Friday, January 25, 2008

Vote For God!

I poached this from Joe's Big Blog who gives his own provenance for the original material.

"Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you so much for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law.

I have learned a great deal from your show and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.

When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination.

End of debate!

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

A) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Leviticus 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

B) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day & age, what would be a fair market price for her?

C) I know I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

D) Leviticus 25:44 states that I may own slaves, both male & female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

E) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

F) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree, can you settle this?

G) Leviticus 21:17-23 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20 or is there some wiggle room here?

H) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 20:19-27. How should they die?

I) I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

J) My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19:19 by planting two crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton & polyester blend). He tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16). Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging

Gotta luv The Bible!

Vote Huckabee!

Vote Romney!


Anonymous said...

Joe is quoting scriptures from the old testament.
We are now living in the new testament.

I think Joe is tryin' to be a funny guy.

Midtown Miscreant said...

The real question here is why anyone would want to own a canadian, although I would like to stone Celiene Dion.

Xavier Onassis said...

paintman - are you saying that since Jeebus came, the old testament is now null and void?

We are no longer bound by the old testament 10 commandments? Sweet! Cause I have a lot of coveting of my neighbors wives to catch up on!

Also, if the old testament no longer applies, how does that fit with an all knowing, all powerfull, infallible supreme being? Does god change his mind from time to time?

Why wouldn't god have known he would change his mind before he changed it? I thought he knew everything and had the entire path of the universe from beginning to end laid out just the way he wanted. Ya know, alpha and omega? Remember?

What's up with all that, paintman?

SmedRock said...

Your sir are a cut and paste artist. I really hope he sentthat in. "Doctor" laura is a fucking idiot.

As usual, you have done well, Xo. Go forth and convert the masses....

Doc said...

seems to me i first heard that from the mouth of Martin Sheen as 'The President' on...bloody, hell, now I can't think of the name of the show. in any event, Sheen - as The President - had some visitors in to the White House and one of them was a lady talk show host of neo-con influence. she made the mistake of saying something stupid to The Prez and he then launched into the tirade you've posted, nearly word for word. then he invited her to never come to the white house again and she slunk off...

wish i could remember the show's title - how fast we forget...

Xavier Onassis said...

That would have been "The West Wing" by Aaron Sorkin (NBC).

That was the last TV program that I actually tried to reserve time in my schedule to watch on a regular basis.