Friday, April 06, 2007

Good Friday

Today is Good Friday and the beginning of the Easter weekend. This is an appropriate time to remind people of the True Meaning of this sacred Christian holiday.

Good Friday is the day that Jesus was crucified. It's called "Good" Friday because He died for our sins and opened the way to eternal salvation for all of us. Well, all of us except the Jews, Muslims, Hindu's, Buddhists, Wiccans, Zoroastrians, Communists, Democrats, Activist Judges Who Legislate From The Bench, Queers, Evil-Doers and Baby-Killin' Abortionists. But everybody else is good to go.

Although, if I were the one being crucified (like these ignorant fucks), I would be thinking it was a pretty fucking shitty Friday, no matter who my dad was. Especially if my dad wasn't lifting a finger to help me out. I mean, I can understand not getting up at 3 in the morning to come bail me out of jail or something, but fuck! C'mon! I'm hanging on a fucking cross here! We're talking big ass rusty nails and blood!

Plus, I got some hairy prick poking me with a spear and shit. Yeah, big tough guy down there! Stabbing a guy whose nailed to a cross! Big pussy!

But, I guess it would be hard to keep a Holy Holiday tradition alive for 2000 years if it was called Pretty Fucking Shitty Friday. Nobody's going to let their employees off work for THAT!

So anyway, Jesus "dies" (wink, wink) and they put him in a cave with this big, round, rolling, stone door. Seems to me like a pretty wasteful and inefficient way to bury someone, but whatever.

He lays in there for 3 days.

And then, miraculously, He Arises.

The stone door is rolled away, and Jesus emerges from the cave.

And if he see's his shadow, he goes back inside and we have 6 more weeks of winter.

I'm like, 99% sure that's what the Bible says. You can look it up. Should be somewhere close to the beginning of the New Testament I think.

There is also something in there about PMS too.

I remember reading that Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem.

Man! I remember vacations like that! Jeez! Oops!!


Spyder said...

I've been home sick and you just triggered a coughing fit with "And if he see's his shadow, he goes back inside and we have 6 more weeks of winter." Love you anyways!

Have a blessed Easter!

crse said...

WWJD- Who wants jelly donuts! My favorite easter image is from the onion and its a picture of the easter bunny with a cross strapped to his back. Strangely i was just thinking about the pretty fucking shitty elements of good friday and had the same thought....good for who? seriously xo, im kind of appalled at your irreverance. Dont you know Jesus DIED so we not only get this holiday off, but also get to eat a lot of candy?

Janet said...

Me, I refuse to honor a human sacrifice of any kind.

What are we? the Aztechs?

Nightmare said...

Shit since it was nice and sunny yesterday I'm betting...oh wait, we have to wait until Monday for the weather report from the rising Jesus Holy Weatherman.

I hope it is cloudy...

Keith Sader said...

Huitzilopotchli finds your lack of faith disturbing Janet.

Red7Eric said...

Huzzah! I'm so glad I found you; this is way better than church!!