Monday, September 10, 2007

WAIT! There's MORE! But Only If You Act NOW...

Okay. It's official. I'm moving. Gave my sweetest, most best lanlady in the world my official 30 days notice today. I'll be vacating these digs by October 15.
I have picked the weekend of September 22-23 to have my big Moving Sale. I have dining room furniture, office furniture, gourmet quality kitchen appliances, books, clothes (be cool! dress just like XO!), dishes, excess electronics, lawn care tools, giant vibrating dildos (just seeing if you are paying attention), and lace doilies.

I haven't even placed an ad for the garage sale yet. I am going to give my blog buddies first dibs on everything.

Some of the big stuff (the appliances, furniture, lawn care combos, etc) I will post pictures, pricing and descriptions of on my blog.

Such as, THIS DESK.

Every single Hip Suburban White Guy post, over 450 of them (each and every one an exquisitely crafted literary gem) has been composed and published at THIS DESK.

This is a piece of History! Genuine Americana!

Owning this desk would be like owning Hemmingway's desk!

OK, well, maybe not Ernest Hemmingway's desk.

More like Murray Hemmingway. That loser wannabe down in South Coffeyville, OK who can't even sell a want ad to the local newspaper.

But still, it's a nice fucking desk! It's cherry, six feet wide, three feet deep, 4 pedastal drawers, 2 file drawers, a tummy drawer, locks, brass fixtures, an impressive "presence" and a nice, well loved, antiqued patina.

If you are searching for that classic Ward Cleaver desk to put in your paneled den from which to lecture your children on the evils of Rock 'n Roll and the virtues of Free Market Capitalism, LOOK NO MORE! This is the desk for you! I'll let it go for $200.00.

For some of the smaller, more general stuff (books, NASA memerobiglia and souveniers, trinkets) I'm willing to schedule appointments for you to come by and take your pick of the litter.

This is just a drop in the bucket. It doesn't begin to describe the video tapes, books (some are 1st Editions), mugs, shot glasses, photos, piggy banks and other treasures.

Here's how it works...

Email me and let me know what items you are interested in and what day and time you want to come by and browse. I'll do my best to accomodate you. I'll email you back with the specifics regarding address, directions, contact numbers, additional information on specific items, whatever you need.

I may even be willing to part with this:

That's right. An actual, legal badge that requires and compels any woman, anywhere, to whip out "the girls" for your personal inspection. Guaranteed to work 100% of the time on every single woman in the world. I'll consider letting this treasure go for no less than One Million Dollars. Cash only, includes "credentials" in an easy-flip-open CSI/Dragnet type leather case.

If you can prove that you really are TKC and living in your mom's basement, I might let it go for $1000.00 (pity discount).

Out of your price range?

How about a Star Trek: TOS Geek Box?

Includes two phasers, a Tricorder, a Communicator, a scale model of the Enterprise and Galileo on a base that, with a push of the button, plays "Space. The Final Frontier, etc." And a gift box. What? $200.00 obo?

I AM Geek Central. I'm the 40 Year Old Virgin. Except without the virgin part...just the nerd part...amazingly enough.

You want it, I got it, come 'n get it!

Pony up, bitch!


Spyder said...

Variable speed on the dildos? How big? How used are they? You sure you want to part with them? LOL

Congrats on the move! Need help?

Xavier Onassis said...

Spyder - they are all "gently used" and "medium sized".

Except for that one. OMG.


travel said...

Getting rid of your lace doilies? Pardon me while I just don't seem like the doilie sort. Buttttt...if you have any crocheted pansy flower ones, let me know.

"The D" said...

Can I start a payment plan for the Breast inspector badge?

crse said...

Ok if you threw in a "mustache rides for a quarter" t-shirt, Id probably drive to kansas for that! Happy moving buddy!

Capt. Geoffrey Spaulding said...

A "moving sale?"

Should people bring their own Kleenex?

Dig the badge XO!

I have a "lickher" license- would the badge be compatible with that?

Expiring minds want to know... bfg


Stinkbait Boucher said...

My lovely personality aside - I do love that desk.

Don't lose the desk man. I parted ways with a big old, heavy, wooden son-of-a-bitch in 1983 and I still feel remorse and shame.

The only things that I ever wrote that were worth reading were typed on a manual typewriter under an incandescent bulb on that desk...

You and your desk should work through this.

Xavier Onassis said...

stink - maybe I could dump the dresser and mirror. Put my socks and underwear in the desk drawers. Use the web-cam and monitor in lieu of a mirror whilst getting dressed in the morning (while charging a subscribtion fee for access thereto).

It could work!

Joe said...

I'm lovin the badge. If d rules doesn't cough up the dough, give me a shout out.