I own and occasionally ride a bicycle. Although I manage to do so without being a spandex-clad, cyborg-helmeted total fucking nerd. I make bike riding cool. Got an ashtray mounted on my handlebars, and a little tray that holds my smokes and a drink. Picture someone from the Vegas Rat Pack riding a bike. That's me.
My girlfriend also owns and rides a bicycle. She's even more bicycle friendly than I am. She looks HOT in spandex shorts! She's even ridden in the MS 150 (personally, I think it's fucking cruel to make people with MS ride on bikes for 150 miles, but to each their own. Ya know?)
Well, this morning, me and the girlfriend were headed up to Lowes so she could scope out some wallpaper borders and buy some paint. I live in Liberty and we were headed north on Southview Drive. Those of you familiar with the area may know that Southview runs parellel to 291. Between Southview and 291, is a bicycle trail.
In front of us, ON THE STREET, not 5 feet away from the designated bicycle path, was a guy on a bike!! We had to slow to a CRAWL and wait for traffic in the other lane to clear before we could pass his obnoxious ass!
Now, like I said. We are both sympathetic to bicycling. Not because we think it will change the world or save the fucking planet. It's just fun, good exercise and we enjoy it. But WHY THE FUCK should I have to yield a road meant for cars to some fucking asshole on a bicycle when there is a bicycle path damn near within arms reach of this inconsiderate asshole?
I felt like opening my door as we went by and clobbering the geeky sonofabitch!
Every year, when I renew my car tags, I have to pay taxes and fees for the upkeep of the roads that I drive on. Fair enough. I understand the logic. I drive the roads...I pay for the roads.
What about those inconsiderate, nerdy fucking assholes on bicycles?? Why IN THE FUCK should I have to slow to a crawl or swerve into an opposing lane of traffic and take the chance of a head on collision with another TAX AND FEE PAYING CAR OWNER just to avoid taking out a few tree-hugging "cyclists" decked out in gay-cyborg-superhero regalia?
I suggest that a new TAX is in order. If bicyclists want to use the public roads and highways built for and funded by automobile owners, they should pay a hefty INCONVENIENCE and DANGER TAX and display a License Tag on the back of their rediculously expensive mechanical conveyances proving that they have paid said tax and are thereby entitled to inconvenience and endanger everyone else.
Any cyclist without said tag displayed, is fair game.
In a future post, I plan to piss off REAL bikers (motorcyclists) who claim that "loud pipes save lives". Yet another bunch of inconsiderate assholes. My plan for them involves very thin, nearly invisible clothesline strung across residential streets at neck-level.
When you see my body floating down the Missouri River, please call The Authorities.
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