Saturday, December 15, 2007

Slicker Than Snot!

O.K., this post is going to be very strange.

Try to think of it as one of those serendipitous scenic routes that you inadvertently stumble upon on your way to somewhere else.

Think of the embedded links as those unexpected scenic overlooks that make you wish you had remembered to bring your camera. It might help you make it all the way through.

But I doubt it.

It started as a simple post about the weather.

You see, I was going to head over and pick up the girlfriend this afternoon and take her to a movie. We were going to see a movie I'd never even heard about called Into The Wild.

"INTO THE WILD is based on a true story and the bestselling book by Jon Krakauer. After graduating from Emory University in 1992, top student and athlete Christopher McCandless (Hirsch) abandons his possessions, gave his entire $24,000 savings account to charity and hitchhiked to Alaska to live in the wilderness. Along the way, Christopher encounters a series of characters that shape his life."

It was nominated for 12 awards and has won 8 of them so far.

Pretty good considering Jeff Spicoli wrote the screenplay and directed the movie.


So, of course, I had to include all of this information about the movie so you would know how much we were looking forward to getting out and discovering this little gem.

But as soon as I walked into the garage around 2:30, I could hear spinning tires outside. I opened the garage door and saw a mail truck, a heating and cooling service van, and two cars all stuck trying to get out of the complex where I live.

I'm in a cul-de-sac filled with four-plexes that sits down in a bowl. So the only way out is uphill.

I hadn't expected conditions to be quite this dicey.

I called the girlfriend and we agreed that perhaps waiting until tomorrow might be the more prudent course of action.

So, no movie today.

Instead, for entertainment, I watched these folks attempt to extricate themselves from my little complex.

Funny thing is, as far as I could tell, none of the folks stuck here actually live here. The H/AC guy wasn't even here on official business. He had made a wrong turn on Hidden Valley Drive and came in here just to turn around.

Bad mistake.

The fact that one of the other unfortunate folk had to ask me the name of the complex he was in and what the name of that side street was told me they weren't from around here either.

Apparently, this place is like an arctic La Brea Tar Pit. It attracts and traps unsuspecting winter travelers.

I couldn't lend these poor souls any actual, physical assistance because, well, I just didn't care that much.

But I did whip out my cell phone and call the owner or our little community and let him know what was going on and he came over with his bobcat and some sand and ice and got the foreign chuckleheads out.

As soon as he arrived, I retired to the warmth of my cozy townhouse, sliced me up some summer sausage and cheddar cheese, grabbed a handful of Ritz crackers, poured myself a generous glass of bourbon and headed to my comfortable upstairs bedroom to watch the festivities and thaw my frozen tootsies.

That was the main point of this post. Happily and comfortably watching cold, stupid, trapped people try to dig themselves out of their boneheaded mistakes as a perverse form of entertainment.

As a reference to the slick conditions, I decided to title the post "Slicker Than Snot". I then embarked on a google quest to find a really disgusting picture of snot to kick things off.

Amazingly enough, I could not find a suitably horrific picture that met my exacting standards.

However, in the search process, I found this helpful snot color chart to help you know how sick you are.

That was cute, and possibly even medically significant. But it wasn't what I was looking for. I wanted something that would induce spontaneous projectile vomiting.

You know what I'm talking about. Stuff like this.

or this

I have no idea what this is. Not sure I want to know...

There was plenty worse, but none of it related to slickness or slot.

So I kept looking.

That's when I found the candy.

You may notice the black straps at the corners. The idea here is, you strap the candy-filled nose over your own nose and squeeze the green, sugary, snot-candy out of the fake nose directly onto your extended tongue.

This is actually a dating tool for 9 year old boys to let girls know they have a crush on them.

That is the way such things are done at that age.

The same company that distributed the Hose Nose also carried Fear Factor Candy Cockroaches...

and my absolute favorite; Lick Your Wounds candy

used-band-aid-like dispensers containg tasty candy scabs.

And because I couldn't think of anything to top candy scabs, I'm done!

I got nuthin'!

Stay safe and warm!


Spyder said...

Ok, that was gross! Glad you're home safe & sound. We just got in. Was glad that I happen to have hubby's 4 new sand bags still in my car. Now to sit & write the blog for your tag.

Heather said...

That pic you were not able to identify...a warty STD thingie on a woman's hoo-hah.

Just so you know...

Xavier Onassis said...

spyder - I'll look forward to your response.

heather - yeah, I was afraid it was something like that.


Now I know what not to lick at the swinging singles sex orgy.

Yes to the pink and healthy looking "man in the boat".

No to the inflamed, blistery, hairy, red thing that reeks of infected pus.

Got it. Thanks for the tip.

Stinkbait Boucher said...

"Snowed in with Dr. Vajayjay Hoo-Hah and the Blistered Bobcats."

There's a story challenge if ever I heard one.

Midtown Miscreant said...

Is it just me or is that snot chart an exact duplicate of the paint scheme choices in any JoCo sub division?

Ambitious Fledgling said...

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little at the nasty hoo-hah.