Saturday, April 01, 2006

The Roof

I haven't said much about the Stadium Tax issue. I don't live in Jackson County, I'm not a sports fan, so basically, I could give a shit. Plus, Tony has been doing such an excellent job of tracking the story, I didn't feel like I had anything to add.

I'm old enough to remember when the stadiums were first built and the plans really did include a rolling roof. I thought "Wow. That's cool." Of course, I was probably stoned at the time. But I'm not against the concept of a rolling roof, as such.

The thing that I don't like about the whole issue is the way they are presenting it. If you listen to the spin-fuckers, you have a choice of a Nuclear Carrot (vote YES and get a cool stadium, a Super Bowl, an All Star Game and an NCAA Final Four which has nothing to do with either stadium), or a Nuclear Stick (vote NO and have a crumbling, empty ruin of TWO stadiums, no sports teams, and become Wichita without all of the aviation industry).

But with only days to go until the vote, I still haven't seen one basic question asked.

Why the fuck does a football team need a roof? The NFL doesn't "call" games because of weather. They keep playing. And there is nothing more entertaining than watching millionaires earn their fucking money slipping and sliding around in wet, freezing mud! Now THAT'S Football! They don't need no stinking roof! We could have freezing rain so heavy that the Quarterback has to break out of his ice-encased shell before looking for a reciever and the game would go on! The receiver could catch the ball at the 40 yard line and slide on a solid sheet of ice at 30 mph to score a touchdown and the game would go on!

I can understand baseball players wanting a roof. If it rains, they stop playing. If the humidity is too high and it kinda seems like it might be rain, they stop playing. If one of the fat catcher's crotch-sweat dampens the dirt under his ass in a manner that resembles an area where rain has recently occured, they stop playing. If Slugger scratches his crotch, they stop playing. That's a sound policy. Because "playing" is just a "gateway activity" to the larger evil of "losing". Nothing can keep the Royals from losing. Not a roof, not a coach, not an owner, not a turf, nothing. We shot our wad in '85 and we are still breathing heavy in a sweaty bed waiting to get it up again.

So, the baseball team's performance doesn't justify a roof, the football team's League doesn't require a roof. Who needs a roof?

Johnson County Power Fans. Pampered pansies who don't want to be exposed to the elements as they move from their seats to the bar and back. Johnson County Junior League Trophy Wives who don't want to take a chance on getting their brand new Mark Shale blouse wet as they stand in line to go pee in groups of 20 while missing a game they really don't care about anyway.

Half a billion dollars from blue-collar or poverty-level working folk to keep rich yuppies from being exposed to the elements while they "network" and close sales during a function they have no interest in.

I say let the teams leave. Maybe Johnson County will go with them.

Now if we could just get rid of the NASCAR track and send the rebel-flag waving, Bush-voting, Intelligent Design promoting rednecks packing too, this might just be a nice place to live.