Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Business Travel

I used to do a lot of business traveling when I worked for a major Telecom that ain't so major anymore. They fell on hard times and got eaten by one of their own children like in some Discovery Channel program on cannibalistic spiders or something.

Then, in another twist, the baby took the parents name! Like those people you hear about who keep their dead mother in the basement for years while they keep collecting dear old mom's Social Security checks.

But I gratuitously digress. Sorry.

When I first moved back to the KC area from New Jersey back in 1992 (fresh off my first marriage/divorce), I was spending about half my time in the air. I made routine trips to exotic locales like Atlanta, El Paso, Cheyenne and back to Jersey. In just 18 months I racked up over 180,000 frequent flyer miles.

I flew so much I used to get free upgrades to First Class! I could board first and sit in the big comfy chairs with room enough to cross my legs, a free Maker's Mark in my hand as I watched the cattle moo their way back to their assigned stalls to anxiously await their free bag of peanuts and half a can of pop. A raised glass, a smile and a wink at my Flight Attendant and my next drink was on the way.

On one memorable flight to Denver (you couldn't get to Cheyenne direct from KC. You had to fly to Denver and transfer to a Buddy Holly flight to Cheyenne) I was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. She was a bookish sort. One of those women who don't realize how HOT they are. I love those women! You just know there is a smoldering, pent-up, unleashed, sexual dynamo beneath that meek and unassuming exterior.

We exchange brief hellos and settle in for the flight. I get out my book (The Making of the Atomic Bomb by Richard Rhodes) and she gets out hers.

At some point during the flight, I notice she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. Seeing this as an ideal ice breaking opportunity, I ask her about it.

She replies, "I'm studying pre-med anatomy at KU. This is a very interesting book! It's all about sexual statistics. It indicates that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. Oh, gosh! I'm so embarrassed! I probably shouldn't be talking about things like that with a total stranger! By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

I smile, extend my hand and reply "Tonto Kowalski, pleased to make your acquaintance."

Because I'm just cool like that.


emawkc said...

Dude I totally saw that coming from a mile away. It's an oldie but a goodie.

Xavier Onassis said...

Heh heh heh! One of my favorites!

But ya gotta give me props for the setup! I added pictures and shit. That took time and effort! LOL!

"The D" said...

That's a long way to go for an old (but good) joke.

Nice job proud o' ya!

Xavier Onassis said...

Thanks D!!

Stinkbait Boucher said...

"You are alone now. Last man. You are lone ranger Kimosabe."

Xavier Onassis said...

Thanks Klinton!

Spyder said...

Hmmm never been with a Native American or a Polish man.

Isn't it funny how polish (as in furniture) & Polish are spelled the same way.

So if I had gone out with a Polish man I could have said that I polished off the Polish. LOL

travelingal said...

Spit my coffee out on that one .. never saw before.


Midtown Miscreant said...

WTF was up with that thumb. Thats it, from now on Im treating your blog like swimming. Not going near it for at least an hour after I eat. Funny joke though.

Xavier Onassis said...

MM - "...from now on Im treating your blog like swimming. Not going near it for at least an hour after I eat."

Good call!

Jay said...

I totally didn't see that coming at all. Oh well.

Anonymous said...

The so called bite you have on the thumb picture is NOT a camel spider. This shot comes from a series of pictures showing the stages of a brown recluse spider bite. Double check and make sure you are not falsifying anything.