Thursday, February 21, 2008

Shit. What are the odds?

I just needed to make a quick run to the grocery store to pick up a few items.

I go, I get and I head for the express lane.

Who pulls up in the Express Lane right behind me?

Jackson County Executive and former Prosecutor Mike "Baby Face" Sanders.


The guy looks like he's 12 years old playing grown up in one of his dad's suits.

He also looks a bit like this guy.



I don't know why it bothered me. I don't have any outstanding warrants or anything. I just like to keep as much distance as possible between me and people in authority. It's an old survival skill that's hard to shake.

I tried to keep my back to him as much as possible. I don't think that anyone would ever recognize the "real me" based on the picture from my blog (which I'm sure he reads daily). But why take a chance?

I glanced in his basket (no homo). Couple of gallons of milk, a brisket, a tomato and some chocolate syrup.

WTF?

I looked in my own basket. A pack of razors, some dryer sheets and some low fat non-dairy creamer.

Made me wish I'd had something more interesting. I mean, I had the former Prosecutor and current highest ranking person in the county in line behind me.

If I had known this would happen I could have planned ahead. I could have had a basket full of interesting stuff:

Roll of duct tape
Some clothesline
Bottle of Vodka
Some grape Kool Aid mix and a pack of crazy, curly, sippy straws
A bottle of KY "Personal Lubricant"
A box of discounted Valentines Day chocolate
A pack of green army men
Some condoms. Magnums, of course.
Some coloring books and crayons
Some comic books
A stocking mask and a pair of gloves


Just to see if he was paying attention.

I doubt that he would have noticed as he was yapping on his cell phone. Always hungry for blog fodder, I tried to eavesdrop.

"Well, that's all I had. I just wanted to remind you. I understand. Well, that was what we agreed to. We're looking at opening that back up again. I'm sure you would be given full consideration. I understand. You know, the folks down at the jail are really doing a great job! Five dollar copay."

It made no fucking sense whatsoever.

He was even behind me as we slogged through the slush to our vehicles.

Our only exchange occurred as some fucktard started backing out right in front of me, completely oblivious to my presence.

I heard Sanders say "Uh oh."

Since I wasn't in my vehicle yet and Mike Fucking Sanders was just eight feet behind me, I suppressed my road rage and simply stopped walking. The driver (some scruffy, baseball cap wearing, cigarette smoking, trailer park living, NASCAR watching, alcoholic, cock sucking door knob) finally saw me. He waved some sort of apology and I nodded some sort of acceptance.

As the potential vehicular manslaughter defendant cleared the parking lot and Howdy Doody and I headed for our cars, I heard him say "That almost got ugly".

He has no fucking idea.


I just said "Yep."

Just in case you were curious, he drives a silver Ford Escape with only one bumper sticker. Uh huh. You guessed it. One of his campaign bumper stickers.

Narcissistic bastard.

11 comments:

meesha.v said...

Since I get 99% on the radio I wouldn't be able to recognize any local celebrity, except maybe the mayor F. because TKC featured him so much.

Capt. Geoffrey Spaulding said...

LMFAO XO!!!

Great post for a lousy day.

-Groucho

Keri Oki said...

I think adding a large package of adult diapers is actually the requirement for "creepy things in a car that get you nailed and provide the bonus of 24 hour coverage by Anderson Cooper -- just a tip for next time!

Keri Oki said...

And why or why can't I get into the secret KC blog -- is it really that dark? Is it where the Illuminati have gathered? Do you have the Arc there?

mainstream said...

are you acually trying to get into KC Soil?

just go here

https://www.blogger.com/blogin.g?blogspotURL=http%3A%2F%2Fkansascitysoil.blogspot.com%2F

And enter your information.

Stinkbait Boucher said...

Mayonnaise, a condom, a pound of sand and a broken crayon. That's my basket, baby.

Spyder said...

Kanga & I know Mike. He even knows us on a first name basis, no not as Kanga & Spyder. He's a nice guy.

H-Train said...

I used to date a prosecuting attorney named Mike.

And by dating, I mean we were doing all kinds of naughty things would end up ruining his campaign if he ever decide to run for public office...plus we also went out to dinner.

Anyway, my family saw Sanders on the boob tube and assumed he was my Mike. To which I vehemently denied, and I suspect they didn't believe me. I still think they don't believe me to this very day.

Kanga said...

Mike's a good guy, and he really married up. His wife Georgia is a really lovely (not to mention hot) woman. They've had a tough time with a son with some serious health problems, so I hope that's getting better.

I try not to be blind about politicos, but I have a tough time not liking the Sanders'.

T said...

Just from personal experience, and all the effort Mr. Sander is putting into shutting down Erotic City and other gay cruising areas, if you actually had lube, condoms and some other slightly kinky items in your grocery basket, ol' Mike would have probably gotten all worked up and try to kiss and hump you right there in the check-out line. (Sorry about that huge fucking run-on sentence. My college Comp 101 teacher is proabably cursing me between spliff tokes) But I had to say it, because so many people don't know that Mr Sanders at one point in time before he had "people" telling him to watch where he goes and what he does, he was one of the biggest whores running around KC trying to kiss and suck every man he came across, no pun intended!!!!! And don't get me started on Anderson (I'm still in the closet and NOBODY knows) Cooper.

T said...

Just from personal experience, and all the effort Mr. Sander is putting into shutting down Erotic City and other gay cruising areas, if you actually had lube, condoms and some other slightly kinky items in your grocery basket, ol' Mike would have probably gotten all worked up and try to kiss and hump you right there in the check-out line. (Sorry about that huge fucking run-on sentence. My college Comp 101 teacher is proabably cursing me between spliff tokes) But I had to say it, because so many people don't know that Mr Sanders at one point in time before he had "people" telling him to watch where he goes and what he does, he was one of the biggest whores running around KC trying to kiss and suck every man he came across, no pun intended!!!!! And don't get me started on Anderson (I'm still in the closet and NOBODY knows) Cooper.