Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The Secret To A Beautiful Lawn

Spring is here!

Birds are chirping (pissing off Faith), trees are budding (causing a resurgence of allergies), "weed and feed" is being sprayed like cheap cologne at Funkytown (causing poisonous runoff into the Missouri River which carries the noxious cocktail to the New Orleans delta, contributing to The Dead Zone there) and Independence Avenue is abloom with crack whoo-ers, junkies, gangstas and winos.

It's a wonderful time of year.

Here is my lawn right outside my front door and next to the driveway...

What a lush, tropical paradise I enjoy!

What's my secret, you ask?

I RENT, BITCHES! I don't do a GODDAMNED thing! I don't lift a finger, mow a blade or spray a drop. I sit on my ass inside, surf for porn, blog, and watch HD cable.

If I get so much as a dandelion I get on the phone and tell them to get their fat cat asses over here and take care of that ugly shit or they aint gettin any rent check this month.

Then I go fix me a drink and watch Stargate Atlantis until the crisis is over.

That's how XO rolls.


meesha.v said...

someone forgot to tell you about the American dream. I, on the other hand know all about it. I may have to share my knowledge of said dream with you over a bottle of vodka and your famous hamburger.

Spyder said...

"surf for pron" lol!

MoxieMamaKC said...

I'm so damn jealous. My yard is a disaster. We had to replace the sewer line last summer and the ground is still settling. The entire front yard needs to be re-seeded. Never buy a house my friend, too much responsibility!
Hope the pron surf goes well.

Ambitious Fledgling said...

That's how AF rolls too.

Jay said...

Nice lawn XO! I rent too and it sure beats having to mow the lawn. People tell me to buy a house and that means a lawn mower too. Nah, I would rather sit on my fat ass and watch TV then do lawn mowing. Let's see the last time I mowed was 1993? Yeah 1993.

Jay said...

Nice lawn XO! I rent too and it sure beats having to mow the lawn. People tell me to buy a house and that means a lawn mower too. Nah, I would rather sit on my fat ass and watch TV then do lawn mowing. Let's see the last time I mowed was 1993? Yeah 1993.

Stinkbait Boucher said...

neighbor: "Hey Trel, what are those cones in your back yard?"

me: "There are cones in my back yard?"

neighbor: "Oh Hells Yeah! Been there for like a month. First I thought it was for soccer but then I noticed they're staked down."

me: "Oh... you mean the shit cones. Yeah, they glow in the dark."

neighbor: "OK... Shit cones?"

me: "Sort of an experiment. I put them there to mark a path across the yard so that I can walk back there in the dark without stepping in a pile of bodacious dog shit."

neighbor: "Nice. You know you can pick the dog shit up more than once a month?"

me: "Yep. I've heard tales of people doing such things."

neighbor: "And why are you walking around your yard in the dark anyway?"

me: "Usually going over to piss in your flowers you nosy fuck."

Yep, I'm quite accomplished in the lawn upkeep myself I must say.

(Actual conversation from this past week by the way.)

Xavier Onassis said...

meesha - there is an unopened, frost-covered bottle of SKYY in my freezer surrounded by frozen hamburger patties and golden crinkle fries.

You are welcome at any time. Just email me at

мой дом - ваш дом

With you get what you pay for.

Xavier Onassis said...

stink - You gotta make it a blog meet!

May 8, Colombian Food?

May 10, Iron Man?

May 24, BBQ at the Saders?

C'mon man!

meesha.v said...

I think it says :Mi Case Es Su Casa,maybe Logtar will translate

Joe said...

If you buy a condo, you get someone to cut your grass and you get the benefits of ownership. At least that's how the story goes.
I don't mow or prune a goddamn thing and I don't miss it from my home ownership days. If I ever had a house again I'd hire a lawn service. Only way to go.

Poodles said...

I need lawn service and some claritin.

Kanga said...

Gotta stick up for the lawn work. I love my rider-mower and ipod time. I get to use motorized sharpened metal on poor defenseless vegetation. And the weed whacker! Take THAT, noxious weed! Hahahahahah! And it all looks so good when it's done. Pride, man, it's all about the pride!

Xavier Onassis said...

kanga - I've owned or rented 3 houses with lawns that I had to maintain.

I can honestly say that I heve never, ever, enjoyed one second of lawn work.

I hate, hate, hate it! I just used the word hate 3 times in a row. I'm attempting to convey how much I hate it.

When it is 103 degrees with 85% humidity, the last goddamn thing I want to do is go work in the fucking yard for 4 hours.

Fuck. That.

Pride? Here is what I'm proud of. I'm proud of tha fact that I had sense enough to sell every last piece of lawncare equipment I owned at bargain prices and move somewhere where I will never again give a shit about anything outside these 4 walls.

And it ain't just about the yard work.

Tonight they are calling for severe thunderstorms, damaging winds and quarter sized hail.

Do I give a shit? Hell no. My jeep (which I own) is safe in the garage. The townhouse (which I rent), ain't my fucking problem.

Home ownership is HIGHLY overrated. It's all part of the manipulation by The Man do drive everyone into debt and consumerism.

The Man can kiss my big, white flabby ass!

Well, metaphorically speaking.

XO don't swing that way.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

PinkoCommieMommy said...

"The Secret To A Beautiful Lawn"...

Keep the damn kids off the lawn!!