Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Tax Time

I owe, I owe, so off to work I go!

Maybe to a second job.

I may not be blogging or attending events for the rest of the year.

Hell, I may not even have internet access or cable.

I'm as serious as ass cancer.

I need to raise some serious jack (around $2.5K) in the next 60 days or I am ruthlessly dry-butt-fucked.

We're talking about a 52 year old man living on Ramen noodles and Dollar Store soup.

On the bright side, Hitler wrote "Mein Kampf" while in prison.

Apparently adversity breeds creativity.

And megalomania.


Spyder said...

Man that sucks! Sorry dude! Maybe you can rent yourself out as pool boy? I might even buy an inflatable pool & hire ya.

AKCB said...

You talk about ruthless dry butt-fucking like its a bad thing. Sorry, yo. Good luck with the fund raising. I've been there; it sucks.

emawkc said...

Your government thanks you for your generous contribution.

Midtown Miscreant said...

just do a payment plan, the intrest is like 2 pct anally, er I mean a year. Spread it out over 2 or 3 , you'll hardly notice it.

"The D" said...

The government thanks you for paying our Military salaries.

And so lazy people can get welfare.

SmedRock said...

In case you forgot D, military also pays taxes. :/ Kinda sucks that way getting double teamed lol. Just in the odd event you may have forgotten. I know I blanked my time out.

Welfare, meh, whole other post that.

crse said...

Ouch. You need a fundraiser. What about putting a little clicker thingy up on the blog saying "help xo pay his taxes" where people can contribute. I always wondered if something like that would work. Id link you up for it. Hell Ill even make a post-it!

Keith Sader said...

Well XO, I have the perfect part-time job for you, it even includes lube.

Did you ever see _Less than Zero_? Think of me as the James Spader character. ;-)

Nightmare said...

Well old school, looks like you need to old a bake sale or a "Rent" party! remember in Wayne's, beer 5 bucks at the door....Or PCU, band beer, 5 bucks at the door, PLUS restroom rent 1 to stand 2 to sit...could be a big hit!

Let me know if you need a party planner.

Shane said...

This is the part where the 31-year-old who's never had to pay more than $300 in taxes says, "That's what you get for claiming 11 deductions.

tec said...

I can relate, man. I'm currently trying to decide whether to pay my utility bills or eat this month. Maybe I should join the Freegan movement...

Faith said...

I'm with Shane. How the hell do you rack up that kind of bill? The max I've ever paid was last year, when I owed MO and Kansas a collective $1,000.

Also, you should check into a savings account, stat. I'm with ING...and am really hoping the interest rate goes back to 4.5% (annually) soon. It's down to 3% right now, but that's still better than any standard savings account at a bank!

I'm really sorry though! I'll definitely be happy to buy your drinks at the next meet up. I love you THAT MUCH. :P

KC Sponge said...

hey - if you'd like, I can take a look at your stuff.
I like a challenge!

Fiery said...

that sucks sweaty donkey balls.

Wishing you all the best XO!

Hope you find time to blog a bit, you will be sincerely missed!!!!!

dianne said...

Pool guy, huh, well....

So sorry about your tax situation. Don't worry, Obama will make it all better next year ;-)

Poodles said...

Perhaps you could pimp yourself out. Maybe on Ebay?

Xavier Onassis said...

spyder - LOL! That would cover the first 50 cents.

akcb - "You talk about ruthless dry butt-fucking like its a bad thing." I prefer a little lube and a reach around. I'm just selfish like that.

emaw - my government can suck my dick. Actually, this isn't the government's fault. It's mine. More further down.

MM - I'll definitely be doing that. The Economic Incentive Package check that I won't be getting will put a big dent in it.

D - "And so lazy people can get welfare." I might have to apply for assistance and get some o' dem gubbmint PICKLES dey got stored in dem caves. I'll share 'em witchya!

smed - I think active duty soldiers, especially soldiers serving in a combat zone should be exempt from all taxes. Seems to me they paying a high enough price for gubbmint services to the folks back home.

crse - "You need a fundraiser. What about putting a little clicker thingy up on the blog saying "help xo pay his taxes" where people can contribute." Ya know, I might just do that. What could it hurt, huh? I'm not getting any contributions now. What's the worse that could happen? I still don't have any contributions?

Keith - "Did you ever see _Less than Zero_? Think of me as the James Spader character. ;-)" If I remember that movie correctly, wouldn't that make me Robert Downey, Jr.?

nightmare - might be time to resurrect the LOTR Marathon?

shane - this is a disaster of my own making. It comes from the money I pulled out of my retirement account last year to pay taxes on money that I had to pull out of my retirement account the year before that. All of those withdrawals were absolutely critical and necessary at the time. But there are substantial taxes and penalties for early withdrawals. The "good news" is, that source of money is gone. Retirement account is empty. So next year I should be good. If I live long enough to retire I'm fucked, but next year should be just fine.

tec - I wasn't familiar with freegans and had to google it. A less messy alternative would be Harvesters. We can carpool.

faith - see my response to shane for how I got here. "I'll definitely be happy to buy your drinks at the next meet up." I'm reminded of a scene from A League of Their Own:

Walter Harvey: You kind of let me down on that San Antonio job.

Jimmy Dugan: I, uh, yeh, I, uh... I freely admit, sir, I had no right to... sell off the team's equipment like that; that won't happen again.

Walter Harvey: Let me be blunt. Are you still a fall-down drunk?

Jimmy Dugan: Well, that is blunt. Ahem. No sir, I've, uh, quit drinking.

Walter Harvey: You've seen the error of your ways.

Jimmy Dugan: No, I just can't afford it.

sponge - "if you'd like, I can take a look at your stuff." Sponge, my dear, I would love to show you my "stuff". Look it over, study it, inspect it, do whatever you think needs to be done. LOL! Actually, if you have read this far you know what the problem is. It's not a mystery or a challenge. Only way to fix it is to pay the bill.

fiery - "that sucks sweaty donkey balls." Maybe if I made a video of me sucking sweaty donkey balls and charged people to watch it...hmmmm. Warmer weather is on the way. Anybody got a donkey?

dianne - "Don't worry, Obama will make it all better next year". He will! I bet I can sell my magic pony for a pretty penny! Gobama!

poodles - "Perhaps you could pimp yourself out. Maybe on Ebay?" No way. Ebay beats they ho's bad!

KC Sponge said...

Btw - all pay received during a month when a soldier is serving in a combat zone (up to a little more than $6,000) is exempt from federal taxation - but still considered as earned income for ira contributions.

And, XO, I'm a little intimidated by your "stuff" . . . Not sure what to say . . . I'm sure I'm blushing a little . . . I'm just going to start talking about taxes again:

Do you itemize your deductions? Even though you dont own a home, you should probably check it out - especially if you had high tax liability last year, your state income taxes paid, property taxes, employee business expenses, charitable contributions, personal property taxes - they could easily exceed your standard deduction (if you file single, its only $5,300) - then there are exemptions for withdrawls we could look at - and recontribution terms if it was done recently . . . So many options.
What am I talking about? I'm sure you know what the hell you're doing . . . Still just want an excuse to look at your stuff.
(--taxes must really turn me on . . . My cheeks are getting warm.)

--not those cheeks, sicko!!