Thursday, October 15, 2009

Flying Saucer Abducts 6 Year Old Colorado Boy! LIVE!

The saga began with a tweet to my cell phone from the twitter account of BNO News.

A 6 year old boy was trapped in a runaway, homemade, experimental, flying saucer shaped helium balloon he had been helping his father build in their garage in Colorado.

OH MY FUCKING GOD! Let's go to the video!

This drama went on for hours as helicopters were leapfrogged like Pony Express riders to follow the balloon so ground crews and EMS vehicles could race after it in case it hit a cell tower or power lines or rammed into the ground dragging the poor little six year old passenger like Hector behind Achielles chariot.

Remember yesterday when the stock market soared back up over 10,000? Well this afternoon it plummeted to about 3 as evryone used their office computer and corporate bandwidth to watch this silver ufo float over Colorado.

It eventually drifted, gently, to a graceful and elegant stop in a soft, recently plowed field surrounded by firetrucks, ambulances, and news crews.

PRAISE JEEBUS! The 6 year old boy was SAFE!

Yeah, he was safe. Safe hiding in a box in the attic of his house because he was afraid his dad would be pissed off at him for casting off the rope and letting his Dad's big silver toy ballonn go flying off into space!

The kid, whose name was Falcon Heene, pulled an Anne Frank!

Best twitter tweet of the day? "@mattfraction: he was in the attic in a box? what, was he the *maltese* falcon?"

Try to grasp this. As the entire country...Nay!...the ENTIRE WORLD followed this floating fucking balloon like it was Apollo 13, no one thought "Ya know, I'm just gonna look around the house for a minute."

How much did all of the news crews, helicopters, ambulances, fire trucks, internet servers, lost productivity and sheer emotional energy cost the planet Earth because a 6 year old boy lost a balloon and then played hide and seek for a few hours?

But ya know, it's not surprising that his dad would just assume his son was on board and alert the authorities.

His dad is not exactly close personal friends with...reality.

He filed an iReport on CNN because he thinks the European Space Agency is covering up evidence of civilization on Mars. Not just cultural artifacts like buildings. But full blown forests and evidence of heavy earth (sorry, Mars) moving equipment. I'll let him explain it.

He also chases storms, has some wacky theory about storms, magnetic fields and gravity.

And apparently his family was on some reality TV show.

Any chance this was all some huge publicity stunt to hijack some media attention?



m.v. said...

All I was thinking about it where do I get drawings to make an awesome balloon like that

Xavier Onassis said...

m.v. - I know, right? Think of the fun we could have with one of those ballooons, a voice changer (, an mp3 recorder/player, and a cheap bullhorn.

I Travel for JOOLS said...

One of the biggest hoaxes of '09.

The DLC said...

What I want to know is: Who were these people that said they saw the kid in the balloon? Every report said that "family and officials" confirmed that the kid was there when it took off.

Regardless, yesterday was hilarious and interesting, everything that's great and terrible about the internet age.

Bull E. Vard said...

What we really need to avoid any of this nonsense is state run media. That way the smart folks like XO can be in charge of what we see on TV. We also need to outlaw tinkering in the garage unless explicitly allowed by smart people (again of XO's caliber) so incidents like this don't occur. This way we can control what people do and think and we won't have these weirdos with weird ideas hijacking the news. There won't be weirdos because the smart people (like XO) will be in charge of telling people what to think.

Or we could just embrace the randomness of the freedoms we have and we can get 3 hours of completely unpredictable story every once in a while.

Midtown Miscreant said...

and mom and pops fabricated the whole was a great story while it lasted. They had me buying into it hook line and sinker.

Faith said...

And XO, from what I'd heard yesterday afternoon, they had searched the house and the property surrounding it, and hadn't been able to find him. I think we're supposed to believe that he was just too sneaky for the adults around him to be able to outwit him! ::snicker snicker snicker::

Assholes, the lot of them. I know the kids are just kids still, but they're stuck with those parents, and you KNOW that don't bode well for their personalities as adults!

faithstwin said...

I can just see it now. Police search all through the house but every time they get near the 'attic' (isn't it just storage in the rafters of the garage? I disgress) the Dad would be all, "NO! Don't look there. Lets try his closet again..."

Come ONNNN- These parents are complete morons and they should be held accountable for every single resource used to pay for this farce.

JOCOeveryman said...

I sensed scam from the first second. They will be on that nanny show next.

Capt. Geoffrey Spaulding said...

The parents DID get a reality TV show out of this deal...