Saturday, December 13, 2008

Holiday Miscellany

So I was out running some errands today up in Liberty. Having lived there for a couple of years I know how to get around on the back roads and side streets so as to keep traffic congestion and human interaction to a bare fucking minimum. Because I really don't like people very much. Scratch that...too many words again...I really don't like people. Period. Except for you, of course. And that babe over there with the great rack and the badonkadonk.

So I'm on Church Rd., if you can believe that shit. It runs parallel to 35 on the west side and it's a good way to get to the Liberty Walmart area and avoids the Holy Australian Clusterfuck that is the intesection of I-35 and 152.

I'm coming up on the Cedar Crest development. It's a bunch of duplexes that I looked into the last time I moved. They were all right. Just kind of plain and boring.

But not any fucking more! No sir! They now have what folks in Real Estate call a Distinguishing Feature. Something that sets them apart from other residential developments. Something to make them stand out from the crowd.

They have Robo-Jeebus.

(you should click to embiggen and get a better look...the backlighting was a bad idea)

Well, maybe not an actual Robo-Jeebus. I never saw him move. But he could still be a robot. He could just be standing sentinal like Gort in "The Day The Earth Stood Still" until the property manager says "Chrsito barada nicto" or something. Then he goes about righteously smiting delinquent duplex renters and collecting the fucking rent.

I've never been very good at estimating the size of things (other than my 14" penis), but this giganto-Jeebus has to be 25 or 30 feet tall. And I don't know if that is aluminum, or stainless steel or what the fuck it is.

The thing is, if it were in front of a church or something, it would be kinda cool and pretty impressive.

But it's not! It's just standing there in front of a bunch of duplexes for NO APPARENT REASON! That's fucked up!

I can just hear this conversation:

FRIEND 1: "Dood, I need to hook up with you to buy some blow and have some gay sex. How do I get to your place?"

FRIEND 2: "It's easy. Get on I-35 north and take the Pleasant Valley exit. Make a left, cross under the highway and then make a right on Church Rd. right by the QT there. Keep going until you see a shiny, 30 FOOT TALL, STAINLESS STEEL, GIANT FUCKING JESUS CHRIST SHOOTING DIVINE FUCKING DEATH RAYS FROM HIS FUCKING HEART!! That's me. Make a left. I'm 37B. Bring lube!"


m.v. said...

this clearly beats all the inflatable penguin shit we have in Olathe.I am almost willing to drive there to bask in the rays of the Liberty's version of Christ the Redeemer

Anonymous said...

from hot babe to bizarro jebus statue, you sure now how to mess with a guys mind. :)

what's with the first pic of the manger scene?

SmedRock said...

Do you have the need to make a confession XO? Merry Christmas you heathen non-believer.

Keith Sader said...

Great, now I'll be awake nights wondering if robo-jeezus lurvs me!

May said...

That's hilarious... only in the Midwest, man.

Nuke said...

It can be seen from the highway. As we pass it going home from Excelsior (south)springs. We call it 50 foot Jesus.

Lynn said...

I was going to write about that thing one of these days. Did the people in the duplexes get a say as to whether or not giagantojeebus would be installed in their neighborhood? Do people have to have permits for that sort of thing? And seriously, wtf? It's very disturbing.

Xavier Onassis said...

ozatheist - the homeless shelter in downtoan Kansas City, the City Union Mission (yes, that would be CUM...think, people, THINK!) puts on a Live Nativity every year.

Bums in robes (not to be confused with Guns & Roses...completely different).

I can only imagine the selction process that goes into choosing who gets to be Baby Jeebus.

Fiery said...

Regarding the Nativity picture...

Ummmm Mary is an Al-Queda terrorist

and bums in robes- BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! apparently i just have ass on the brain.

RoboJebus lurvs me this I know! For the bums in robeses tells me so.

Anonymous said...

Huh. No recent posts. Have you stopped posting? Taken a sabbatical? Found God?

"Recharging your batteries"?