Saturday, July 07, 2007

Live Free or Die Hard

GODDAMN that was fun!! This movie kicks ass and takes names!

If you liked the Die Hard movies, you will fucking love this one! If you didn't like the Die Hard movies, then you are a woman. Go wash your delicates out in the sink, ya big wussie. Go eat yer vegan lunch, or go birdwatching or whatever it is you candy-asses do. Go recycle something.

This was not some weak, worn out, "let's milk this cash cow one more time" feeble attempt. This movie RAWKS!! Some of the stunts in this movie are so fucking outrageous that even John McClane gives a bit of a chuckle and a "Holy Fuck!" Not in an out-of-character-campy kind of way, but in a "Holy Shit I can't believe that actually worked and I'm still alive!" kind of way.

Timothy Olyphant makes a great villian.

Maggie Q was (gulp) really good as "that little Asian bitch that likes to kick people".

I'd put John McClane up against a bunch of Transformers any day. Fucking toys! He'd turn them into scrap metal.

In fact, there is only one person in the world who might stand a chance against John McClane.

No, not Chuck Norris or Jack Bauer. Fucking pussies.

I'm talking about Jason Bourne.

As the trailer for "The Bourne Ultimatum" described him, "He's the toughest target you'll ever track. He's really good at staying alive. Trying to kill him and failing just pisses him off."

Now THAT would be a great movie. McClane vs. Bourne.

Some miscommunication somewhere results in John McClane recieving orders that Jason Bourne is a terrorist and has to be captured or killed.

The movie would be as long as the entire extended version DVDs of the whole Lord of the Rings saga. We're talking 13-14 hours at a minimum.

Because neither one of them can be killed or stopped or ever gives up. The only way you could end the movie would be to have the sun just randomly blow up for no reason and destroy the earth.

After the credits were done rolling, there would be one last shot of McClane and Bourne at each other's throats, floating in space trying to smash each other's skulls with the smoldering fragments of our planet with a superimposed teaser title that said "McClane vs. Bourne 2, July 4th, 2010"

I give this movie 5 Yipi Kay Yi Yay Muthafuckers.


Janet said...

If you didn't like the Die Hard movies, then you are a woman.

That's just insulting to women. I like all the Die Hard movies. Okay, the first two. Not really for sure if I've seen the third one or not. But the first two kicked ass!

Xavier Onassis said...

Then you will like this one.

Do you want me to tell Keith you are a man, or would you like to break it to him all gentle like?

The children will be shocked.

Stinkbait Boucher said...

True story: Wife says today - "Damn. It's hot. Let's go see that new Die Hard movie."

"Yeah, maybe we until somebody else see it and tells us if it's any good."

So we went to Sears and bought towels.

I know what we're doing tomorrow - thanks for the encouraging review.

Poodles Rule said...

I love all the Die Hard movies. This one was great! It was totally campy and didn't take itself too serious or get too wraped up in an overly done story line. Loved it and I agree 5 Motherfuckers!

Happy In Bag said...

Do you realize that Bruce Willis looks just like you in the first photo?

Xavier Onassis said...

hap - While I am flattered, I don't think Mr. Willis would appreciate that comparison. He would need to expand his horizons, both vertically and horizontally, by a significant proportion before that would be a valid comparison.

I feel compelled to remind you that we have only met once, the lighting was bad and, well, you had been drinking.

But thanks anyway!

frog pajamas said...

if you haven't been told already, you write one of the best blogs in this city. i totally love your mcclane vs. bourne idea. and hell yes i would sit through 13 hours of it too.

Xavier Onassis said...

frog - "if you haven't been told already, you write one of the best blogs in this city"

Thank you! But you are FAR too kind. Seriously.

I'm not sure I would bother to read many of the posts here if I hadn't written them myself.

I find myself to be overly verbose and decadently self-indulgent.

See what I mean?