Thursday, August 23, 2007

Well, that was a waste of time.

Sexy Activists Bare All, Plead for Plaid Purveyor to Pitch Pelts

"For Immediate Release:
August 22, 2007

Matt Rice 757-622-7382

Kansas City, Mo - Wearing nothing but spatters of fake blood and body paint that mimics Burberry's signature pattern and holding posters that read, "When Plaid Goes Bad," sultry PETA beauties will protest outside a Burberry store in Kansas City tomorrow. Other PETA members will hand out leaflets and show PETA's fur-farm expose--narrated by world-famous fashion designer Stella McCartney--to let shoppers know how countless animals suffer and die to become part of a Burberry coat.

Date: Thursday, August 23
Time: 12 noon
Place: Outside Burberry, 444 Nichols Rd.

PETA showed Burberry executives video footage of how animals caught in traps often resort to chewing off their own legs in order to escape and how animals on fur farms are gassed, electrocuted, or have their necks broken, yet Burberry continues to sell fur.

"I'll gladly bare my skin if it will help save animals' skins," says PETA's Melissa Sehgal. "Even in the 21st century--with so many stylish, comfortable alternatives to fur available--Burberry is supporting one of the most hideous industries on the planet."

Well, I couldn't resist the prospect of a bevy of blood-spattered naked beauties yelling and protesting and being roughly handcuffed and hauled off by the police for being nekkid in public and creating a disturbance!

So I headed down to The Plaza, camera in hand, to document the debauchery. You know, for my inform the public...that whole journalist ethic thing.

And to see some nooner boobies, 'cause I'm a pig like that.

What a waste of gas and time.

That was it. The entire fucking "protest".

If there was any "blood-spattering", I didn't see it. Just a badly rendered "Burberry Check" pattern. I could have done it better. And cheaper. Might have taken me a bit longer, but I'm a stickler for detail. I'm just anal like that.

She wasn't even NAKED, as advertised. She was wearing panties, paint, heels and she was holding a sign covering the fun bags.

It wasn't even enough of a "protest" or a distraction to bother the police. Even the two rent-a-cops looked bored.

It might have been worth the trip if the lone "sultry PETA beauty" had washed that shit off, gone across the street and started trying on lingerie.

I hate it when people waste my time with false promises.

Did I mention that they were protesting Burberry's?

Here is a link to their web site. Judging by their models and clothes, they seem to cater to terminally-hip eurotrash. But I encourage all of my readers to buy something from Burberry's. Find the cheapest thing they sell and buy one of them a month. Then send it to PETA.

Lying, misleading fucktards.

I'd post more, but in the last few days (not sure exactly when or where) someone herded a well fed cow into a killing pen, sledgehammered the shit out of it, hauled it up by it's hind legs, slit it's throat, bled it, sliced it up, ground it up and shipped a 1 lb package of 80% lean hamburger to my local Price Chopper where I bought it, brought it home and am about to turn it into some delicious tacos which I will eat while watching the totally meaningless pre-season Chief's game against New Orleans.

I wonder if the shredded cheese that I sprinkle over the carefully cooked and seasoned taco meat was made from milk that came from the same cow?

PETA...People Eating Tasty Animals! YUM!


Red7Eric said...

"Fun bags."

Straight people are funny.

Anonymous said...

PETA can kiss my meat eatin' ass.

Joe said...

I'm a member of the other PETA and I'm poaching the picture as well. X, you're killing me!

Janet said...

So went to the Burberry site, and almost had a heart attack looking at their prices. HOLY FUCK! Who has that kind of money here in KC?

And yeah, this Saturday, we're having our Annual August meeting of PETA. Keith is smoking ribs, brisket, pork shoulder and chicken. Should be tasty!

emawkc said...

I'm ashamed of you XO. Objectifying women by referring to their ta-tas as "fun bags"... for shame.

Faith said...

That's nothing emaw...the other day, my trainer called mine "sand bags." Since they're heavy, and make my back curve a bit with their weight and all.

I just kept lifting and said, "Nice, man. 'Sand bags?' That's a new one." He tried to backpedal..."I meant 'cause they're heavy, and everything!" Uh-huh...classy.

I get him back by texting him about how much pain I'm in in the middle of the night. It's a love/hate thing.

Nightmare said...

Wow that was a waste of time, I got bored just looking at the pictures.

Nice sideboob shot though. Fun bags, ta-tas, sandbags....all good booberific names, personally I just like Boobies. It is fun, funny and easy to say drunk. Even if you're drunk at work in the middle of the afternoon.

Nightmare said...

oh and I LOVE her fuck me pumps! did she roll a stripper before she went on protest?

SmedRock said...

That was part of the audition to be a member of PETA. Right after braiding the pits....

satyavati said...

jeez, XO, how is it I love you so much when we are so diametrically opposed?

You know how I feel about the whole animal abuse and exploitation thing and about people who insist on eating death, so I won't go there.

I still love ya, though.

Xavier Onassis said...

eric - straight people are a hoot! That's why we also call 'em hooters.

janet - sounds delicious! What time should I be there? Along similar lines, some friends of ours have an "Annual Fin and Fur Feast and Fall Festival" where all of the hunters clean out their freezers, fire up the grills and smokers and we all feast on deer, pheasant, moose, elk, trout, catfish, wild boar, or whatever else is available that year. All I have to do is bring a bag of chips.

emaw - you are right. I should have been more sensative and referred to them as gazongas, or sweater-hams.

faith - I'd ask your trainer how he'd feel if one of your "sandbags" happened to fall on his nut-sack. Insensative fucktard.

nightmare - actually, if you are drunk and at work in the middle of the afternoon, just yelling "TITS!" is a lot easier. Half the syllables of "Boobies".

smedrock - didn't get to visually inspect the pits because she was too preoccupied with keeping that sign in place to cover the headlights.

satyavati - ya luv me because I am one suave, debonair and charming sonofabitch. But "eating death"? Surely you aren't suggesting that I should eat animals while they are still alive?!? That's just sick! I've always maintained that if God didn't want us to eat animals, he shouldn't have made them out of MEAT!

Capt. Geoffrey Spaulding said...

Nice touch with the Saskatoon billboard.

Keep up the well-done or medium-rare work XO!