Sunday, June 10, 2007

Ask The Hip Suburban White Guy


Ask me anything.

Want know my opinion on a topic? (and who doesn't?)

Got a trivia question about the Space Program? (I know EVERYTHING about it. I'm a geek like that.)

Need help resolving a marital conflict? (I've been married and divorced twice.)

Need help moving next weekend? (the answer is NO. ask something else.)

Ever wondered what my first car was? (No, it wasn't a brand new Model T. Bite me!)

Boxers, briefs or commando? (Ewww.)

Ask away. No topic is off limits.

I will answer all questions honestly unless I think it would be funnier to just make some shit up.

Go nuts.

P.S. If you don't like the answers you get from me, go here and get one of these.

36 comments:

Nightmare said...

Ok my smarty pants.
How much wood can a woodchuck chuck?
or...
Where are my socks?

Xavier Onassis said...

27 board feet a day.

Check behind the dryer.

Stinkbait Boucher said...

I'm watching the Tony awards - on purpose. What does this say about me? Follow-up - Is there a cure?

Xavier Onassis said...

stink - You may be suffering from latent homosexuality (not that there's anything wrong with that). Although I disagree with the assumption that this is something that can be or should be "cured", you might try going out into the woods with a gun and killing something. This seems to be a common technique for masking similar underlying symptoms. If that doesn't work, try running for either Attorney General of Kansas or Prosecuting Attorney of Johnson County. There are precedents for this technique.

Spyder said...

If you stared in your own TV show what song would be the theme song?

Spyder said...

Here's another question for you: Guess who got engaged this weekend? Need a hint?

Xavier Onassis said...

spyder1 - The thing about TV show theme songs is, it depends on when they debuted.

If my show began during my last marriage, I'd probably be stuck with Bobby McFerrin's "Don't Worry, Be Happy".

If my show started right after my divorce, well, it could have been several theme songs.

"Tied To The Whipping Post" by the Allman Brothers.

"Why Don't We Get Drunk And Screw" by Jimmy Buffett.

"Fat Bottom Girls" by Queen.

"One Way Out" by the Allman Brothers.

These days, I'm rather partial to "I Ain't As Good As I Once Was" by Toby Keith.

Xavier Onassis said...

spyder 2 - the answer is fuzzy. try again later.

Fiery Ewok said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Fiery Ewok said...

Hmmm, you either know the answer to Spyder's question and are being XO about it.

Or you haven't been visiting your friends' blogs. [no not mine. you don't know me from adam]

Tsk Tsk. It's a great story too. Damn thing got me all choked up and I don't know him or his fiance. *sniff*

Happy hunting! :-D

travelingal said...

Sunday seems the day you shave your head, press your pants and change your bed linens.

What would your hair look like if you let it grow out? Do you use a pressing cloth? Silk sheets?

travelingal said...

Yah, I'm totally lacking in imagination tonite..lol

Spyder said...

T.gal-Good question about the hair!

Red7Eric said...

When Superman masturbates, do all of the little sperm in his ejaculate just fly away? If so, isn't it possible that there are Superbastards all over Metropolis?

Xavier Onassis said...

"What would your hair look like if you let it grow out?"

Think Peter Boyle.

"Do you use a pressing cloth?"

Nope. Bare steam iron on linen-blend pleated slacks.

"Silk sheets?"

Nope. One set is 600 thread count egyptian cotton. The other is 100% modal. http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product.asp?order_num=-1&sku=104324

Xavier Onassis said...

eric - that's what the cape is for.

emawkc said...

Why do bad things happen to good people? What is the ultimate purpose of humanity? Is it ever okay to kill another human being? If you could choose one super power, what would it be?

Xavier Onassis said...

"Why do bad things happen to good people?"

Because this is a big, ancient, random universe where things don't happen for a reason. They just happen. Chaos theory and entropy trump determinism and deism every time.

"What is the ultimate purpose of humanity?"

We have no purpose. At least no preordained, divine purpose. The only purpose we have is that which we impose upon ourselves. We start off on an equal footing with cockroaches. It is up to us to raise ourselves to a higher level of social responsibility through the power or our intellect. We define our own purpose.

"Is it ever okay to kill another human being?"

Yes. It is. That was a softball question. You neglected to ask when and why.

"If you could choose one super power, what would it be?"

Flying.

If I could leap over all of the fully loaded, snail-crawling 18 wheelers and cell-phone chatting fucktard idiots who have no conception of what it means to be part of an organic, self-aware, stream of traffic with a common goal then yes. I would choose. flying.

If flying were taken, I would choose "shooting flaming explosive fireballs from my fingertips" as a weak second choice.

But my default choice would always be X-Ray vision.

Or invisibility.

travelingal said...

Keep shaving your head...lol

crse said...

ohhhh this is so exciting! I love questions. Hmmm...
How can I convince my five year old not to be scared to sleep in his own room? I have a million more questions (since Norm is on hiatus indefinitely)

satyavati said...

Oh, this is sooooo me. I should just send you whole emails full of questions.

1. Why can't I find com 3 on my list of ports, and how is this related to the inability of my modem card (which is supposed to be on com 3) to work?

2. If you could have any kind of car at all, what would it be?

3. Will Iron Maiden ever play in Raleigh?

And

4. What would be your menu recommendations for a meal without meat, eggs, fish, poultry, grains or beans?

Gosh, you ought to charge for this service.

emawkc said...

Who built Stonhenge, and for that matter, the pyramids?

Why does Mississippi have four s's and four i's but only two p's (as far as I know)?

What does a key grip do?

What is that thing?

When is it okay to kill someone?

Stores have signs that say, " No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service." What about pants?

Do you ever wonder if really dumb people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Is the hokey pokey really what it's all about?

Xavier Onassis said...

Crap! I didn't expect this kind of volume! It's 6:43, "Big Love" comes on HBO (that sounded kinda dirty, didn't it?) at 8 and I need to fix supper before that. Crap! OK. Here goes!

crse - Hang one of those American-Indian dream-weaver things over his bed, tell him it keeps the monsters away. Let him leave the door open a crack. Remind him that (insert name of person he admires the most) sleeps in his own room.

I feel like one of those guys in the park playing 25 chess games at the same time!

Satyavati:
"1. Why can't I find com 3 on my list of ports, and how is this related to the inability of my modem card (which is supposed to be on com 3) to work?"

Sounds like the base config on the com-port node of your motherboard came with the S. Korean alignment of PCSI pins instead of the Taiwan Protocol Alignment (TPA) which has been standard on SIGMA9 products since 2005. I'd take it back to where you bought it and tell them that they violated international industry standards and if they didn't give you a brand new Dell XPS with all the frills you would contact the Attorney General and your local Call For Action reporter.

"2. If you could have any kind of car at all, what would it be?"

That's easy. The Batmobile. Not one of those lame-ass movie Batmobiles either. I'm talking about an original, George Barris, 1966, TV Batmobile.

"3. Will Iron Maiden ever play in Raleigh?"

No. God willing, Iron Maiden will never play anywhere ever again.

"4. What would be your menu recommendations for a meal without meat, eggs, fish, poultry, grains or beans?"

Mushrooms. Lot's and lot's of mushrooms. Fungi are about the only edible item on earth that's not on your do-not-eat list. All that's left after fungi are dirt and rocks. BTW, I have plans that night, sorry I can't make the "dinner party".

Crap! 7:01! Gotta hurry!

emaw, you curious bastard!

"Who built Stonhenge, and for that matter, the pyramids?"

Prehistoric stonemasons! Duh! Who else could have built them?

"Why does Mississippi have four s's and four i's but only two p's (as far as I know)?"

Because that's how you spell Mississippi. Anything else would be wrong!

Do you actually think about these questions before you ask them?

"What does a key grip do?"

Basically, he (or she) is in charge of behind the scenes stuff that moves. Cranes, cameras, dollys, that kind of thing. Also responsible for making sure nobody gets hurt while the stuff is moving.

"What is that thing?"

That's the composite exhaust nozzle from the second stage of an Athena rocket. I turned it upside down and used it as a planter for my Big Boy tomatos. I traded a friend of a friend's Dad who worked for the company that made them a custom mixed Mills Brothers cassette tape for it back in '84. You like?

SHIT! 7:14!!

"When is it okay to kill someone?"

When they are yapping on their FUCKING CELL PHONES when they ought to be concentrating on driving! Fucking fucktards!!!

"Stores have signs that say, " No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service." What about pants?"

I need more data. Suggest you go the nearest QT, drop trou, walk in and buy a box of Tampons, a Cherry Coke and lottery ticket and then report back on the results.

"Do you ever wonder if really dumb people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"

No. But I do wonder how blind people know when they are done wiping their ass. Seriously. How do they know?

"Is the hokey pokey really what it's all about?"

No. The "hokey" has nothing to do with anything. It's all about the "pokey", baby! Hell yeah!!

Jeez! 7:20! I make just make it yet!

Ciao!!

crse said...

Ok I know you are watching big love, but Ive got a new one for you. Does eyesight ever get better? To the point where you need less of a prescription? Or do i just have a sucky optician?

PS: I really need to know this about blind people and ass wiping now. Its going to eat at me.

emawkc said...

Do you believe in love at first sight? If so, what about the aforementioned blind people? Are they just SOL, or do they have love at first touch?

satyavati said...

I think we should do this topic everyday around here. I feel smarter already.

Here's a couple more to keep you warm tonight.

1. Did we really go to the moon?

1a. If so, why have we had an appalling lack of ability to consistently get a shuttle to go around the earth without something hideous happening? Isn't our technology like oodles better than it was in 69?

2. Who was the better villian, The Riddler or The Penguin?

3. Did you want fries with that?

Xavier Onassis said...

crse - "Does eyesight ever get better? To the point where you need less of a prescription?"

Yes, it does...with stem cells. Scientists are predicting that they can cure common blindness with stem cell therapy within 5 years.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/3950827.stm

emaw - "Do you believe in love at first sight?"

No, I don't. I believe in lust at first sight. Love takes longer. But I haved used the Braill method of getting to know a woman on the first date.

Xavier Onassis said...

Satyavativ - "1. Did we really go to the moon?"

Absofuckinglutely we went to the moon. Six times succesfully and 12 American men set foot there. I know. I've met some of them.

"2. Who was the better villian, The Riddler or The Penguin?"

In the TV series, The Riddler was the better villian. Frank Gorshin chewed up the scenery like a great white shark.

But Jim Carrey just shit all over the place and despoiled The Riddler on The Big Screen.

Danny DeVito was the best Penguin EVER. Gotta love him knoshing on the sushi! That was some disgusting fucking shit.

I am REALLY looking forward to the next Batman movie with Christian Bale returning as The Dark Knight, Heath Ledger as The Joker, Aaron Eckhart as Harvey Dent (and thus the future Two Face), Eric Roberts as Salvatore “The Boss” Maroni, Michael Caine, Gary Oldman and Morgan Freeman...

This is some Frank Miller shit going on here.

"3. Did you want fries with that?"

Hell yes! With lots of salt and ketchup!

emawkc said...

Have you ever wanted to relive a moment from your past, to redo it? Describe the situation. How and why would you change the past?

Xavier Onassis said...

I was at a kegger out in the country in the 70's. I was in my 20's and making out with a hot chick next to a rural propane tank.

Someone ran by yelling "The Cops are here!"

I switched to Chivalric Hero Mode, told my possible conquest (in the most Heroic voice I could summon) "YOU WAIT HERE! I'LL GO SURVEY THE SITUATION. IF THE POLICE ARE HERE, I WILL COME FOR YOU! WE WILL HIDE IN THE WOODS (and maybe i'll get lucky protecting a grateful damsel in distress) UNTIL THE CRISES IS OVER. THEN, WE WILL MAKE OUR ESCAPE!!

I stood, posed like a super-hero, and headed off at full heroic gallop, caught the (unseen) rural clothesline right across my neck, went tea kettles over assholes, fell flat on my ass gasping for air and looked like a complete doofus.

If I could go back and change that, I would have ducked earlier. Or not stood up in the first place. Or done whatever it took to get laid.

She was really cute.

emawkc said...

Who let the dogs out?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Who's your favorite author? Your favorite book? Your favorite musical act?

What's the difference between something being "crispy" and something being "crunchy"?

If you're in a car travelling at the speed of light, what happens if you put on the headlights?

Do you know a trick for remembering how to spell the work 'mnemonic'?

Iwanski said...

OK, big daddy.
If I go my whole life, and I never "make it" as a writer or a film-maker, is it still worth it to keep trying?

Xavier Onassis said...

"Who let the dogs out?"
The Baha Men.

"What was the best thing before sliced bread?"
The wheel.

"Who's your favorite author?"
Dan Simmons

"Your favorite book(s)?"
The Lord Of The Rings

"Your favorite musical act?"
The BelAirs.

"What's the difference between something being "crispy" and something being "crunchy"?"
Crispy is greasier than crunchy.

"If you're in a car travelling at the speed of light, what happens if you put on the headlights?"
Who cares? What kind of car is it, what kind of engine does it have and what kind of mileage does it get?

Do you know a trick for remembering how to spell the work 'mnemonic'?
Yes. I remember Keanu Reeves in 'Johnny Mnemonic'. It works. Trust me.

Xavier Onassis said...

"If I go my whole life, and I never "make it" as a writer or a film-maker, is it still worth it to keep trying?"

Oh HELL YEAH! As long as you don't bankrupt yourself, neglect the people who love you or compromise what you know to be true.

"Making it" is kind of like finding true love. It's only after you decide 'Ya know what, I'm happy with who I am and what I'm doing and I just don't care. Whatever happens happens.' THAT is when you strike GOLD!!

emawkc said...

You mention Lord of the Rings as your favorite book. Tolkien was a devout Catholic. What elements of his novel might be traced to a Catholic worldview? Use examples from the text to support your answer.

Xavier Onassis said...

emaw - I would simply refer you to the handful of books I plucked off my Tolkien shelf:

"Tolkien: A Look Behind The Lord Of The Rings (A Delieghtful In-Depth Exploration of Tolkien's Classic Triliogy)" by Lin Carter.

"J.R.R. Tolkien, Architect of Middle Earth" by Daniel Grotta-Kurska.

"A Guide o Middle Earth" by Robert Foster.

"J.R.R. Tolkien (Writers For the 70's)" bt Robley Evans

and

"Understanding Tolkien and The Lord of The Rings" by William Ready.