Monday, November 19, 2007

Disaters In Dating Part 3

In just the last few days, I have serendipitously reconnected with an old girlfriend and my first wife.

So I decided it was time to post The Final "Disasters in Dating" chapter.

RECAP - As previously recounted in Parts 1 and 2, I had some rather ignoble dating experiences immediately following my divorce. The previous chapters focused on some of the "unique and interesting" women I encountered in my early dating experiences..

But, as a wise man once said, the only common thread in all of your failed relationships is YOU!

So this chapter's Featured Loser is me.

There really isn't any gentle way of putting this...

After my divorce I became a Man Whore. A "mangina", if you will.

Actually, I was probably more like Fred Garvin.

I dated A LOT! I joined and KCSingles.

The KC Singles web site hosted local events at places like The Guacamole Grill, Funky Town and Touche's. I would be at EVERY event and would squeeze in dates with women I met at the events between the events.

I wasn't just burning the candle at both ends, I was hurling boxes of candles into military grade flame throwers.

I was always honest (at least as well as I understood the concept of honesty at the time). I emphasized the fact that I was just recently divorced and wasn't looking for anything serious or long term. The women I met were in a similar situation, seemed to appreciate my honesty and mutual good times ensued.

Almost every woman that I dated during this period is still a very dear friend. Some are my very best friends! So I must not have been too much of an asshole.

But there came a time when I started to think that maybe...just MAYBE...I might be ready to slow down and actually experiment with meaningful relationships again. NO COMMITMENT! But I might consider nibbling around the edges of something vaguely resembling a commitment.

I found a woman who shared my interest in photography and we had an absolutely wonderful relationship!

For about 90 days.

My longest "relationship" in the previous 18 months. I'm still not sure why I got bored and stopped returning her calls and emails promptly. But I did. I was such a dick. I know this because she told me so.

One of my female online confidants learned of my latest break up and asked "So, is it my turn?"

I asked "Do you want it to be?" She did.

We dated for a month. She was my "hooker-on-a-leash" at the KC Ski Clubs "Hookers and Hell Raisers" ball that February.

Then a blast from my past reappeared. [fade to flashback as calender pages are whipped backwards in time...]

I had met her at a Halloween party the year before. She was dating the host of the Halloween party. I didn't know that he was a dick and was treating her like shit. All I knew at the time was that when we made eye contact for the first time, there were definite sparks. Instant chemistry.

Later that night, we were on a tractor-pulled hay ride. A freezing, cold, miserable hay ride! Luckily, I was wearing my rather heavy and substantial hooded cape.

Yeah, I know, I'm a fucking geek! So what?

She was freezing in her very revealing and low-cut vampire costume.

I offered, in a very gallant and chivalrous fashion, to share my cape. She accepted. We huddled under my cape, platonically sharing bodily warmth until the Hay Ride From Hell was over.

Fast forward four months...she contacts me and lets me know that she is no longer seeing the host of the party.

We quickly establish that the spark I percieved at the party was very real.

In short order, I break up with the woman I had been seeing for the past month and try to make things work with the woman that I felt like I had a real connection with.

I fell in love! She was incredible!

About a month later, I made the mistake of responding to an "innocent" chat request from a woman who didn't even have a singles profile posted. She just happened to be online at the same time I was. I wasn't looking for anything. I was just chatting.

Yes, in retrospect, I realize how completely bogus and lame that sounds!

After a few exchanges, she convinces me that we are "soul-mates". The fact that she is drop-dead gorgeous, filthy rich and red-hot skew my judgment. She claims to be an attorney and the VP of a local bank. A young, hot widow with a huge inheritance, a vacation home in Colorado and access to VIP tickets to all sorts of sold-out events.

I make one of the biggest mistakes of my life by falling for that bullshit and breaking up with the Halloween woman and committing to the "soul-mate-filthy-rich-hot-chick".

That lasted about a month and then it was over. Turns out, she was an absolute PSYCHO BITCH!

Not me! I was completely sane! No problems here! LOL!

I have no idea how much of what she told me was even true. But then again, it's not like I was the most emotionally stable person..ya know?

At least she paid for the hotel room.

I tried to go back and patch things up with Halloween woman. But get this...she thought I might have commitment issues! WTF? Where could she possibly get the idea that I might not be someone that she would want to make a life-long commitment to?

I was despondant! I decide that I may as well streamline the whole dating process and just start calling up women at random out of the phone book and break up with them.

"Hi. You don't know me, but my name is Xavier Onassis and I don't think we should see each other anymore. It isn't's me! I know this will come as quite a shock. But time will heal all wounds and you will find someone who will be right for you. Let's stay friends, Okay?"

At this point, I am in total meltdown. I don't know what the fuck I want.

I see a singles ad for a woman who is a petite red-head, cute as a button and whose status is listed as "separated".

I think "BRILIANT"! She is obviously honest about her status and she can't possibly be looking for anything permanent because there is NO WAY that she would be ready for any sort of commitment!

I can get her through this "trying time", she can become disillusioned and dump me, and I can move on to whatever fucked-up pseudo-relationship awaits me next.

It is a relationship doomed to failure! PERFECT! That's what I do!

Three and a half years later, we are still in love, we couldn't be happier and the future is bright.

What. The. Fuck?

Which only reinforces my theory that you never find love by looking for it. Love finds you in it's own good time, whether you are ready for it or not. It is generally only after you give up looking and decide you are happy just as you are that someone pops up out of nowhere and completely knocks your socks off.

I'm feeling much better now!

Thanks for asking!


Stinkbait Boucher said...

I loved this story in spite of the fact that the ending may have just made me gay.

Well, that and the sword...

"The D" said...

I agree you never find "love" when you are out looking for it. It will find you. And by "love" I mean some, BOW-CHICA-BOW-WOW, action.

Love is not an emotion it's a decision. It's just a matter of finding someone that does not annoy the crap out of you for the rest of you life.

Congrats on finding yours.

I unfortunately have not found such a person.

Spyder said...

Great story! Having met your GF I can see why you rub her feet. Besides being hot she is very nice & fun to hang with. I went through pretty much the same thing after my divorce, but no internet dating. 22 years of marriage now. When you find the right one it does work.

Stinkbait Boucher said...

I am happy for the two of you by the way - just a little pissed that I don't know how to write happy endings!

travelingal said...

Saw the pic of the two of you at the Halloween party on somebody's website. Looks like a match!

When I met my husband, I had given up on men, given notice on my job and apartment and I was planning on moving to San Francisco. Four months later I was married and living in Kansas.

I didn't like Kansas. I've never liked Kansas. I still live in Kansas.

Life is strange.

meesha.v said...

Cool story. Some day I will write one of these. With the Russian accent of course.

Ambitious Fledgling said...

Awwww what a sweet story! Maybe I should quit looking. I'm going to forward this post to a friend of mine. lol

Lee said...

I also agree. I taunted love by refusing to look for it for two years. Then BAM! Ka-ray-zee stuff.

Faith said...

Ok, after reading a longer post, I can say for sure that your black background and white font hurt my eyes just as much as Heather's and The D's do. In case you were wondering. :) (Apparently, it just took a longer post to help me realize it.)

And I also didn't get the benefit of being able to see the photos in this post to help with the telling of the story. I wonder why they won't show up for me???

Fun story, though. Aren't psycho-bitches neato?

Josssshua said...

Awww, this was a really sweet story :)

*sniff sniff*, I almost e-teared up. Almost!

Anonymous said...

fix the photo links puhlease

American Hell said...

I'm exhausted after that, and I've only been on the couch.

It's a pity about the happy ending though - kinda ruins a great story.

Joe said...

I found love while looking for it on So, I've gotta disagree with you X, or maybe I was just very lucky.
Oh, and I too am missing the pics.

Xavier Onassis said...

american hell - Only in Ireland and Russia does a happy ending ruin a great story. Watch for the version meesha will right. I'm sure it will end more to your liking.

joe - I found love on only after I gave up on finding it. It's attitude, not location.

Sorry about the pics, folks. It looked fine when I previewed it and after I published it. I think I fixed it. Let me know if you still have troubles.