Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Ain't technology great?

I'm old enough to remember when there were only 3, that's right, just 3 fucking TV Channels.

You had your ABC.


You had your CBS


And, you had your NBC



No, emaw, I'm not QUITE old enough to remember the Dumont Network. Fuck you.



There were no UHF channels, no PBS. Nuthin'.

Three. Fucking. Channels.

That was it. And even they weren't on all the time. They "closed" at night because back then, nobody watched TV after midnight.

This is what you got at night.


The fucking Test Pattern that the engineers used to calibrate their equipment. When they were done calibrating, they turned THAT off and you got nuthin. Absolutely, fucking nothing. Static.

So when THIS DOUCHE NOZZLE


started doing his MDA Labor Day Telethon back in 1966, he was hijacking ONE THIRD of the available TV for damn near 24 hours!

In today's bandwidth, that would be like having the same fucking program on over 300 cable channels. You keep clicking, but HE'S STILL THERE!!!

AAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Don't get me wrong. It's a good cause. I guess. I don't actually KNOW anyone with MDA. I'm vaguely aware of Muscular Dystrophy. I'm not even sure what the A stands for.

And it was cool for the first couple of years. I mean just to have something to watch on TV at 3 O'Clock in the morning made you want to stay up all night just for the novelty of having something on TV in the middle of the night! You'd be sitting around in your pajamas eating popcorn in ABSOLUTE AMAZEMENT that there was something other than static on.

But it got really, really old after a while. It would sneak up on you. You would forget about it until you were looking for something to watch and you saw JERRY!

FUCK! It's Labor Day! This asshole is going to be making really creepy references to "My Kids", singing, crying and generally fucking everything up ALL WEEKEND!

BASTARD!!

But ya know what?

Now his Telethon takes up like 1% of the TV watching choices. It comes and goes and I don't even realize it. He still raises his money, he still cries over how much it is, some sick kids somewhere with some disease...well, they're still sick with the same disease...in fact, Jerry has been raising money for damn near 40 years and I don't recall hearing about any major MDA breakthroughs...

But, what the fuck?! At least he isn't sucking up a third of my TV anymore.

Ain't technology great?

10 comments:

Kristine said...

I remember when you had to get up to turn the channel. That's why I watched all my shows lying on the floor right in front of the tv.

crse said...

I remember the elaborate bargaining and bribery to get siblings to turn the channel for you if you happened to be in a chair. i still hold a grudge against jerry lewis to this day for this very reason. Sick bottom dwelling airwave stealing motherfucker!

Stinkbait Boucher said...

heh heh. douche nozzle.

I remember a time and a place with a single television channel. I was cheated as a child and my brother more than I. With more than one television channel perhaps my brother would still have the bulk of his toe and I considerably less guilt over that fateful afternoon when we could have been planted in front of a television and not on that dreadful pond with our shiny new knives...

If only...

Xavier Onassis said...

kristine - "I remember when you had to get up to turn the channel"

crse - "I remember the elaborate bargaining and bribery to get siblings to turn the channel for you if you happened to be in a chair"

Today, that's considered child abuse!!

stink - "I remember a time and a place with a single television channel." No. Say it ain't so!

Joe said...

Don't forget the National Anthem being played right before signoff. Fuck, I'm old too.

Xavier Onassis said...

Joe - Oh yeah, they did do that, didn't they?

Jay Arnold said...

Jerry Lewis is a total douche bag!
The telethon is based off of the ableist idea
[discrimination shown by favoring people who are not disabled]
that people with disabilities are tragic victims. The disability
community refers to this as the charity model of disability
because it categorizes disabled people as nothing more than the
objects of pity. As people with disabilities, we do not need pity.
We want and deserve equal access to public space and services and
respect as fully participating members of society.

Many non-disabled people believe that exploiting people with
disabilities on TV (through actions such as this telethon) is
okay, as long as the funds go to "helping" to find a "cure." We
want the world to hear directly from us. We want the world to know
that no amount of money can make pity and discrimination okay. Our
society would not promote a cure for gender or race; why is
disability any different? We fight for disability to be viewed as
a natural part of life and not as something that needs to be
changed. The A stands for Association.

Poodles Rule said...

I remember setting a VCR and hoping it recorded your show. I love Tivo.

And yea, I also remember the 3 and PBS channels. Then came Fox (UHF) and it was AMAZING!

Heather said...

I totally remember having to manually change channels...because us kids were also known as remote controls for our parents.

I remember that annoying test pattern, and usually the first thing on in the morning (on one channel, at least) was Bozo the Clown.

And I remember Jerry's telethon being on Every. Single. Channel. Nothing to watch for three whole days. There was no Playstation then. We had to use a little imagination to entertain ourselves.

No cures for MD yet, but some of the breakthroughs also have to do with making life a little easier for these kids. I'm just sayin'...

I've heard that a fraction of what the telethon brings in actually goes to MD research.

Few people know that Jerry Lewis does it because he had a kid die from MD. A son, I think.

tina said...

I remember the antenna pain in the ass. Adjust it, sit down,poof! get up, adjust it,etc....then try to sit where it comes in the best.