Tuesday, May 19, 2009

This Can't Be Good

First of all, Kenny Ortega is remaking "Footloose".

Personally, I never saw any reason to make the original. Musicals suck ass.

Here is what happens in musicals. People are walking around, interacting, conversing, just like in real life. Telling a story. Then, all of a sudden, music swells from nowhere, people start singing, everyone knows all the words and the harmonies, everybody is performing complex, choreographed dance moves like they have been rehearsing together for months (because they fucking have), ever body poses with jazz hands in some big finish, and then they go back to acting all normal like that bullshit never happened!

I fucking hate musicals.

Mind you, I can suspend my disbelief to allow for faster than light travel, sexy green-skinned aliens, giant gorillas, zombies, and super heroes.

But people breaking into song and dance for no reason? I call shenanigans.

But wait. It gets worse.

The person they have chosen to play the Kevin Bacon role in the remake of Footloose is a guy (that I've never heard of) named Chace Crawford.

Here is the problem. Ever heard of a little thing called "The Oracle of Bacon"? It is an ancient Internets site based on the theory of Six Degrees of Separation.

You put in the name of any actor and it will calculate how many degrees of separation there are between that actor and Kevin Bacon.

Go to the Oracle and type in Chace Crawford. There are only two degrees of separation between him and Kevin Bacon RIGHT NOW! What will happen when Chace Crawford plays Kevin Bacon in a movie they have both been in?

I'll tell you what will fucking happen! There will be ZERO degrees of separation between Chace Crawford and Kevin Bacon, the two celebrity's internet data will merge, forming a cybernetic singularity. That's right. A Black Hole that will suck up all the data on he internet. No more Google. No more YouTube. And in case you haven't figured it out yet, NO MORE INTERNET PORN!

Not even that crappy, violent, Russian pornography will be able to escape the infinite cyber-suckage that will result if we allow this abomination to move forward.

Forget worrying about the particle accelerator at CERN creating a mini black hole that will swallow he entire Earth! This is WAY more dangerous! Did you not here the part about NO MORE PORN?!

Email your Congressman! Rick Roll Kenny Ortega! March in the streets! Get Clay Chastain out there to gather fucking signatures! Do not let this happen!

I'm counting on you to keep my free internet porn coming! Don't let me down.


Nick said...

if the resulting black hole takes lolcatz and tkc with it, fuck it: it's totally worth it.

The DLC said...

Footloose is not a musical, it's a movie with some music and some dancing in it. As I recall nobody sings instead of talking which is the real hallmark of the form.

That said, the remake is definitely going to suck. Because I'm sure they will turn it into a bona fide musical in the classic sense.

emawkc said...

Let me just put your mind at ease. Already I have secured a time-travel space ship and a little red goo and sent my best man back to before they made the original Footloose.

He's going to inject the red goo at the point of production and cause an analog black hole that will erase the very concept of Footloose from history itself.

If my calculations are correct (and I've used Wolfram/Alpha on this, so they must be rock solid) then by this time tomorrow this post won't even have been written.

This will have the added benefit of nipping the whole "Six degrees of Kevin Bacon" phenomenon in the bud. So, bonus.

I Travel for JOOLS said...

I don't believe we could be more polar opposites. Whatever you like, I don't and vice versa. Even musicals. And yet here I am commenting about something that means absolutely nothing in my world.

I need a ... something.

Xavier Onassis said...

JOOLS - I don't know why you keep coming back either but I'm very, very pleased that you do. The place wouldn't be the same without you.

Anonymous said...

Ok this has to be stopped, No MORE PORN, no way. :)

PS. I left you a tweet re blog problem, you do know how to check replies now don't you?