In just the last few days, I have serendipitously reconnected with an old girlfriend and my first wife.
So I decided it was time to post The Final "Disasters in Dating" chapter.
RECAP - As previously recounted in Parts 1 and 2, I had some rather ignoble dating experiences immediately following my divorce. The previous chapters focused on some of the "unique and interesting" women I encountered in my early dating experiences..
But, as a wise man once said, the only common thread in all of your failed relationships is YOU!
So this chapter's Featured Loser is me.
There really isn't any gentle way of putting this...
After my divorce I became a Man Whore. A "mangina", if you will.
Actually, I was probably more like Fred Garvin.
I dated A LOT! I joined Match.com and KCSingles.
The KC Singles web site hosted local events at places like The Guacamole Grill, Funky Town and Touche's. I would be at EVERY event and would squeeze in dates with women I met at the events between the events.
I wasn't just burning the candle at both ends, I was hurling boxes of candles into military grade flame throwers.
I was always honest (at least as well as I understood the concept of honesty at the time). I emphasized the fact that I was just recently divorced and wasn't looking for anything serious or long term. The women I met were in a similar situation, seemed to appreciate my honesty and mutual good times ensued.
Almost every woman that I dated during this period is still a very dear friend. Some are my very best friends! So I must not have been too much of an asshole.
But there came a time when I started to think that maybe...just MAYBE...I might be ready to slow down and actually experiment with meaningful relationships again. NO COMMITMENT! But I might consider nibbling around the edges of something vaguely resembling a commitment.
I found a woman who shared my interest in photography and we had an absolutely wonderful relationship!
For about 90 days.
My longest "relationship" in the previous 18 months. I'm still not sure why I got bored and stopped returning her calls and emails promptly. But I did. I was such a dick. I know this because she told me so.
One of my female online confidants learned of my latest break up and asked "So, is it my turn?"
I asked "Do you want it to be?" She did.
We dated for a month. She was my "hooker-on-a-leash" at the KC Ski Clubs "Hookers and Hell Raisers" ball that February.
Then a blast from my past reappeared. [fade to flashback as calender pages are whipped backwards in time...]
I had met her at a Halloween party the year before. She was dating the host of the Halloween party. I didn't know that he was a dick and was treating her like shit. All I knew at the time was that when we made eye contact for the first time, there were definite sparks. Instant chemistry.
Later that night, we were on a tractor-pulled hay ride. A freezing, cold, miserable hay ride! Luckily, I was wearing my rather heavy and substantial hooded cape.
Yeah, I know, I'm a fucking geek! So what?
She was freezing in her very revealing and low-cut vampire costume.
I offered, in a very gallant and chivalrous fashion, to share my cape. She accepted. We huddled under my cape, platonically sharing bodily warmth until the Hay Ride From Hell was over.
Fast forward four months...she contacts me and lets me know that she is no longer seeing the host of the party.
We quickly establish that the spark I percieved at the party was very real.
In short order, I break up with the woman I had been seeing for the past month and try to make things work with the woman that I felt like I had a real connection with.
I fell in love! She was incredible!
About a month later, I made the mistake of responding to an "innocent" chat request from a woman who didn't even have a singles profile posted. She just happened to be online at the same time I was. I wasn't looking for anything. I was just chatting.
Yes, in retrospect, I realize how completely bogus and lame that sounds!
After a few exchanges, she convinces me that we are "soul-mates". The fact that she is drop-dead gorgeous, filthy rich and red-hot skew my judgment. She claims to be an attorney and the VP of a local bank. A young, hot widow with a huge inheritance, a vacation home in Colorado and access to VIP tickets to all sorts of sold-out events.
I make one of the biggest mistakes of my life by falling for that bullshit and breaking up with the Halloween woman and committing to the "soul-mate-filthy-rich-hot-chick".
That lasted about a month and then it was over. Turns out, she was an absolute PSYCHO BITCH!
Not me! I was completely sane! No problems here! LOL!
I have no idea how much of what she told me was even true. But then again, it's not like I was the most emotionally stable person..ya know?
At least she paid for the hotel room.
I tried to go back and patch things up with Halloween woman. But get this...she thought I might have commitment issues! WTF? Where could she possibly get the idea that I might not be someone that she would want to make a life-long commitment to?
I was despondant! I decide that I may as well streamline the whole dating process and just start calling up women at random out of the phone book and break up with them.
"Hi. You don't know me, but my name is Xavier Onassis and I don't think we should see each other anymore. It isn't you...it's me! I know this will come as quite a shock. But time will heal all wounds and you will find someone who will be right for you. Let's stay friends, Okay?"
At this point, I am in total meltdown. I don't know what the fuck I want.
I see a singles ad for a woman who is a petite red-head, cute as a button and whose status is listed as "separated".
I think "BRILIANT"! She is obviously honest about her status and she can't possibly be looking for anything permanent because there is NO WAY that she would be ready for any sort of commitment!
I can get her through this "trying time", she can become disillusioned and dump me, and I can move on to whatever fucked-up pseudo-relationship awaits me next.
It is a relationship doomed to failure! PERFECT! That's what I do!
Three and a half years later, we are still in love, we couldn't be happier and the future is bright.
What. The. Fuck?
Which only reinforces my theory that you never find love by looking for it. Love finds you in it's own good time, whether you are ready for it or not. It is generally only after you give up looking and decide you are happy just as you are that someone pops up out of nowhere and completely knocks your socks off.
I'm feeling much better now!
Thanks for asking!