Wednesday, November 10, 2010

My Beanless Chili Recipe

The other night my BFF called and wanted to know how I made my chili.

She had some ground beef, was going to make tacos, but then remembered my awesome chili from a few nights before and thought "Maybe I'll make XO's chili instead!"

She was disappointed to discover that like everything I do, it ain't that simple! I'm a complicated man! This ain't no impromptu dish! This shit takes some planning!

But I'll post my recipe here so you can plan ahead if you want to make some genuine XO Chili.


Land O' Lakes Butter
Vidalia or other sweet yellow onion
McCormick Peppercorn Medley Grinder
McCormick "Grill Mates" Steak Rub
Old Bay Seasoning
2 lbs McGonigles Meatloaf Mix
1 Bag of Ol' Hired Hand's Six Gun Chili Mixin's
1 Can of Rotel "Chili Fixin's" seasoned diced tomatoes and green chilies
1 Can of Rotel "Mexican Lime and Cilantro" diced tomatoes
1 Bottle of beer
1 Beef Bouillon Cube
1 Cup of water
Baker's Chocolate


Dice up some sweet yellow onion bits and saute them in some real life, honest to God, fucking Land O'Lakes butter!

Don't you DARE use fucking canola oil, or olive oil, or margarine, or "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!".

Fuck that! Use real goddamn butter. The stuff with the hawt Native American chick on her knees and wearing buckskins.

Nothing else will do.

For the meat, I use McGonigle's Meatloaf Mix.

Brown that up with the butter and onions. Mix that shit all together and season with the Steak Rub, Peppercorn Grinder and Old Bay.

You can smell it, can't you? Damn right you can!

Now. Pay attention. This next part is important.


Dump that skillet full of goodness into a colander and let all that grease and shit drain off. Press it down with a spatula. Squeeze that excess stuff out of the meat.

Nobody wants to dip through a layer of grease to get to the chili! That's just gross.

Now, I like to cook, but I'm not stupid. I have no desire to reinvent the wheel.

So I use "Ol' Hired Hand's Six Gun Chili Mixin's", but I don't strictly follow their instructions.

Their directions call for mixing the two large packets of seasoning in 1 cup of water.

Fuck that!

I boil a cube of beef bullion in a cup of water and add the spices to that.

Put the drained meat back in the skillet, add the bullion and spices and simmer until it looks and smells good.

Dump the meat into a large pot. Add the Rotel tomatoes...

Add a bottle of beer of your choice. I used a Boulevard Single-Wide I.P.A...

NOTE: This chili contains ABSOLUTELY NO ALCOHOL! The alcohol in the beer gets cooked off and only leaves the flavor of the barley and hops in the chili. This is where you can have fun choosing which beer to add to the mix.

Lastly, take half a block of Baker's chocolate, finely grated, and sprinkle it in the final mix.

Bring everything to a boil, reduce heat, and simmer uncovered, stirring frequently, for 30 minutes.

Serve over a bed of crushed Tostito chips, garnished with shredded cheese, diced green onions and sour cream with a side of corn bread with butter and honey.

Enjoy and embrace the winter!


I Travel for JOOLS said...

That does sound really good. You and the Russian guy should open a restaurant.

m.v. said...

I am one layoff away from opening a restaurant.
I was actually looking for a recipe like this since my kid is allergic to beans. I wonder what't in the meatloaf mix, no way I am driving to McGonigles

Xavier Onassis said...

Dude, it gives the ingredients right on the label. Ground beef, veal and pork. You would love McGonigles! It's closer to Olathe than your job!

Will Bilyeu said...

Sooo not in the right spot here, but I would like information concerning the "Horner Cult" if you remember any of it.

People are still dying.