Saturday, May 03, 2008

The List

We had this little agreement during both my marriages. I think most couples do.

It's called The List.

What it amounts to is each person keeps a list of hot famous people that if given a chance, it's O.K. for them to fuck silly and the spouse/significant other can't say shit.

The composition of the list can change from time to time, but it is usually limited to 10 people. You want to add somebody new? You have to take someone off.

It is generally supposed to be people so incredibly hot and sexy that no one could take issue with you buggering them senseless if you got the chance. It is also generally agreed that the chance of an encounter should be rare. Brad Pitt is an acceptable choice. The guy two houses down with the Porsche...not so much.

There are rules. Rule #1 is that your list must be published and acknowledged prior to exercising of the privilege.

Example.

ACCEPTABLE USAGE: Let's say, Angelina Jolie is on my list (duh!) and my significant other knows it. I'm in an airport switching flights and there is Angelina. We make eye contact. Her knees go weak. She must have me! We duck into the nearest utility closet and go at each other like cocaine-snorting weed-monkeys until we've have had each other every way imaginable and are too exhausted to do it again. I even get digital video of some of it. When I get home, I tell my significant other what happened. I even show her the video and say "See that thing that I did there? With the reach around? She went NUTS! She loved that! Bitch SCREAMED!" All my significant other can say is "Nice one. Good score [high five]. Who are you replacing her with on The List?"


UNACCEPTABLE USAGE: I come home at 5am. The significant other says "Where have you been? I've been worried sick! Are you all right?" I reply "Oh, I'm fine! Everything is O.K. I stopped by the "Stab and Shoot" on the way home from work to have a drink. You know that gal who tends bar on Fridays, Marlene? Well anyway, she was wearing this tube top and a mini-dress and they musta had the air conditioning turned up really high cause I swear to God they was starin' at me all night long. She kept dropping stuff and picking stuff up and, well, long story short, come closin' time I took Liv Tyler off my list and replaced her with Marlene. Wanna see the video?"


So I'm curious. Do you have a List? If so, who's on it? Limit to 10 per person.

5 comments:

Spyder said...

OMG! We've never had a list. Hmmm....

Janet said...

Christian Bale
Hugh Jackman
George Clooney
Brad Pitt
Angelina Jolie
Maggie Gyllenhaal
Tina Fey
Viggo Mortenson
Johnny Depp
Justin Timberlake

I now have an 'official' list!

Xavier Onassis said...

janet - nice list!

spyder - you and kanga need to get busy.

Midtown Miscreant said...

Jennifer Tilly
Young Liz Taylor, think cat on a hot tin roof.
Bridget Fonda
Liz Phair
MARY-LOUISE PARKER from Weeds

That should hold me over.

SmedRock said...

If she still has a pulse and is of legal age, then I am good. OH, and owns a house works too.. )