Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Me and Clay Chastain

Dear God save us, he may be coming back.

“I’m heading back to Kansas City to try to change the direction of the city,” Chastain says. “I want to help create the greatest light rail system in the country in Kansas City next March. I’ll be back in a few weeks.”

Will it never end?!? Jesus H. Christ on a crutch!! Haven't we been through enough with this guy?

"Chastain will be petitioning (trolling for babes) to get an initiative before voters (in his Quixotic hopes of someday being Mayor) in March for a rail system that would run from Swope Park and the zoo (drive-by central) to the Nelson (hoity-toity art geeks from JoCo don't ride trains), UMKC (students and academics seem to prefer transportation via bicycles, spandex and unnecessarily streamlined helmets), Plaza (yeah...park the air-conditioned Beamer with the JoCo tags, mingle with the un-washed masses and take a train. That will happen), Westport (drunks hoping to avoid a DUI), Union Station (no one goes there), the new Performing Arts Center (see Nelson above), Sprint Center (Big Empty Glass Wok with a third rate, yet-to-be-named sports team of some sort), City Market (young, gay urban-dwellers who can walk to work and don't need a train) and over the river and through the Northland with stops that would include Zona Rosa (all of the people who shop at Zona Rosa live near Zona Rosa) and on to the airport (people leaving KC in a huge hurry)."

Chastain: “And I have an honest passion to help my country, the people of Kansas City and the planet.”

Oh puhLEEZE! Let me tell you a little story.

It's the early '80s. I'm single, never been married. I'm living in a sweet little studio apartment in Westport just off of 39th and Clark. It's a former single-family dwelling that has been converted into 3 modest apartments. I have the whole ground floor. Nice picture window. Little kitchen. It's fully furnished (I have a fold-out couch for a bed), all utilities paid, rent is $175.00 a month.

The guy who owned Kelly's in Westport lived right across the street. I'd sit on the front porch, sipping an ice cold Killian's Red and chuckle as he mowed his lawn in the 110 degree heat and 80% humidity (my landlord came by and mowed my grass once a week).

Live music was a block and a half away at Parody Hall. We're talking The Morells, The Blasters, local bands like Steve, Dave and Bill or whatever the fuck the Rainmakers used to be called, national acts like Gatemouth Brown and Leon Russell.

Life was simple. Life was good. The place was small enough that I could survey my entire "estate", inventory everything I owned by simply turning my head from left to right. It was all there, within eyesight from my crappy recliner parked in front of my 13" TV. I lived there for 4 years. My longest sustained residency at that time.

Enter Clay Chastain and some business partner whose name escapes me. Suffice it to say Clay was the "idea guy", the other numb-nuts was the "money guy".

I see them one day, outside the house, taking pictures. Clay is doing all of the talking and making lots of hand gestures, like he's trying to convey a concept.

I used to be a friendly, open guy. So I go out and ask what's up.

Clay explains (in so many words) that they have bought the place, they're evicting everyone (including the semi-hot slut on the third floor that I was hoping to nail...we have 30 days), so that he and his partner can "renovate" the place, restore it to a single-family dwelling, paint it in bright Victorian colors and charge some stupid yuppie hundreds of thousands of dollars to buy it so that he and his partner both walk away rich while the lives of the current tenants are left in shambles.

Is this a great country, or what? God Bless America.

Thus ended the Golden Age of Xavier Onassis.

Clay Chastain can kiss my big, white, flabby, suburban ass.

Clay Chastain doesn't care about anybody but Clay Chastain.

" good."


Mark said...

It was Steve, Bob and Rich. They were awesome. Chastain? An enormous ass. Like his last "plan" for gondolas from Penn Valley to Union Station. Where's the Post Office? I asked about the rendering. "Oh that's a detail we'll work out later..." Sure Clay. We'll just condemn Federal property. That sounds easy enough. What a gigantic (insert vulgar modifier here) tool.

I know I'm not being very "candidate-like" today but screw it. I've had a bad week and hearing that man's name just pisses me off.

Anonymous said...

Chastain isn't all that great, but you douchebags are Dumb. The guy had a dumb idea once, big deal. Where are you brilliant transit solutions? Put up or shut up.

emawkc said...

You have a great point as usual XO. Who needs a bunch of people with money coming in to Kansas City, Mo., to renovate all the blighted neighborhoods and make them suitable for decent people.

Hell, decent people shouldn't live in KCMO, they'd be happier somewhere else!

And who in the hell needs mass transit? Not KCMO for sure! Put in a mass transit system and all of a sudden all of the random nasties will be commuting to the nicer areas of the metro area. Nope, I agree with you. Keep them all in KCMO, that way we decent people won't have to deal with them.

Xavier Onassis said...

You may have missed my point.

Or I may not have expressed my point as eloquently as I intended.

It's a 50-50 shot, either way.

I'd much rather ride a train than drive into KC every day. It would make my life so much less stressful.

But I'd rather die from a road-rage induced stroke on the way into work than have to suffer the presence of Clay Chastain in our fair city.

He is such a self-serving, self-promoting, ill-informed, publicity seeking, transparently politically ambitious dweeb.

And, BTW, the neighborhood in Westport wasn't blighted and the people living there were incredibly decent. It was a great community. Clay and his partner just wanted to bring in that universally undesirable Johnson County element to send prices sky-rocketing. Turn everything into an "investment" instead of a nice place where people enjoy living.

emawkc said...

He is such a self-serving, self-promoting, ill-informed, publicity seeking, transparently politically ambitious dweeb.

I think you've just described the majoridy of the KCMO city council and school board.

emawkc said...

"majoridy" ???

I'm such a dumbass...

Anonymous said...

Having lived in a couple of other large cities, I can absolutely tell you that KC does NOT need a transit system. There is no traffic here outside the construction bottlenecks.

Chastain is a tool.

By the way, did you ever nail the hot slut? -- (That's all I really care about anyway)

Xavier Onassis said...

Nope. Never did.

And it's all Clay "cock-blocker" Chastain's fault!

She would have succumbed to charms eventually.

Lets see, that was all back between '81 and '85.

I'm guessin' me and her would have been plannin' our 3rd or 4th date by now.

Rotten rat bastard!

Coulda "had me some".

Anonymous said...

Wouldn't your landlord be the asshole, since he's the one who decided to sell? I mean, sure Clay offered the money, but your landlord didn't have to take the offer leaving the tenants screwed.

Xavier Onassis said...

Are you kidding me? The man put a fully furnished, all utilities paid roof over my head for 4 years at $175.00 a month. That man was a fucking saint.

Clay Chastain is a douchebag.

consultant said...

Hey, have you heard of peak oil? Soon, communities will wish they had some viable form of mass transit. Come on now, give mass a break. Don't know Clay Chastain, but I do know far too many investment pricks who would sell their parents out for a quick buck. Kick Chastain to the curb, but support mass transit.

Anonymous said...

Clay may be a bit of a "Goof", but he is active, involved and drives the self-righteous city officials insane. I love that in anyone.
I also wouldn't mind having light rail to connect the Northland to some of the nicer places to go downtown. I've lived in this city for over 12 years and have hardly been to downtown 'cause I don't know which areas are safe.
And not to destroy your fragile male ego, but to look at you, you didn't have a chance with the hot slut anyway.

Clay Chastain said...

This guy sounds like a total freedom-hating asshole. First off, he stole my name and second off every time I hear light rail ideas I just think about the Simpsons Monorail episode. Now I find out that he evicts hot sluts and ruins people's lives. Way to go, doppelganger.