yeah he did a few good things, but he truly believed he was the light. I think that aspect is as close as it may get to GW today. I wonder how GW's daddy views this. But if you are to teach, and O agree with the feeling in your message, you will catch more flies with honey, than with vinegar.

Good post, no go out and get some air.

Poodles Rule said...

It may be a bit conspiracy theorial of me but I think Dick and his buddies know exactly what they are doing in the middle east and exactly what the hope to accomplish there. I don't think any of it is honorable.

emawkc said...

Given that, I gather you're not a supporter of Obama's candidacy.

Faith said...

Gah! The misspellings in the comments! People, read what you've written before you hit the publish button. You drive us republicans that actually CAN read crazy!

That said, I don't know what this agenda is that Cheney has running right now. I heard about his interview with Larry King, and I couldn't figure out what the fuck he was up to. Doesn't he realize that nobody really likes him right now? Why make it worse by going on national television and talking about why you think you're right and everyone else is wrong? Silly...

travelingal said...

Emaw beat me to the punch...

Obama set to invade Pakistan, huh. Sovereign country WITH nuclear weapons. Can't wait to hear the justification for that one from the Progressive Party.


Iwanski said...

Dude, the totally hate us because of our freedom and....

Hey! Tacos! Awesome, dude!

Xavier Onassis said...

smedrock - "3 Kings is not one I would have picked in that line up. It was about a gold heist, not really a political discussion."

Think of the gold heist as a metaphor for an oil heist. Actually, I chose it mainly because of the exchange between Captain Said and Troy Barlow.

"you will catch more flies with honey, than with vinegar"

My daddy always said "You get more with a smile and a gun than you do with just a smile."

poodles - "I think Dick and his buddies know exactly what they are doing in the middle east and exactly what the hope to accomplish there. I don't think any of it is honorable."

Oh, I guaranfuckingtee you they know exactly what they are doing. Dubya probably doesn't because he's nothing more than a retarded chimp. But Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rove and the Neo-Con cabal hiding behind the curtain all know EXACTLY what the goals are.

emaw and travel - Obama is not talking about going into Pakistan to topple the government, destroy it's infrastructure and occupy it for 5+ years. He's talking about sending troops in for the express purpose of rounding up the terrorists. That is a huge difference from what we did in Iraq (where there were no terrorists before we got there).

Now, having said that, I think if we just burst into Pakistan and started doing what we wanted without the permission and asstance of the Pakistani government, all Hell would break loose, Pakistan would collapse into chaos and it would be a huge fucking mistake.

I think there are more subtle ways to finesse the situation with Pakistan. But our current administration don't understand words like "subtle" or "finesse".

Besides, you know us democrats never deliver what we promise! Relax. It'll never happen.

faith - you should have seen that weasley bastard actually defending his position that he really isn't answerable to anyone for anything because of the VP's unique position which sort of straddles the Executive and Legislative branches. Fucker.

Xavier Onassis said...

iwanski - "the totally hate us because of our freedom and...."

No, they hate us because we're assholes.

The richest, most powerful, arrogant, nuclear armed assholes the world has ever seen.

Tonight is leftover tacos! Not quite as awesome, but hey; I'm just a poor single guy.