Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Online Dating

After my last divorce and a DISASTROUS blind date on the day my divorce was final, I joined a couple of online dating services.

This was the photo I had posted

At the risk exposing myself to endless ridicule from you vicious people, this was my profile:


ABOUT ME: I'm one of the last of an endangered species, a guy who is NOT a jerk! Just a nice, intelligent, honest, fun loving man who loves to laugh. I like walks in the rain, snuggling in front of a fireplace, camping under the stars, blah, blah blah. I’m sure you’ve heard it all before. Generally turns out to be a steaming load of crap, doesn’t it? I'm too old to play games. I'd rather just be totally up front and honest from the start. Makes things a whole lot easier, don't you think? The reason guys play games and blow smoke up your skirt is that they are trying to make themselves appear INTERESTING to you. At my age, I would hope that I am interesting enough just as I am, thank you very much! I’m not gonna make up a bunch of monkey poop just to impress you. I know how to treat a woman and I love to flirt. I’ve been told I’m a great kisser and a pretty darned good cook. I do have a bit of a "Sir Galahad" complex. Nothing like a "damsel in distress" to make me rise to the occasion. I'm 6’ 2”, 195 lbs. I have a beautiful, intelligent, sarcastic 9 year old daughter who’s only a few short years away from making my life a living hell. I am a constant reader, always in the middle of something. You name it, if it's good, and it captures my attention, I'll read it. I love live music. Harlings, The Levee, Grand Emporium, hell, even Brownies! I’m a pretty fair percussionist myself...not in a band or anything, just enjoy it. I'm an amateur photographer and process & print my own B&W photos. I have a great (if sometimes warped and twisted) sense of humor and prefer a woman who knows how to take a joke and can give as good as she gets.

ABOUT YOU: I know there are a lot of valid reasons why you might not have a photo posted on your profile, but PLEASE send me one if you respond! I'm not looking for Barbie, but not particularly attracted to Madeline Albright, either K? K.. There does have to be SOME physical attraction, don't you agree? And please, no Glamour Shots…all those pictures look alike to me! Gives me the creeps! It’s reminds me of “The Stepford Wives”. If you aren’t old enough to remember that movie, then we probably aren’t compatible (unless you are really, really HOT! LOL!) Be yourself! Nothing is more attractive than a woman who is comfortable with who she is and has a healthy dose of self confidence. I don't believe in "ideal matches". My tastes in women are like my tastes in books; I'm willing to read a couple of chapters and if it captures my interest, I'll keep reading and see how it ends.

Do you want to meet a really nice guy who knows how to treat a woman? Want to have some fun? Drop me a line and say hello! What have you got to lose? Nothing but the time it takes to write an email. You won't be sorry.


I guess I only did the online thing for a year to 18 months. It was a blast! I met some great women, many of whom are still my closest friends, and just had a lot of fun.

But I also had to wade through some of the most gawd awful, crappy, and at times even deceptive profiles you can imagine.

What comes next is not original, by any means. I'm sure most of you have seen a version of this in email chain letters.

But I am here to testify as one who "has been, done that", this shit is fucking TRUE!


"40-ish" = 49

"adventurous" = slept with everyone

"athletic" = no tits

"average looking" = fugly

"beautiful" = pathological liar

"contagious smile" = stoner. She got weed! She got weed!

"emotionally secure" = heavily medicated. Probably Prozac.

"feminist" = no blow jobs

"free spirit" = junkie

"friendship first" = trying to shake reputation as a slut

"fun" = annoying

"New Age" = body hair in all the wrong places, reeks of patchouli

"open minded" = desperate

"outgoing" = loud and embarrassing

"passionate" = sloppy drunk

"professional" = materialistic bitch, you better have a beemer.

"voluptuous" = very fat

"large frame" = hugely fat...measured in acres, not pounds.

"looking for soul mate" = STALKER! Use fake name, meet at hotel, give her your brother's phone number. But go ahead and do her.

Yeah, I know. This was an uncreative, easy way out.

But fuck you. I got left over Gates from lunch calling to me from downstairs.

Maybe I'll feel more creative after some delish BBQ and deviled egg tater salad.


Average Jane said...

That sounds like a perfectly reasonable profile to post.

Stinkbait Boucher said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stinkbait Boucher said...

Yeah- that was me. I deleted the comment before the grammar police came calling with a broomstick.

Here's what I said with the most serious of grammatical offenses addressed:

I'm going to have to come back to this post later. I'm in the middle of watching the Olympics with a life-loving, corpulent, kind-hearted, voracious skimmer of books.

And she got weed.

Satyavati devi dasi said...

I'm gonna sit down later tonight and write out a hypothetical profile that would work using your dictionary here.

Though I guess for me I could just put 'FREAK' and be done with it.

Anonymous said...

The real meanings you spelled out. Priceless man.

I tried on-line dating 10 years ago. Didn't work. Met my wife at the Mall. She was carrying 3 Nordstrom bags. That should have been my first clue.

Joe said...

I guess I'm lucky but I tried and met Sandra. She was the first gal I got as far as a face to face with and it was all good after that. 5 years later we're doing swimmingly.

Poodles said...

When I was dating, the net still ran in DOS, but you could cyber with nerds at other college computer labs.

I can't imagine dating again. I'm too old, fat and cranky. I'm pretty sure that wouldn't make a great profile.

May said...

Psht! Feminists give the best blow jobs, I don't know what you're talking about.

Anonymous said...

First thing I'd ask this guy is .. is that background your house?

If yes,

Lovely, and I especially like your doily...did you make it?


(Hiding and ducking and not signing real name)

emawkc said...

I half expected to read this in your profile:

"Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne.
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape.
At a bar called O'Malley's, where we'll plan our escape."

Midtown Miscreant said...

I'm shocked you think so little of your readers. Why none of us would take a cheap shot at you. A deeeelightful post.

By the way, pleated dockers give some men a child bearing hip-ish type look. Looks good on you though.

Xavier Onassis said...

anonymous - the background WAS my house, decorated by my ex wife. The doilies were hers, as was the choice of wallpaper for the parlor.

You'd be able to tell if I had decorated it. No doilies, but maybe a Type 1 Phaser, a sword and the Helm of Eledil in the background.

I'm not even fucking kidding.

Pascal Ebert said...

I'm more than somewhat disturbed by the picture as the d├ęcor matches perfectly that of a local funeral parlour that I often to visit to ponder necromancy.

Perhaps I've met your ex-wife?

Xavier Onassis said...

pascal - I always thought the decor was more turn-of-the-century French Whore House rather than local funeral parlor.

If you have met my ex, you have my deepest sympathies.

Has she shut the fuck up yet?

Probably not.

Fiery said...

I'd totally tap that. :D

meesha.v said...

I just found a photo for the next caption contest.

Xavier Onassis said...

meesha - Shit. I knew this was a bad idea!

fiery - as with most things in life, the fantasy is better than the reality. But thanks for the compliment.

meesha.v said...

It was between that and "I'd totally tap that. :D" but the latter was already used.