Friday, March 31, 2006

Laugh at XO!! Go ahead! Yuck it up!

I don't know shit about cars. Don't really want to. I want to get in them and go. What goes on under the hood is a mystery.

Ask me about rockets, the history of space exploration, the big bang, evoloution, international politics, aerodynamics, astrophysics or the intellectual poverty of mankind as a whole (and conservatives in particular) and I will hold forth ad nauseum. I'll bore you fucking silly.

But ask me to change my own oil and I'll tell you to go fuck yourself.

A former friend of mine was a real motor-head. He'd work on his cars even if they didn't need anything done. He was always tinkering. Personally, I think it was just an excuse to get away from his fat-assed, hypochondriac wife and his idiot sons. I wouldn't blame him if it was. But I digress.

When his boys were young, he bought them a couple of those little battery operated cars so they could tool around the back yard and terrorize the dogs. He used to brag that he watched his oldest son drive around for a while, stop, open the hood, pretend to tinker, close the hood, then get in and drive around some more. He was SO proud! His son was growing up to be a bloody-knuckled, dirty-fingered, semi-literate, minimum waged Auto Mechanic! What father wouldn't be PROUD?

I always responded that if it were MY son, you'd see him drive around for a while, stop, pretend to make a call on his cell phone, pretend to write a check, then get in and drive around some more. Fuck a bunch of crawling under cars! That's for "Tool Users"! An evoloutionary step just above learning to bang rocks together.

All of this is an introduction to what happened this week. I was driving into work and just as I was getting ready to pull into the garage downtown, my Jeep (a 2000 Sahara) beeped at me! Impudent bastard! An Idiot Light said "Check The Gauages". So (being an Idiot) I did. Radiator gauge was just hitting the Red Zone. By the time I parked, it was PEGGED all the way to the right! WTF?!?

I start having panic attacks! Jeep was fine, now all of a sudden I'm fucked. My mind is racing with Worst Case Scenarios.

I wait till lunch time and then go take a look. The radiator and reservoir appear to be EMPTY! HOLY SHIT!!! So I call a dealership and ask for the service dept. They tell me that my Jeep will hold two gallons of water and antifreeze (50/50 mixture). I work downtown! There ain't no freaking gas stations downtown! At least not any that stock coolant. Crack, yes. Coolant, no.

So I call AAA. I explain the situation. They say they can either tow me (imagine a tow truck making it up six levels of a downtown parking garage and extracting me), or, they can bring me gasoline (I don't know much about cars, but I'm thinking that putting gas in the radiator just don't sound right).

A pregnant coworker (overhearing my predicament) suggests looking at OSCO at 10th & Main. She even tells me which aisle to look in. Sure enough...coolant! Saved by a pregnant woman!! I buy four gallons! Just in case!

At the end of the day I'm getting ready to go out and add the coolant just before heading for home. Hoping and praying that this is all I need. I'm freaking.

I email The Girlfriend for advice. She used to own a POS Lumina that required constant fluid replenishment. I asked her if, "in addition to filling up the radiator, do I need to fill up the reservoir too? Or does it fill itself?"

I knew there was some sort of suction-function that takes place in engines. I thought maybe it sucked coolant into the reservoir, thus filling itself. What the fuck do I know?

She laughed so hard she couldn't even respond to my email. She tried to leave me a voice mail but was laughing so hard I thought she was peeing her pants. Accused me of shaving my head just so no one would know I was really a BLONDE!

Bottom line is, all it takes is a pin-hole leak in my radiator to send me into a blind, idiotic panic attack.

Now, my girl friend knows it. You all know it. And you can all have a good guffaw at my expense.

What I won't do to entertain my readers!


The Real Assassin said...

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check it out!

Dan said...

Glad to know there's another Y chromosome out there without adequate motor knowledge. I tried to change my own oil once, and it was an 8 hour ordeal.

Bart said...

Check your muffler bearing. Sometimes a bad one will cause coolant leaks.