Thursday, July 15, 2010

Darth Cheney! For Reelz!



So this week we found out that last week, Dick Cheney had yet another cardiac intervention to keep him alive. It was all very hush hush.

Instead of the pacemaker that had been keeping his heart beating in a regular rhythm, he now has a Left Ventricular Assist Device (LVAD).



I'll cut through the medical mumbo jumbo and give you the Cliff Notes bottomline.
Dick Cheney is now a battery powered cyborg who no longer has a pulse because his heart no longer beats! The LVAD is an impeller pump that keeps his blood circulating in a constant flow. A cable (USB?) runs from the LVAD attached to his heart, through an incision in his stomach to an external controller worn like a belly pack, connected to a shoulder holster battery. He will need to carry extra batteries because they are only good for a few hours.

I wonder if the LVAD comes with a car charger? He spends a lot of time travelling between speaking engagements. Maybe he could plug into the cigarette lighter for a charge on the go.

But the creepiest, Vaderist little detail is that at night, Dick Cheney actually needs to be plugged in to a wall socket to stay alive! He might want to invest in a UPS and some diesel generators. Otherwise, he's just a thunderstorm or ice storm away from sudden death! Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Actually, I don't know why they don't just cut to the chase. Power the LVAD with a Radioisotope Thermoelectric Generator RTG like NASA uses on it's deep space probes. They could mount it in a large, external, carapace-like breastplate with lots of flashing LEDs and toggle switches and shit.



Seriously. Never has this much technology been used to keep this much evil alive. This fucker will fester like a pus filled boil on the ass of humanity forever, thanks to modern science.

I'd become Amish in a futile, symbolic protest to this abomination but internet porn is the life blood that sustains me and makes life worth living. It is, My Precious.

So now, if you'll excuse me....

6 comments:

emawkc said...

Ironically, he had to go to Switzerland for the procedure since that's where this technology was pioneered and perfected. Socialized medicine indeed.

Nick said...

Years from now historians will unanimously agree this is how the Borg collective began.

Of course, by then the subject itself will be moot…

I Travel for JOOLS said...

Think this procedure will be covered under The "Affordable" Health Care Act?

He's a walking dead man.

Anonymous said...

It is obvious that you hate Dick Cheney. So, who is your hero? Barak Heusein Bin Ladin Obama?

Anonymous said...

My father is actually having this procedure next week. It is the only thing that can keep him alive until a heart becomes available for transplant. He's only 62. So, yes, many jokes can be made, but the technology is saving lives.

Anonymous said...

no one needs to tell why you are an idiot, you've done a good enough job showing it all by your lousy self. my uncle has an lvad, and i'm thankful for it. the fact that you have no concern for human life no matter what their political belief, tells everyone that you are the evil one. i surmise that the day you realize it, it will be too late. God love you, and i hope you learn that before its too late.