Friday, May 23, 2008

Junk Mail From God



(click on the images to embiggen for readability)

This was the only thing in my mailbox tonight when I got home.

A chain-letter, from God.

Hawesome!

So of course, I had to open it.



"Dear...Someone Connected with This Address"


WOW! This so clearly demonstrates the power of an Omniscient Deity!

He/She doesn't even know for sure who I am or where I live, but He/She has a plan for my life.

Mkay.

"GOD'S HOLY BLESSING POWER IS IN THE ENCLOSED ANNOINTED POWER RUG OF FAITH WE ARE LOANING YOU TO USE!!!"

"We believe that you, or someone connected with this address, and another dear family are about to be blessed through this unusual, Bible, Faith, Church, Prayer Rug which we are placing in your care for these next 24 important hours."

"When you use this Faith Church Prayer Rug, go into a room where you can be alone (just God and You).


So much for God being everywhere!

"You must get this Bible Prayer Rug back to the church so we can rush it onto another family that's in need of a blessing. Do this without fail. Please do not break this flow of power between us."




The All Knowing, All Seeing Deity not only has to send out a questionairre to solicit my thoughts, but the letter isn't even signed by a real, earthly surrogate...it's signed "Saint Matthew's Senior Bishop"."

I don't know about you, but I am beginning to have my doubts.




But then I saw the specially sealed (with a little round piece of transparent sticky plastic) Prophecy.




So of course, I opened it...



Wow!

As "...Someone Connected with This Address" I am totally blown away with the accuracy and relevance of God's path for my life as revealed through this so very personal communication from God Almighty through His/Her designated Presence On Earth.

I am truly blessed!

And now, I give you the Prayer Rug.


"Look into Jesus' Eyes you will see they are closed. But as you continue to look you will see His eyes opening and looking back into your eyes. Then go and be alone and kneel on this Rug of Faith or touch it to both knees. Then please check your needs on our letter to you. Please return this Prayer Rug. Do not keep it."


The above was LaserPrinted in color on a piece of paper.

Not handwoven into a rug by tireless, devout monks or nuns.

Clearly, the One True Christian God has singled me out for greatness and wealth.

I am so blessed.

7 comments:

Heather said...

You're supposed to sit on Jesus' face??

Why can't I ever have cool stuff like this mailed to my house?

Suzanne Karmin said...

Oh my god I got the exact same thing!

I pitched it before I opene it tho. LOL. What happens if you fart while you're sitting on the prayer rug with Jesus' face? Will the prophecy turn bad???

Good times...

meesha.v said...

son of a bitch, I thought jesus was sending me an exclusive one-of-a-kind message and now everyone got it. WTF!

Joe said...

I'm so sad. I'm not on Jesus' mail list.

Poodles said...

I'm not on the mailing list either.

I hope you sent them some money though, because if you didn't I think that means you won't get any Jesus christmas cards. :)

Spyder said...

Sounds to me like God must have read your blog about being financially screwed.

Chris Packham said...

Guh. Could God, like, highlight the part of that letter that I'm supposed to think is interesting? Does She, I mean He, seriously think I'm going to take time from my muscle magazines and lottos scratchers to read a lengthy theological financial manifesto? Blah blah blah frickin' blah. On the other hand, if you copy the text of this comment and paste it into the comment fields of ten porn-related blog posts, our Blessed Lady of Professional Discretion will bestow upon your house the blessings of hot galleries of barely legal nymphos.