Friday, January 12, 2007

The Batmobile

NOTE: Above graphic blatantly stolen from Eric Seltzer's Batmobile site. Go there. It's hip, it's cool, it's happening.

So, it's 1989 and I am living in Hackettstown, NJ with my first wife and slaving away as a boot-licking, ass-kissing, suit-and-tie-wearing corporate drone. It wasn't my fault. Those were the Reagan Years. What the fuck else was I going to do?

I'm watching the evening news and they have a story about this guy named Scott Chinery down in Tom's River, NJ. Seems he had just bought The Batmobile for $185,000.00. Holy Fuck! The honest to god Batmobile and it's just two hours away from me!! I have GOT to go see this car!

I go into work in Morristown the next day and start working the phone, tracking this guy down. Turns out it wasn't that hard. He owned this company called Cybergenics which made and sold dietary supplements for bodybuilders. I get his secretary on the phone, tell her I saw the news story and would very much like to come down sometime and take some pictures. She said she'd check with Scott and get back to me.

A little bit later, she calls me back. Mr. Chinery said it would be OK with him, but I'd have to do it TODAY because the Batmobile was leaving the next morning on a nationwide tour! Crap! I'm at work and I don't have my camera or anything. I didn't expect to get this all worked out TODAY!

Now I have to go in to my boss, explain that I know it's short notice and all, but could I please have the afternoon off so that I can drive two hours down to Tom's River, NJ to take pictures of the Batmobile. Pretty please? Amazingly enough, he agrees.

Now I need a camera. They didn't really have disposable cameras back in '89. Mine is at home and that's an hour away in the opposite direction. There is a high-end camera shop in Morristown that I've dealt with before. I call them and explain my predicament and they say they can rent me a camera for the day. SWEET!!

I go grab the camera and head to Scott Chinery's house. It's the sort of house you'd expect a guy who was a multimillionaire by the age of 29 to live in. I meet the guy. He's like 6'6" and about 275 lbs. He's fucking ginourmous. He tells one of his boys to go get the Batmobile out of the garage for me.

I wait outside. A garage door opens, and there it fucking is. The goddamn Batmobile!

They had to roll it out of the garage. Apparently it needed some mechanical work and wasn't actually running. The Emergency Bat Turn handle was also laying in the passenger seat. Seems that $185,000.00 gets you the Batmobile "as is". But I don't give a flying fuck! I'm in total geekgasm meltdown! This is unbelievable!

In 1966 The Batmobile and James Bond's Aston Martin were the coolest fucking cars on the planet! Fuck a bunch of Mustangs and Camaros. THIS was a fucking muscle car!!

And then, just when I'm thinking "Man, it doesn't get any better than this!", his son opens the drivers door and says, "Want to get in?"

Exsqueeze me? Do I want to get in? Do I want to sit in the drivers seat of the motherfucking Batmobile?!? Did Rose Kennedy own a black dress? HELL YEAH!!

That's right, bitches! That's me, Xavier Fucking Onassis sitting behind the wheel of the motherfucking Batmobile! Look out Evil Doers, there's a new crime fighter in town! Forget the fact that this particular crime fighter looks like a complete fucking nerd, he's got the Batmobile. So fuck you.

See you bitches next week. Same Bat Time, same Bat Channel. Ciao, baby!

For more information about the original George Barris Batmobiles and the many replicas (one of which was the one I saw and photographed...thought it was the original at the time), visit Eric Seltzer's Batmobile Site.


Janet said...

DUDE! That is so awesome!

Xavier Onassis said...

My thinking EXACTLY! LOL!

Joe said...

X- I am so FUCKING JEALOUS! You are the man! >>Joe bowing down to the X man<<

Spyder said...

Wow, just had a theme song flashback.

travelingal said...

Neat story. One of those once in a lifetime experiences. XO in a suit!!!


Janet said...

and with hair! *snicker*

emawkc said...

Am I the only on who thinks the young XO looks like Radar from M*A*S*H?

Xavier Onassis said...

emaw - Christ, that had my laughing so hard I just shot bourbon out of my nose. And I'm not even drinking bourbon.

I do look odd with hair. If I had known how much better I would look with a shaved head, I'd have done it a lot earlier.

Now, it's like seeing a picture of Yul Brenner when he had just doesn't look right.

There is a much worse picture at my dad's. It's me with my little sister and two younger brothers taken in the mid seventies.

I don't want to scare people away, so I'll try not to be too graphic. Let's just say there were long bushy sideburns, somewhat mullet-like haircuts, lots of polyester, and lapels that you could land a jet fighter on.

And that was just my sister. The guys looked even worse.

My 13 year old daughter, young Galadriel Tanqueray Onassis, still laughs about that picture. I think that when I am trying to be serious with her and talking about something very important, she is looking at me but secretly remembering that picture and just totally ignoring everything I'm saying.

Iwanski said...

That's a fantastic story.

And the Kennedy black dress joke kills me.

Dan said...

This may be the best post ever. Anywhere.

You are so totally the man for going for it. A lesser man, by which I mean anyone else, would have heard that it was leaving the following day and said, "Aw, bummer," and forgotten about it.

Xavier Onassis said...

Dan - It's all about the car.

Chick's dig the car.

Newman said...

Wow, that looks like a manwhore in that Batmobile. Batwhore! KAPOW!

tee said...

Thinking about Scott as 10th Anniversary of his passing is upon us. My friend since 7th grade, I saw him few hours before he passed, and still can't believe he is gone! Aside from incredible success in business, and his eccentric collections of the coolest stuff, please know this... He was a compassionate giant with a huge heart!

Xavier Onassis said...

tee - Thank you for that. I can personally vouche for the fact that Scott was very generous to me and I have the coolest pictures of my life to show for it.