BROKEBUTT MOUNTAIN

Yeah, I won’t be seeing this movie. And before you start jumping to conclusions, it’s got nothing to do homophobia. Two of my siblings are gay. Some of my coworkers are gay. Some of my friends are gay. I got no problem with gay folk. I mean, after all, I’m a guy. And what guy doesn’t like LESBIANS? Ahhhh L E S B I A N S!!!!!

I’m sorry. Took a short little trip to my “Happy Place” for a minute. I’m back now.

No, the reason I won’t be seeing this movie is that it’s basically a chick flick. In this particular case, the chicks have dicks, but it’s still a chick flick. It’s a tragic romance and I don’t go in for that sort of thing. It’s not what I go to the movies to see.

Now if there was a chase scene with lots of gun fire, and one of the horses ran off a cliff and exploded into a huge ball of flames, maybe that might get me to the theatre.

Or if they were sitting around the campfire getting ready to play hide the salami, and this big alien spaceship came down, bathed them in some sort of spooky radiation and turned them into 50-foot tall, fire-breathing squid monsters, that might do the trick. I’d probably go see that. Or at least rent it when it came out on DVD.

But I didn’t see anything like that in the previews. All I saw was a couple of manginas whining about shit. I got no time for that. Life’s too short.

It’s even shorter if you get your ass torched by a giant fire breathing squid monster.