Monday, March 10, 2008

Spitzer Gets Caught With His Hand In The Coochie Jar!


GOD, doesn't the First Lady of New York look like she is just tickled fucking pink to be standing by her husband's side, giving him her complete, loving and unwavering support?

(I'd be more than happy to give her a tap of revenge sex if that would help her regain her self esteem. That's just the way I roll. I'm generous like that.)

"(CNN) -- New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer is under investigation for allegedly meeting with a prostitute in a Washington hotel, two sources with knowledge of the investigation told CNN.

Gov. Eliot Spitzer, with his wife, Silda, by his side, apologizes to his family and to the public.

One of the sources said Spitzer is identified in a criminal complaint as "Client-9," and that Spitzer's alleged involvement was caught on a federal wiretap.

The governor's statement came four days after federal prosecutors in New York announced charges against four people accused of running an international prostitution and money-laundering ring that catered to big spenders.

According to prosecutors, Emperors Club VIP charged between $1,000 and $5,500 an hour and operated in New York; Los Angeles, California; Miami, Florida; London, England; and Paris, France."

Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket! Just when you think the Blog-Guf (would that be The Bluf? Seems appropriate.) is empty the sonofabitch goes and fills right up again!

O.K., let's take care of the low hanging fruit right up front.


"I have a tiny little penis..."




"...but it is very big around!"




"Should I Spitzer swaller? Whaddaya think?"


Alrighty then. Now that the easy stuff is out of the way, onto the meat of the subject.

I love it, I mean I just absolutely fucking love it when high and mighty, holier than thou people who build a career on going after sinners and Evil-Doers get caught engaging in the exact same activities as the people they condemn and prosecute.

It's called hypocisy and I don't have any fucking patience for it. It seems to occur most with the right wing, conservative, fundamentalist types. I think I know why.

It has to do with The Principal of Inherent Contradictions. There is no link to this concept because I just made it up while I was typing it.

The Republican, right wing, conservative, fundamentalist types (hereafter referred to simply as "They" for brevity) think that humans (ugh!) are essentially evil and only by suppressing all of our base and sinful urges through the constant fear of Eternal Damnation by a Heavenly Father who is watching our Every Move and listening to our Every Thought, can we be made to walk the path of Morality and Righteousness.

They have no problem passing laws controlling who can have sex with who and what sort of sex acts consenting adults may engage in and where those sex acts can take place.

They have no problem passing laws controlling what substances a person, even a terminally ill person, can ingest for recreational or medicinal purposes.

They have no problem passing laws restricting a woman's ability to control her own reproductive system, her own internal organs, or the course of the rest of her life.

They have no problem passing laws that shove their superstitious bullshit down your children's throats by insisting that fairy tales like Intelligent Design be taught on equal footing with actual, factual, scientifically proven concepts like evolution.

They are all about restrictions, limitations and harsh penalties.

Except when it comes to guns! Because everybody should be packing serious, concealed, automatic, hollow-point heat! Machine guns, mortars, land mines, tanks, whatever the fuck you want. Napalm? You bet! The Second Amendment cannot be restricted!

Or until those inherently evil, sinful (and heavily armed) people band together to form a corporation to try and make a few billion bucks. Then they are all about stepping the fuck out of the way, shutting the fuck up and letting "the Free Market" work its magic on the pocket books of the Righteous!

Can't pass any laws restricting Big Binnis! That's just downright unAmerican!

Can't tell a Legitimate Binnis that they can't discriminate against women or minorities. They should be able to hire or fire anybody they want for any reason, pay anybody whatever they want. They have a Binnis to run, goddammit!

Can't tell a Legitimate Binnis that they have to abide by environmental restrictions that could negatively impact their bottom line. They're in Binnis to make a profit for the shareholders, not to protect migratory birds or keep the planet inhabitable for our children. That don't make no money for nobody!

Can't burden a Legitimate Binnis with doing background checks on everyone they hire to make sure they are in the country legally (even though they think everyone here illegally are a bunch of raping and murdering "mud people" who should be deported immediately by shoving a cattle prod up their ass).

This is the problem. They want to be excessively restrictive in some areas (your life, your bedroom and your reproductive cycle) while completely opening the floodgates in other areas (greedy bastards making money without any oversight or controls). This is the conflict they struggle with.

At some deep, dark, level, they have this inherently "sinful" and "evil" desire to open up the "free market floodgates" on their own sexuality that they have been unnaturally suppressing for so many years.

We've all heard the old cliche about the slutty preacher's daughter.

Duh!

Doesn't just apply to the preacher's daughter. It applies to the preacher and the preacher's flock.

You cannot just bottle up and suppress normal, natural, human urges. You need to bring them into the open and deal with them in a rational manner.

This is why we see so many Republicans self destructing.

Their entire worldview and philosophy is a fiction, it's a house of cards. It is impossible to hold all of those self-contradictory ideas in the same brain at the same time without eventually causing a stroke or a supernovagasm of pent-up, prurient, kinky, self-indulgent, long supressed sexual desire. It's gotta happen!

You can build a fantasy world and try to make yourself and everyone else live in it, or you can deal with people and the world as they actually are and find a way to live with it.

Fuck the Empty Guf.

I'm back, bitches!

23 comments:

Spyder said...

This joker is a DEM! Damn him!!!

On another note: If Kanga ever cheats on me I'll be sure to call you first for a "tap of revenge sex".

meesha.v said...

yeah, what she said! (except having sex with you part). He is a democrat.

Stinkbait Boucher said...

I loved how he came out and said that he was sorry. Because that makes all the difference.

The message is clear - if you're rich and white in America you can expect to walk away from a CRIME just by apologizing with a supportive woman on your arm.

(I don't think that this SHOULD be a crime but I'm not the crusader here - he is.)

He needs to do time with some of the "criminals" that he went after over the years. He'd be the belle of the ball(s) and it wouldn't cost him a dime!

Xavier Onassis said...

ROFLAMS! (That's Rolling On Floor Laughing At My Self!)

Well, shit. Then I subtract 75% of my snarkiness.

Ahem. (regroup)

I still stand by my Principal of Inherent Contradictions as it pertains to Republicans.

I still stand by my take on hypocrisy in general (as in the Spitzer case) regardless of party or affiliation.

I will admit that hypocrisy is not the exclusive province of the Republicans.

Goddamn! Crow don't taste so bad when you prepare it right!

Crow Pie! Yum! LOL!

Brian said...

It was totally obvious he was a Democrat as he was caught getting it on with a woman. Republicans restrict their extramarital activities to men, barnyard animals and soft fruit.

Stinkbait Boucher said...

Soft fruit! Good one.

Nightmare said...

"Machine guns, mortars, land mines, tanks, whatever the fuck you want. Napalm? You bet! The Second Amendment cannot be restricted!"

You have obviously not tried to buy a Tank lately...it seems that you can't just run right out and buy one the Gub'ment tends to frown on private citizens owning firepower that is equal to their own. Which is in direct conflict to the 2nd amendment, the reason we needed the 2nd is because our forefathers wanted to make it possible for the common man to overthrow the government when it felt the need.

They wrote that back when EVERYONE one had muskets..now only the people have muskets and those won't shoot down an Apache helicopter.

Besides, the last war fought over pussy was the Trojan War right?

Abraham said...

Splendid. Excellent post, realy helpful. Thank you!

dirtyword.net said...

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travel said...

Thanks for sharing your recipe for crow pie..

snicker

Lynn said...

I couldn't have ranted better myself. Although, I did audibly sigh when i found out he was a Democrat - I can just hear the fundies now talking about "those sinning Democrats." Like Brian said, we could tell the guy was a Dem because he wasn't caught with a boy.

Logtar said...

Hitler was Jewish!

Winston Smith said...

Like most liberals, you people only see what you want to see. Remember old governor Jersey McGreevey? He appointed his 26-year-old gay lover as director of New Jersey dept of homeland security. What about Gerry Studds? His gay lover was a 17 year old house page, and he was re-elected to house of reps 5 more times. What about child preditor Bernie Ward? What about Barney Frank? He ran a gay prostitution ring out of his apartment while a member of the US house of representatives. The list goes on and on, but no, only those bad old hypocritical republicans get mixed up in sex scandals.

Very illustrative, the mindless reflex to spew hate at republicans without even bothering to find out the party affiliation of Spitzer.

Stinkbait Boucher said...

Hey everybody! It's Winston! I hardly recognized him without Bush's dick in his mouth!

(too much?)

meesha.v said...

winston has a point.and 99% of out of the closet gays are democrats,so what's that crap about republicans only hitting on men. I personally don't care either way but always nice to see democrats squirm. I wish I could have sex for 4 hrs. I would be more like Client .09

Xavier Onassis said...

nightmare - "You have obviously not tried to buy a Tank lately...it seems that you can't just run right out and buy one..." I smell bullshit! I seen a movie once called "Tank". James Garner had a tank. Back in Ray County I had a neighbor that I'm pretty sure had a tank. I think he used it for deer huntin'. He was a mean sonofabitch.

travel - hey, I got no problem admitting when I am an ill-informed idiot! I swear to god (which I don't believe in) that I ALWAYS thought Spitzer was a Republican. All the way back to his Manhattan DA days. I just assumed that because he was such a crusading asshole, he had to be a Republican. I had no idea! My bad!

logtar - I have actually heard rumors that you are correct. Didn't he also have just one nut? Ya know, unlike the D's 3 nuts. Not that I'm comparing the D's nuts to Hitler's nuts or anything.

winston - you'll be much happier here: http://mikesamerica.blogspot.com/ Go play.

meeshayoucommiebastard - "...99% of out of the closet gays are democrats..." If this were an actual journalistic site I would challenge you to back that bold statement up with actual facts. But since I didn't even know what fucking party Spitzer belongs to, I'll let you off the hook with a simple "Wow! 99%! That's pretty conclusive. I had no idea!"

Winston Smith said...

Thanks for reinforcing my belief that democrats don't care about facts or truth. When someone attacks your opinions and you respond by attacking them personally, it is a sign of intellectual weakness. It also indicates that you have no interest whatever in persuading others to join you, your only interest is in talking with people who are just like you.

You don't have to go far to see a real hypocrate, he is the one staring back at you while you brush your tooth. Intolerance, hatred, and prejudice are traits of Democrats. You hate everyone who disagrees with you.

Xavier Onassis said...

winston - dood, calm down. How did I "attack you personally" by suggesting that you would be happier playing in Mike's America's sandbox? You appear to be a right winger. Mike's America caters to right wingers. Go, be with your own kind. Why would you even want to waste your time here? You aren't going to sway any opinions.

"It also indicates that you have no interest whatever in persuading others to join you..." You are absolutely correct sir! I don't give a flying fuck what you or anyone else believes or whether you agree with me or not. I'm not here to start a Movement. This is just a fucking blog. Read it or don't read it. I could give a shit.

"You don't have to go far to see a real hypocrate, he is the one staring back at you while you brush your tooth. Intolerance, hatred, and prejudice are traits of Democrats. You hate everyone who disagrees with you."

#1 Use spell check. A hypocrate would be a big wooden box used to transport hypodermic needles. I'm pretty sure you didn't mean to accuse me of being a big wooden box.

#2 I don't hate everyone who disagrees with me. I don't hate anybody. I just think stupid people and hypocrites are funny, so I like to point at them and laugh.

If that bothers you, go someplace else. It's a free blogosphere.

Stinkbait Boucher said...

For the record - I'm not a democrat and I don't attack only those who attack my beliefs. I attack and hate everyone equally.

I will admit that I get special pleasure from douches but only because they take it so well!

Internet fights are cool.

travel said...

winston,

Before you get too pissed off, you need to recognize that this site is not all serious, and actually is kinda fun to hang out at even for me, a Christian conservative. I get pissed off at the content sometimes, but I never take it personally. XO really is a good guy, despite all his flaws as a far left liberal ;-)

Spyder said...

I love this! The non democrats defending the liberals & the Christians defending the Pagans. Pretty soon I'll be defending W. Oh fuck. I haven't drank enough yet for that. I may be back after another drink.

Xavier Onassis said...

stink - "For the record - I'm not a democrat."

WHAT?!? Get the fuck off my site and never come back! You are BANNED and BLOCKED!

I believe that is the required, knee-jerk response that some folk expect.

I would hate to dissapoint them by not giving a fuck how one of my most intelligent and erudite commentors chooses to identify himself.

travel - thank you, my dear! when are you going to come out and join us at a blog meet? Dan and I have been anxious to meet you for a very long time. You may force me to extend a personal invitation to a one on one coffee klatch.

Poodles said...

XO-
Thanks for the definition of "hypocrate" I was wondering.

I just think it's funny that the right wingers get their panties in such a bunch over sex scandals. Yes he should resign, yes he should be punished, and yes his wife should throw him out (maybe the window if it is high enough). However, I don't think any of these sex scandals (dem or republican) merit the shock and awe so many blowhards give it. What should be so deserving of outrage and disgust is the lies that have led to loss of life that Bush and his douches have spewed forth.
-End Rant.