Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Disasters in Dating Part 5

For those of you who don't know, online dating sites are filled with bogus profiles.

"WHAAAAT??? Say it ain't so, XO!"

It's very fucking much so, Virginia, you gullible little slut.

The most benign form of bogus profile is the mildly dishonest profile. I'm not packing "a few extra pounds", I'm "average". I'm not "overweight", I'm packing "a few extra pounds". Smoker? "I'll tell you later". Want kids? "I'll tell you later".

These folks are mostly harmless.

Then you have the pocket pickers.

You create a profile on a singles sight for free which gives you a certain level of access and communication with other members. Then you start getting "emails" from other "members" at the higher level of membership and the only way you can respond to them is to upgrade to a paid membership.

BOOOOGUS! I call shenanigans!

I've been the recipient of such emails from women allegedly in their 20's or 30's, accompanied by incredibly hot pictures, containing the most generic compliments imaginable, and promising all manner of hedonistic enticement.

I'm not an idiot. This ain't my first rodeo. There are only two possibilities. Bogus profiles created by the website to entice me to up my membership, or hookers.

Umm, NO! Not responding to either one, but thanks for stopping by. GFY.

But today, I spotted a new variety. I'm gonna give it to you in reverse order. I received an email and was compelled to click through to the profile. Here is the profile.


People often use words like vibrant, dynamic, and outgoing when describing me. I consider myself to be an intelligent, personable, attractive woman who enjoys meeting others--especially those possessing that same zest and passion for living that I have made a part of who I am everyday. I am well traveled and can enjoy a conversation with people from all walks of life and all interests. I value intelligence, wit and humor. I'm not much into sports, but would rather spend the afternoon walking around one of the lakes, seeing a movie, or taking in the arts. I am fortunate to have a large circle of friendly acquaintances and a close circle of family and trusted friends. I am not here looking for a soulmate or a spouse, but rather to meet new people, make some new friends, and possibly find a special someone to make new memories with, share new adventures and dream big dreams. I remain a hopeful romantic. Let's talk and explore the possibilities!


Well that was a well written, articulate profile. No picture attached to it, but still, not bad.

Here is the email that this articulate and well spoken woman allegedly sent me that compelled me to learn more about her. Other than blanking he email address, it has not been edited or enhanced. This is exactly he way I received it.

"Xavier, Hello!

I to write to you yahoo,have casually encountered on your photo and it was pleasant to me,I read your history and I even have smiled,I wish to have with you acquaintance and I hope,that you here are with the same purpose-to find the friend. Write to me ##########@yahoo.com I attractive,but the lonely girl and I search for acquaintances. "

I'm guessing she has an uncle in Nigeria who is a government official who needs my assistance getting funds out of the country and only needs my account number to transfer the money.

I guess I'll find out Thursday over lunch. Wish me luck!


m.v. said...

I was gonna guess Russian but could be a Nigerian. Either way, probably a fat dude in a dorm somewhere pulling a night shift.

Donna said...

That's too funny.

I've heard of people having good results with E-harmony.com, but I guess you have to pay them up front. That's why my 60-year-old sister-in-law won't use them. She's cheap.

I Travel for JOOLS said...

I would love to be a mouse in the corner at Thursday's lunch. I can only imagine the mind games you've got planned for her. Be sure to give a full report and leave your wallet at the office.

emawkc said...

That must be one of Mahir Cagri's many sisters.

(Yes, I just dropped a Mahir Cagri reference on your asses. I've been around the internet for a long time.)

Nick said...

she love you long time, yes?

; ' )

May said...

good luck!

Faith said...

Hahahahahaha! The internet dating world has come such a long way since I used it. WOW!

And eHarmony sucked when I tried it, Donna. It wasn't so much that I was cheap, but moreso that it was matching me up with the exact opposite I said I was attracted to. Which I would only find out after a lot of back and forth questioning and answering and bullshit. I think I aged 10 years in the 2 weeks I was on it! Blech.

Capt. Geoffrey Spaulding said...

Remember XO...


Logtar said...

I think you are not give the girl a chance... what if she was hit in the head with a shovel but is still at least cosmetically ok... or what if she paid someone to have the profile filled, but cannot really speak English, would you turn down http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adriana_Lima because she does not know how to write in complete sentences?

Take her to lunch, if she is Russian Meesha can translate. This is awesome!

Xavier Onassis said...

REALITY CHECK FRIENDS: The profile and and email were exactly as I described. But I am not, repeat NOT meeting this person nor did I reply to the email. Not happnin. That part was a joke.

I'm not a COMPLETE putty-head.


Anonymous said...


Stacey K said...

Just in case you find this one too normal you can always give

http://lovebitten.net/ a try