Saturday, September 22, 2007

Growing Begrudgingly Fond Of Uncle Fidel

I'm starting to like this guy. Probably because he's been around all my life (and that is a steadily dwindling group of people).

Yeah, I know. He's one of the last Communist dictators left in the world, he oppresses his people, he nationalized and eliminated all the "fun stuff" in Cuba (i.e. stuff Americans were getting rich from), he stubbornly refuses to acknowledge defeat. He's a bad man with bad friends.

Mug Shot

With Che Guevara

With Nikita Kruschev

With Hugo Chavez

O.K. Fine.

But ya gotta appreciate the way he's hung in there for the last half a century, poking his finger in the eye of 9 American Presidents (Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush), flipping U.S. the bird from 90 miles away.

The guy has cajones.

When I was a little kid this guy the biggest threat we faced! Communism right off the Florida coast!

Soviet missles in Cuba!

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh MY!

The choice was clear!

Do we want Good (happy and well groomed) Cubans?

Or Bad (angry and disheveled) Cubans?

Actually, I don't mean to make light of the Cuban Missile Crisis because it truly was the closest the world has ever come to an all out nuclear exchange between two Super Powers that could have easily reduced Modern Civilization to rubble.

Thank God we had a foolproof, undefeatable, secret plan to survive the attack.

So, yeah, Fidel has always been the villian. But then Reagan made his famous "Tear Down That Wall" speech. Soviet support for Cuba dwindled. and he was left to his own devices. And still he survived.

Now, here we are, 4 Presidential Administrations after the "collapse of World Wide Communism", and he's still there.

He's still fucking with us.

The Conservative, Republican, Right Wing cannot WAIT for this guy to drop dead! They think that as soon as he goes face first into the Great Beyond, Western Democracy and Greedy Miami Expatriots will swarm into Cuba and be greeted as welcome liberators!

That's why I think he orchestrates shit like this just to stick his finger up our ass.


"CASTRO: Hey. I got an idea. You know I've been sick and I look like shit, right? Let's take a picture of me laying in a casket and leak it to those vultures in Miami! Those greedy, gullible fucks will eat that shit up! Then in a few days, I'll pull a "Jeebus" and victoriously rise from the dead! It'll be a fucking hoot!!"

My favorite Fidel moment was when he addressed the U.N. a few years back. I can't find a link to it to save my soul. But I remember it well.

Castro is famous for giving LOOONG speeches. We're talking four hour speeches!!

The United Nations has a strict limit on speeches represented by actual green, yellow and red light bulbs on the podium. Green, you're OK. Yellow, you're almost done. Red, you are over your limit and need to shut the fuck up and walk away!

Castro walks up to the podium dressed in a western suit and tie (as opposed to his usual well tailored "battle fatigues" and garrison cap), makes eye contact with the crowd, theatrically whips out his pocket hanky and drapes it over the green/yellow/red lights, rendering them impotent and begins to speak. It was self-deprecating and hilarious!

Castro's Cuba ceased to be a threat to Western Civilization decades ago. Now he's just the elderly, disagreeable, curmudgeonley neighbor who wants you to pull his finger and is absolutely focused on living just as long as he possibly can just to say "Fuck You" to everybody.

I don't agree with his politics, but I can't help but be amused by his longevity and attitude.

And they still make the best cigars in the world!

Each cigar is hand crafted and finished by being gently rolled between the thighs of Cuban virgins.

Like these.

The United States is THE ONLY country in the world with an embargo against Cuba. You can get Cuban products everywhere else in the world but here.

Fall Of Communism - Funny bloopers R us

It's just silly.


Heather said...

He truly is that crotchety old fart that stands on his porch, yelling for kids to keep off his grass.

I'm really looking forward to visiting Cuba...whenever that will be.

Spyder said...

"whips out his pocket hanky and drapes it over the green/yellow/red lights" Love it! Too bad Sally Fields couldn't do something like that.

SmedRock said...

Too bad Sally could not get a single sentence together. :)

ignore my editing.... ;0

crse said...

Fidel is my brother's birthday buddy, a fact that ive enjoyed immensely since i was about 12. Thanks for sharing the lighter side of this despot. We dont get that every day. As for che, didnt you see Evita? He wasnt bad at all! He was actually very hot and an excellent singer/dancer! Seriously, I love the bad paranthetical as angry and disheveled. Im going to be laughing at that all day long!

Elisaisabel said...

Eh! no digas nada malo del che Guevara!
He wasn't a bad guy, he defended with Fidel liberty and democracy, he was a doctor and travel a lot arround America and saw all the bad things get done by rich people, and take the arms, but for theme, not 'cause he wanted to be rich or powerfull, and he was killed in Bolivia by the CIA.
Un buen Argentino de ley.