Tuesday, February 22, 2011

It's Like I'm Back In Junior Fucking High

If you've been following my blog for any amount of time at all, you know several things about me.

1. I'm a verbose asshole who loves the sound of his fingers hitting the keyboard as much (if not more) than Rush Limbaugh loves the sound of his own voice and his Oxycontin filled Twinkies with the special Vicodin frosting.

2. I hate, Hate HATE those Social Media folks who want to turn every tweet, every blog post and every comment into a fully monetized, brand reinforcing, revenue generating tool of our capitalist, corporate, Overlords. (Except of course, my friends who make their living doing this. They are exempt from my contempt. Love you guys! Call me! Let's do lunch!)

3. I'm a fiercely loyal friend.

So with that as the background, this is what went down.

I saw some shit on a friend's Facebook page that appeared to be a member of a group of Social Media douchebags that I distanced myself from a long time ago trying to turn my friend's happy occasion into a marketing opportunity.

I got pissed and spoke my mind. Ya know, like ya do.

Turns out I totally misread the situation. Took shit out of context. It happens. My bad.

But the victim of my Righteous Indignation (who I really don't like anyway) decided to cop an attitude.

He sent me a message on Facebook explaining his side of things. Fair enough. He probably should have stopped there.

But like me, this fucker doesn't seem to know when to shut the fuck up. He had to go and close his message with this:

"I would suggest that it would be advantageous for you to check things out before making taking ad hominem pot shots.

Finally, I regard unsubstantiated and defamatory attacks on my business and character as libel, regardless of the mutual friends we might share and I will pursue vigorous legal action if you should choose to do this again.

I expect a full apology in writing."

Seriously? He wants something in writing? From me?

Be careful what you ask for!

Here is what he got. Only the names have been changed.

"Oh You Insufferable Little Prick.

I'll try to keep this short (although I do tend to be one verbose sonofabitch) because responding to you is taking valuable time away from downloading porn.

First of all, this is the Internet. No one takes the time "... to check things out before making taking ad hominem pot shots." Why? Because, you guessed it. It too takes time away from downloading porn and is therefore not very important.

As far as your hollow threat of "vigorous legal action" is concerned you can go pound sand up your ass. If everyone who thought someone had been mean to them on the internet could sue for libel both the legal system and the internet would have ground to a halt years ago.

As for an apology, I have already apologized to My Friend for taking a big fat shit in his punch bowl and he has accepted same. That is the only apology that will be forthcoming from me.

But it could have been different. After My Friend explained to me the context in which the photos were posted and your correction was offered, it made perfect sense that you would want the attribution to be corrected. You may have recieved an apology from me.

But you sure as fuck aren't receiving one from me after your pompous response to the situation.

I gotta tell ya You Insufferable Little Prick. I've only met you a couple of times. I followed you on Twitter for a while and visited your blog and website. To be perfectly honest, you've always come across as an arrogant asshat with just a hint of douchery. Nothing about this most recent encounter has done anything to soften my perception.

So, please, when you get a minute, go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.

Yours in Christ,

Xavier Onassis"

17 comments:

"The D" said...

I want to see this facebook feed! And so does everyone else!

Xavier Onassis said...

The D - I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request. Means "no".

Muddy Mo said...

Dear Mr. Javier Oasis,
A mutual acquaintance informed me that you are having trouble finding the time to flame asshats and download porn at the same time.

Well, Javier, believe it or not, there are millions of folks with this problem. So, I am sure you will be interested in this investment opportunity, "TWO MONITOR SOLUTIONS, INC." Please call 900-555-5555 to receive your free Prospectus!

Joe said...

Gee, you're such a nice guy in person.

Nick said...

I can't quit fucking laughing. You made my morning.

Hyperblogal said...

Would you please write my collection letters?

Xavier Onassis said...

Hyperblogal - I used to write collection letters for a living in a previous life. I'd be happy to write yours. Although I suspect the letters I would write are the ones you wish you could send, but can't. The FDCPA sucked all of the fun of being a bill collector. :-(

Anonymous said...

I agree, you are an asshole.

And if the guy needs a lawyer, I hope he contacts the Raytown Hacks and Mold Expertes at their new location on Blue Ridge Blvd.

Moderate that, smart guy, because of course a smartass like yourself has comment modertion.

Joe said...

Well, can't say I didn't see this coming (for quite some time), but the "friend" of mine in this story has gone to the Doucheside.

He prefers to keep peace with his dubious business network than grow actual friendships with real people.

We have "unfriended" each other.

See ya buddy. Good luck to ya.

Logtar said...

Oh noes! When we get to the high school stage and we have to pick little cliques, I am so in your gang!

I had a post on this very subject but chose to just let it be, simply because it would not make me feel better.

Only once before have I had an asshat actually ask me for a written apology and he got a similar reply from me. I never though of making it public, but not a bad idea.

Bea said...

LOL!

Bea said...

LOL!

Radioman KC said...

Absolutely, and get a t2 LINE. and some automatic downloading software. But with Tor, it's just NOT gonna be fast.

And quit your fucquing profanity, you nutbag!

Me in Christ.
You can call me Jeezus H.

Fiery said...

And this post is exactly why I love you. Nothing beats a blog post by XO with his shorts in a bundle.

Hugs and kisses ya ole crank you!



ps- comment moderation sucks ass, i'm just sayin. i likes me shit showin' up instamently. it is the internet after all.

Xavier Onassis said...

Fiery - I fissed the moderation thing. I now will only moderate comments on posts more than two weeks old.

Far be it from me to delay your gratification! ;-)

Groucho K. Marx said...

Awe come ON XO-

Tell us how ya REALLY feel...

;)

Xavier Onassis said...

I always do Groucho, I always do.