"KCians take their barbecue seriously. There is a place downtown, Arthur Bryant’s I think, that is supposedly the cat’s meow for barbecue but for us civilized city folk it is disgusting. It is a tiny place that looks filthy on the outside and rest assured it is even grosser inside. Meet hangs on racks in what must be unsanitary conditions. A sandwich will be made in front of you: the cook(?) will grab 2 slices of Wonder, yes Wonder bread, and with a paintbrush apply enough sauce to guarantee the bread is soup by the time it is in your fingers. Large slabs of meat will then be applied.
A friend of mine, a 300 pound New Orleansian that would willingly eat the ass end of a menstruating skunk when hungry, went with me and was as scared for his intestinal track as I was."
O.K. Let's set this shit straight RIGHT NOW!
Of course the meat hangs on racks. What do you want them to do? Stack it on the floor like a cord of firewood? Hanging it on racks is VERY sanitary. The hickory smoke keeps the flies away.
Goddamn city folk.
As for it being "disgusting" inside, I got news for you. That ain't grease...that's "seasoning". That's ambiance. That's atmosphere. Bryant's is the best!
But if you are too much of a pussy to enjoy BBQ the way God intended, then I'll just send you to Gates. It's the second best BBQ in town.
But when you walk in that goddamn door you better know what the fuck you want because they start yelling "HI, MAY I HEP YOU?" as soon as they see your brake lights go on.
Don't you make them ask you twice!
Every other BBQ joint in town is tied for last place. The only people who think otherwise are from Johnson County, Ks. More on those fucktards later.
In preparation for her move, Keri is asking for the following input.
"Couple more favors to all the crooners out there in the KC area, as the Lounge is getting set up, and I continue to search for new and interesting ways to make my life complicated --
1. I'm hearing, and by hearing I mean reading a lot about KansasCity Soil as a great blog. Apparently I'm not invited to read it -- can anyone hook a sista up?
2. What 10 things should I know about KC before I land my sorry ass down there for good?
3. What 10 things should I not know about KC before I land my sorry ass down there for good?
4. What's the dating scene like?"
O.K. Let's address Kansas City Soil first. The blogger is Joe Miller.
At least he used to be a blogger. And an author of a book that won some award. I didn't read it. Sounded boring. Then he went to work for Mark Funkhouser's campaign.
After the election he became the Mayor's new Communication Director. Then he got demoted or something and nobody knows what the fuck he's doing at City Hall now. That's why he took his blog private. He's all hunkered down in the bowels of Orthanc like the rest of Saruman's Uruk Hai.
For more info, go to Tony's Kansas City, scroll down until you see the search bar and just type in "joe miller". They have a "history".
That leaves the 10 things you SHOULD know and the 10 things you SHOULDN'T know. And the dating thing.
In no particular order or priority...
TEN THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BEFORE MOVING TO KANSAS CITY
1. The Chiefs suck, but the Royals suck more.
2. I-435 loops around the entire Metro area and straddles both states. You can get on it in Missouri going north, stay on it until you start going west, cross into Kansas and keep going until you are heading south, eventually turn back west, cross back into Missouri and be headed north again. Get used to it. If someone gives you directions that start with "get on I-435" that's not enough information.
3. If you find yourself donwtown or on the Plaaaaza, and some fat, waddling fucker in a baseball cap walks up and asks you for a "down payment on a cheese burger", kick that fucker in the junk as hard as you can. That's Jerry Mazer and he has been using that tired ass shit for the past 35 years. Rumor has it he isn't homeless, makes about $30k a year panhandling and once had the means and the audacity to sue the City for his (and others) right to beg on the streets for a living. And he won. One look at him and you can tell that he hasn't had any problem whatsoever finding cheeseburgers. Doubles. With bacon.
4. Best places to live are in a loft downtown, a cool, hipster neighborhood like Westport or Strawberry Hill, suburbs like Liberty, Blues Springs, Lee's Summit, North Kansas City.
5. Everything about Johnson County, KS sucks syphlitic donkey ass! It's full of pretentious, affluent, Republican, conservative, douche nozzles. Except for the people in Johnson County that I know and like. You know who you are.
6. People in Johnson County drive like fucking assholes! Doesn't matter if the roads are covered with an inch of ice and we are in white-out, antarctic blizzard conditions, these cock sucking door knobs will be hurling their 2 ton SUVs right up your ass at 80 mph. Because they don't give a fuck! That's why all of the "multi car pile ups" that the HWP blame on people "driving too fast for the road conditions" all occur in KANSAS. IDIOTS!
7. If you ever have children, move as far away from Kansas and Kansas City, Mo as you can. The Kansas schools don't teach evolution. They teach "Intelligent Design". Also known as "Blind Stupid Faith In Fairy Tales". Graduates from Kansas Schools are laughed at and made fun of by graduates from real schools. Anyone who graduates from a Kansas school will be lucky to get a job asking people "do you want fries with that?" The Kansas City, MO public schools are even worse. They don't teach anybody anything. Except shanking.
8. We have the worst fucking zoo. Seriously.
9. Brush Creek becomes Flush Creek after a heavy storm.
10. Knuckleheads Saloon is the best place to go for live music.
Actually, I think I may have combined some of the SHOULD and SHOULDN'T in the same list. Sometimes it's hard to separate the two.
But I need to go eat supper, so I will leave it to my blog-buddies to fill in the gaps.
What did I miss? Help our newest blogger out.