My Karma Just Ran Over Your Dogma

Last night as I was all dressed and ready waiting for the girlfriend to come over, I noticed that I didn't have my wallet.

I ran upstairs and snatched it off the dresser, securely stuffing it in my back pocket.

I thought "Wow, I'm glad I noticed that. Would hate to go out for dinner and a movie and the girlfriend have to pay for everything because I forgot my wallet! How lame would that be? Whew!"

She picks me up and I suggest eating at Little Richard's Family Restaurant. The movie I had been wanting to see was showing at 8:40 at the Ameristar, so this would be right on the way.

I had a small tenderloin sandwich with steak fries, she had a small hamburger. Both were delish. The girlfriend reached to pick up the check and I protest "I got it!". She says, that's OK, you get the movie. I decided not to argue because the tab at Little Richards wasn't going to be that much.

We get to the boat and head for the movies. On the way in there is a crowd milling about the big showroom and music is blasting out. Seems Alan Parsons was playing tonight. I always wondered how that project of his turned out.

I walk up to the counter to get our tickets to "There Will Be Blood". I pull out my wallet and immediately notice that something is amiss.

My fucking debit card is missing!

I carefully go through my wallet. There's the debit card for my mom's account. There's the card for my rent-paying account (currently empty). There's my purchase card from work. But the debit card that I live on is freaking gone!

The girlfriend comes to the rescue and says "That's okay. We can use mine." So she winds up having to pay for dinner, the movies and refreshments after all. Shit, she even picked me up and drove. I feel like a first class douche.

During a good chunk of the movie, I'm mentally retracing my steps. The last time I used it would have been Thursday afternoon. I went to Price Chopper to pick up a few items. That was when Mike Sanders was in line behind me.

* blink *

Did Mike Sanders snatch my debit card? Was he out buying expensive liquor and cheap hookers on my card?!? Nah. That couldn't be it.

Where else did I go? What else did I do?

And then it hit me. On the way out of Price Chopper I stopped at the ATM to withdraw 20 bucks so I could pick up my shirts at the cleaners. They don't take plastic. Most ATMs these days have what are called "dip readers". Those are the ones where you insert your card and then "remove it quickly". The card never leaves your hand. I like dip readers.

But this particular ATM has one of the older motorized readers that snatches the fucking card out of your hand and holds it like collateral until the transaction is complete. After the ATM is convinced there are no shenanigans occurring, it reluctantly surrenders your card back to you.

So that's what happened. I'm 99% convinced. I walked off stuffing the money and the receipt into my wallet and left my debit card dangling in the breeze like Chester the Molester's johnson for all the world to see.

Now if you don't retrieve your card when it is offered, most all of the ATMs will eat it. But not until several seconds have passed while the ATM is blinking and beeping and drawing attention to itself.

I'm hoping that the ATM ate my card. Then my biggest problem will be going to my bank and getting it replaced.

After I get home, I look up the location of my nearest branch and go to bed with a plan. Get up early, go to the branch, make sure there hasn't been any nefarious activity, and see about getting my replacement.

This morning I decide what the hell, I'll just give Price Chopper a call first. Maybe somebody saw it sticking out of the ATM and maybe they turned it in. Yeah, I live in Independence. But it could happen, right? Not impossible.

So I called Price Chopper, told them what happened, gave them my name and the name of my bank and the guy goes to check.

Guess what? They had my fucking card!!! Unbelievable! Somebody snagged it from the ATM and turned it in! AWESOME!!!

So I get up to the customer service desk, explain who I am and why I'm there, show them a valid ID and VOILA! I'm back in binnis, baby!

Then, on the way back home, I notice that in the time it took me to drive to the store and back, the price of a gallon of gas at 7-11 had dropped 2 cents. I stop and fill up using my fully functional VISA debit card.

I must be living right.

Life is good.