Friday, November 27, 2009

Tiger Woods - What Really Happened

Tiger Woods plays golf for a living and is married to a fucking Supermodel.

They're rich as fuck. They have kids.

They have pets.

Yet despite having a seemingly perfect life, the rumor is he had an affair with professional skank Rachel Uchitel.

[thanks @manningtheship]

Now we have word that Tiger left his house after 2am and accidently hit a fire hydrant and and tree, after which his wife broke out the back wind shield of his SUV to rescue him.


I've been married a couple of times and been in a A LOT of relationships. Here's what I think happened.

He got into a fight with his wife over his affair, she grabbed one of his own golf clubs and came after him wanting to cave his fucking skull in. He called 911 (tape to surface later) and he ran for his life in his SUV. She threw the fucking golf club at him breaking out his rear window, and he was so freaked out he didn't notice the fire hydrant and the tree he crashed in to.

"Windermere police chief Daniel Saylor told The Associated Press that officers found Woods, 33, lying in the street with his wife, Elin Nordegren, next to him.

She told officers she was in the house when she heard the accident and "came out and broke the back window with a golf club". Woods had lacerations to his upper and lower lips, and he had blood in his mouth, Saylor said."

Again, BOOLSHEET! She dragged his ass out of his fucked up Escalade and beat the shit out of him till the police showed up and pulled her ass off of him!

As in all exclusive communities (like Johnson County), the police exist not to enforce the law, but to protect the reputations of the rich residents and their children.

Expect official statements from every level of government and law enforcement to continue to cover up the alcohol-fueled, domestic violence angle.

Until the truth finally forces its way to the surface.

I got 20 bucks says I'm right.

Anybody want to take that bet?


Joe said...

I like your version better than anything I'm going to hear in the MSM. I had no idea he was alleged to stray from his marriage.

Poodles said...

I said this exact thing yesterday to my husband. I told him there were rumors of an affair and that that damn golf club went through the window first causing the accident. (It's what I'd do). He's a dumb ass!

Hyperblogal said...

I still think it was an alien abduction gone horribly, horribly wrong.

Dan said...

I'll go ahead and take the bet. You have a solid understanding of the way life works in Independence and other hoosier suburbs, but life among the rich and famous isn't for you (or me) to understand.

Xavier Onassis said...

Dan - Alright. You're on. I think this news story backs up my version. Nothing definitive yet, but sure sounds that way to me.

I may not about life among the rich and famous, but I know women. Tiger doesn't.

The reason Tiger is so good at golf is because his father rode his ass his entire life to keep him focused on one thing. Golf.

He doesn't have a supermodel wife because he's so incredibly charming and nurturing. He has a supermodel wife because he's rich and famous.

Dan said...

Jury's still out, but I am thinking I might owe you $20 . . .

Andrew said...

Who gives a shit!

OBAMA is going to announce Tuesday that he is sending 36,000 more men to Afghanistan.

And a real dollar projected cost of a million buck per man.

And, of course, Iraq goes on although we don't here as much about it.

Trying to maintain two wars, and start a new health care plan, with the massive debt we have, unemployment rising, yada, yada, yada...

And you are blogging about Tiger Woods.

Better than admitting that your boy lied, ain't it?

Andrew said...

And sure, hip guy...two divorces, lots of failed relationships, sure, you know women! LOL!

Midtown Miscreant said...

Andy, you should lighten up, stop carrying the weight of the world around on your breeeeeathhhhh.
Now to tiger. It was only a matter of time before something dirty came up on him. He has managed to stay out of the gossip mags, lived a pretty stellar life for a high profile sports figure, and carried himself with class. Thats pretty fuckin rare, almost unheard of. I'm willing to give the guy the benefit of the doubt based on the way he has carried himself for the past 13 years. This affair thing was an Enquirer story, not exactly 60 minutes.

Dan said...

I look forward to receiving your $20 -

Anonymous said...

Who gives a shit? This must be a chick thing. i just don't get it.

Anonymous said...

Yes your version is true...Tiger was sloppy and there was a text from his mistress on his phone. He came back from playing poker with the boys (he had a couple of drinks in him), she confronted him, he didn't come clean, then she took a swing at him with his 9 iron and connected. She continued to wail at the car. He now is lying low healing after some plastic surgery and damage control. He and his wike are getting some counciling. Arnold Palmer has gotten involved for some support.