Sunday, July 23, 2006

Being Hip, Suburban and White can Really SUCK!


So, there I am, sitting on my big, white, flabby ass taking a break from Lawn Patrol (the backyard was beginning to resemble Nicaragua) and spending a little "quality time" with my Toshiba 46" HD DLP TV.

After surfing some of the HD channels (with the Logitech Harmony Universal Remote that my GF bought me for our second anniversary...she LOVES ME!), I settles on the last 20 minutes or so of "Without a Paddle". Funny movie. Ironic choice.


All of a sudden, there is this loud POP and the screen goes black.

After a few seconds, I notice the little green and red LEDs on the TV are both blinking in unison (the red one means the power is On, the green one means the power is Off. Fucking ass-backward Japanese). I'm thinking "What the fuck? This can't be good!"

So I go dig out my manual and the bottom line is, my projector lamp has gone to Couch Potato Heaven. That's a $200.00 light bulb!

I just bought this fucking TV at Best Buy last February! Two grand! Luckily, it's still under warranty (and so is the bulb). So I call Best Buy thinking "Fuck mowing the lawn, I needs me my HD TV!! I NEEEDSSS it, my Precious!".

I explain my circumstances to the teenaged girl on the phone, and in a very sweet, helpful voice she tells me that I need to bring the TV in so that their Geek Squad can "put it out for service" (whatever the fuck that means).

I tell her "It's a 46" fucking TV! I drive a jeep!". I'd do more damage to the TV just trying to get it to their fucking Geek Squad. I explain, "The bulb is burned out. The bulb is under warranty. I just need a new bulb. I take the old one out. You give me a new one. I put it in. Problem solved. An hour, tops!".

Oh NOOO! That's not the way they do things at Best Buy. My warranty is from Toshiba, not Best Buy. I kindly thank her for her superb customer service and going that "extra mile" that means the world to people willing to drop two grand on a fucking TV!

So here I am, blogging instead of watching Larry Moore's 120 year-old visage in disturbingly graphic High Definition detail listing the murders, rapes, robberies and general tomfoolery that I moved to the suburbs to escape.

I might actually be FORCED to watch one of the other 3 TVs in the house! All analog! One a mere 25" and the other two a pathetic 13".

How much barbaric depravity must I be subjected to? This is cruel and inhuman beyond measure!

Thank God I still have Broadband Internet Porn to fall back on for entertainment.

Now you know the hidden indignities that we white, male, suburban-dwellers must endure. Our suffering oft goes unacknowledged.

Feel my pain!

WE SHALL OVERCOME!!!

DISCLAIMER: Some of the actual verbal exchange between myself and the BB employee has been "enhanced" to selfishly promulgate my reputation as an asshole. No animals were harmed in the posting of this blog. Although I wanted to hurt one. Really, really bad!

5 comments:

emawkc said...

A 13-inch TV!?!?! What has America come to. That's not the America I know. Hell, that's not even Mexico!

"The D" said...

Holy Shit, I feel your pain. I just had my tv fixed and it only cost me 400.

A 13 inch t.v.?? You might as well be watching it though a key hole.

Heather said...

Hmmmm...

Sorry, I can't feel your pain. I don't watch television.

But I would be really sad if my Palm Pilot died.

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