Friday, June 15, 2007

I'm The Decider!

No, this isn't another tired, lame rant about how much Dubya sucks ass (which he does).

This is about my favorite subject.


I just became The Decider. The decider of what you can watch on TV.

I got a thing in the mail the other day giving me a heads up that someone from the Nielsen TV ratings folks would be contacting me soon.

Yeah, whatever. I wasn't even sure they actually existed. I figured somebody just made that shit up. Seriously. Do YOU know any "Nielsen Families"?

Well, you do now! They called tonight and I let them enlist me.

After asking me a bunch of demographic questions, determining what sort of programs "we" watched, how many TVs "we" have, they let me know that they will be sending "us" a diary for each TV! Anytime somebody watches something on one of the TVs we are supposed to log it in the diary and send it in (postage pre-paid) once a week. Even if we don't watch anything at all on that TV, we should log it and send it in.

OK. I live alone, but I have 4 TVs. My daughter visits every other week and I have no idea what she watches in her room. My GF comes over sometimes. We watch rented movies. Other than that, I don't watch TV at all or I just flip around until something looks good. I have no viewing "habits".

No fucking way I'm going to go around and fill out 4 fucking diaries every day or every week just to say "nobody watched this TV" and make sure it gets mailed back in a timely manner.

And WTF is up with pencil, paper and snail mail?!? Can't you just download a cookie or a virus over my cable connection and monitor what I watch in real time?

I have an idea.

How about if when I watch something I really like I use my hands to paint a picture of it on the nearest cave wall? Or, if you want to go all "high-tech", I could scratch it out on a clay tablet with my sharp stick.

If I bother to participate at all, I'll be fucking with them.

6:30am - Local NBC news
7:00am - Weather Channel

5:30pm - NBC News with Brian Williams
6:00pm - Preggo Afro Ho's
8:00pm - The 700 Club
9:00pm - Asian Midget Hitchhiking Grannies
10:00pm - Cspan2 - House Appropriations Committee debate on highway infrastructure funding
11:00pm - Jerry Springer Uncensored: Emaciated Slutty Crack Whores and their angry, bitter, trailer-trash families!
12:00am - Our Lady of Holy Grace midnight mass.

This could be fun!


Spyder said...

You can't be any worse than people who have done it previously. I mean damn look at all the crap that's on TV. PLEASE don't put Nancy Grace! Or any Fox programs! Do put Miami Ink! Love that show. Also any HGTV, or DIY would be ok.

crse said...

I LIVE to be a nielsen family. It is one of my top dreams in life to get those damn diaries. You have no idea. I would fill up all the diaries whether I watched shows or not. I would shamelessly lie and promote the programs I watched and if there were comment sections, you bet your sweet ass Id offer every opinion I ever had about tv programming. I hesitated before even mentioning this because I did not want to put the suggestion in your head if your viewing habits conflict with mine. XO, before you squander this opportunity PLEASE remember that with great power comes great responsibility. If you can't handle it, PLEASE let someone who can (e.g. me) step in. Ill be waiting for your call.

Webmiztris said...

I don't watch a whole lot of TV either...mostly movies, but I think it would be funny to fill the card in with all porn titles....lmfao

Red7Eric said...

I channel surf too much to be a Nielsen family ...

travelingal said...

You're about as ornery as they get. No wonder I have to pay for channels like all the QVC channels and crap like that...

Just leave my bridezilla channel alone!

Xavier Onassis said...

Actually, given crse's unbridled enthusiasm, I'm seriously considering just mailing my diaries to her and letting her fill them out. She can mail them back to me so I can send them in from the proper zip code.

That will really fuck them up to find out that I regularly watch programs that are A) not aimed at my demographic; and, more importantly, B) not even available from my cable company!


satyavati said...

I watch a lot more TV than I did previously.

Here's the list of shows I watch. These are the ONLY shows I watch regularly, as a matter of fact.

SpongeBob SquarePants
The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron
The Fairly OddParents
Deadliest Catch

This is the 'occasionally' list:

How It's Made
Extreme Machines
Extreme Engineering
Ancient History
Paleoworld (used to be my favourite show until they started running it at odd times)

That's all I need.