Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Sushi


Trelvix, that world travelling bon vivant and raconteur (not that there's any thing wrong with that) over at "And Then I Said" had a post today about his distaste for sushi.

I commented on his site, but as so often happens with a verbose bastard like me, it turned into a virtual post of it's own which I now proudly present it here with eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against me.

"I tried sushi once. In Hawaii where it is presumably fresh, clean and prepared by people who know what the fuck they are doing. I just can't trust sushi prepared by FFA cow-milkers in Missouri where we are about as geographically distant from an ocean as it is possible to be.


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The Hawaiian sushi didn't ENTIRELY suck homeless-bum-ass.



Most of the flavor seemed to be in the dippin' sauce. Sorry. I guess it's called "wasabi". It's fucking horseradish, OK?

And it dawned on me. That's the secret! That's the hype! You know that you are eating dead, raw fish. So you rightfully expect it to taste like a three day old floating catfish.



But because it's really fresh, wrapped in rice and other stuff and dipped in really hot horseradish, you can't taste the dead fishy-part.

So it's not that sushi tastes "good", by any means. It's because it doesn't taste nearly as gut-wrenchingly, putrid-bloated-flood-fishy and maggoty as you expect "bait" to taste.

So your reaction is "Hey! That wasn't so bad!"

That, my friends, is the mystique of the sushi craze.

Their marketing slogan should be "It doesn't taste like ass!" or even "You could eat leperosy rolled in shit if it was dipped in wasabe!"




27 comments:

Satyavati devi dasi said...

Okay.

I've had sushi once many, many years ago at a hideously expensive Japanese restaurant whilst being wined, dined and seduced.. but that's besides the point.

OK, so sushi's not bad. They make it look absolutely gorgeous. Presentation is like everything.

But here's a question: what's so horrible about dead raw fish versus dead cooked fish? I mean, seriously, have you looked at a Mrs. Pauls fish thing lately? There is no fish on the planet in that shape, and that just ain't natural. Or how about that McD's Filet-O-Fish? Is that even fish?

Dead's dead whether you cook it or not. How do you know how dead it was when they cooked it before they froze it? It could have been dead five weeks and you wouldn't know because they stamped it into some generic shape, batter dipped it and fried it in trans fatty acids.

So I guess if I had to choose, which I don't cause I don't eat none o that anymore, I'd go with the sushi, which at least I can identify by species and still resembles an actual denizen of the deeps, versus something that they won't even identify on the label (most processed fish in the US is cod, but that don't mean nothin either) and that's machined into some weird shape and camoflaged beyond recognition?

I mean seriously. And either way, you don't want to go this route at someplace like Cletus' Clam And Bait Shack... or Alice's Restaurant, for that matter.

Xavier Onassis said...

satyavati - "what's so horrible about dead raw fish versus dead cooked fish?"

That's easy! It's "raw vs. cooked". I don't care about dead. I just want it cooked.

That's why we discovered how to make fire...so we wouldn't have to eat raw food anymore.

Everything we eat is dead.

Even fruits, vegetables, grains, whatever.

If they aren't dead, do they silently scream as we chew them up and swallow them?

If God didn't want us to eat animals, she shouldn't have made them out of MEAT! LOL!

"The D" said...

XO excellent post - here are my thoughts or thought:

1. Sushi taste like freshly fucked pussy. And everybody (that has ever pleased a woman) knows that you eat the pussy BEFORE you fuck it.

2. I shot my wad, that's all I have.

Joe said...

I don't eat bait so I can't comment on the taste of sushi

Trelvix said...

Well, "The D." took my comment so I feel a little exposed here. I'll do what I can though.

First off - I guess I thought I'd made it clear that I didn't want anyone showing that clip of me jumping around as Golem (sp?) in my backyard-underwear days. I feel betrayed!

Poodles said...

I don't eat fish, I'm straight.

Anonymous said...

Raw fish have parasites. Unless you want to take the chance of swallowing a tapeworm that can grow to several feet in your itty bitty tummy, I suggest you read up on what you're eating before you eat it. Tapeworms though are probably among the best of the worst parasites one could consume as part of their delectable sushi cuisine. If you must eat it, eat it with tons of salt and enough horseradish to burn the parasites to death whilst in route down your digestive tract.

Yummmmmmmmm

Lunatic Biker said...

XO - The only way I can compliment the hilarity of this post is to say I'm going to link to it and print it off for my Mrs in case she missed the link. I like a guy who uses verbose in a sentence. I also salute The D for his description of sushi.

crse said...

I think the thing I like about the cooked is that you arent so closely linked to the decomp process as the cooking slows it down. For a while. I find that reassuring. I cannot speak on freshly fucked pussy as i dont believe ive ever tried it although being paranoid about cleanliness in that area i am discouraging about revisiting the scene of the crime afterwards. Well with your mouth anyway. I mean go ahead and feel free to re-offend with non-face related parts.

After that TMI I will tell you Im a convert to the wasabi hypothesis. We ordered fried green beans (CAN I SAY BRILLIANT IDEA?) with wasabi and they were truly delicious. Because of the wasabi. And the frying. And the lack of decomposing sea life.

FletcherDodge said...

XO Said: "Everything we eat is dead."

That, my friend, is where you're missing out. As far as I'm concerned, if you've never eaten the head off of a life bat, then you haven't eaten.

And there's nothing like sinking your teeth into the steaming liver sliced from a still-breathing buffalo. My friend you'll think you died and gone to heaven.

And, while society tends to frown upon this kind of thing, I've never had anything more tasty than the fried brain of Ray Liotta (served with some fava beans and a fine Chianti, ththptppt.)

Faith said...

I'm apparently the only sushi fan that reads this blog. :(

I don't have any tapeworms, either. Shocking!

(And don't say, "...that you know of." Because seriously, if I had any? I wouldn't be fat. And healthy. And all that good junk.)

The goodness of sushi is in the eye of the beholder, I suppose. I eat it at least once a week, and I like it! Goddammit...

Chimpotle said...

You can only get a parasite such as a tapeworm by eating actual shit. The parasites would live in your digestive system, so why would they live somewhere else in the animal you are eating?

Not eating crap = Not having a tapeworm

Nightmare said...

I fucking eat sushi...you pansies! What happens when the apocalypse comes down and that is all you have? Smegiel has it right!

Trelvix said...

I wish I'd get a fucking tapeworm. I'd give the little son-of-a-bitch an ass hammock and its own closet.

I could stand to drop a few pounds is what I'm getting at I guess....

Xavier Onassis said...

poodles - you just haven't met the right woman yet.

crse - "I cannot speak on freshly fucked pussy as i dont believe ive ever tried it" You "don't believe" you've ever tried it? That implies a certain degree of ambiguity.

emaw - you are one sick brain munchin' puppy!

nightmare and faith - based on D's description, I'd recommend liberal applications of Listerine.

Faith said...

Ok, let's clear up that little misperception as well. Ones mouth does not smell after one has finished eating sushi. Maybe it smells a bit like soy sauce, if you like that stuff as mucha s I do, but whatever.

As for the opinion D has of sushi tasting exactly like freshly fucked pussy, well, I don't know where he had it, but he DEFINITELY shouldn't go back. Sushi tastes like raw fish. Raw fish tastes like the ocean. The oceans I've been lucky enough to get in throughout my life taste nothing like pussy or fucked pussy or anything of the kind. They taste like salt water. And sand, because, well, duh.

Anyway, sushi is good for some and not for others. Got it. (And yeah...emaw is disturbing sometimes. I find it interesting to see what brings it out of him when he gets like this, don't you?)

Anonymous said...

I think I now realize why I like hot dogs instead of tacos.......

Satyavati devi dasi said...

And as you know, hotdogs, like spam, are made from the bits they don't know what else to do with.. my guess would be after they were done cutting up the animal, boiling the bones for gelatin and scraping off everything else for dog food, about all they're left with is lips and assholes.

You can just call it Sabrett's or Spam if it makes you feel better though.

And I'd still rather eat sushi than some square unidentifiable thing they call fish. I'm surprised they don't call it 'processed fish food' like they do American cheese.

Eolaí gan Fhéile said...

I'm hungry,

Anonymous said...

Hey satyavati sweetie, You missed the joke ! LOL

GB, RN said...

Hot dogs are made from lips and assholes. Everyone knows this.

Count me in on the sushi love wagon. Nothing better than a Vegas roll!

I don't know about the va-jay-jay correlation to taste. I've never sampled such a thing (and I don't ever plan on it). However, I've had my face close enough to a woman's bootwagga (doing various medical thingies) to know what if my sushi were to smell anything like that, I would swear off fish for the remainder of my days. If it were to smell that bad, I can only imagine the taste. Granted, I take care of a lot of people who's genitals haven't seen soap since they were an infant.

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