Monday, February 02, 2009

The Book of Job - Ongoing 2

Job's Second Test

Job 2 (New International Version)

1 On another day the angels [a] came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came with them to present himself before him. 2 And the LORD said to Satan, "Where have you come from?" Satan answered the LORD, "From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it."

Again with Satan showing up at the Heavenly Staff Meetings and God not knowing shit!

3 Then the LORD said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil. And he still maintains his integrity, though you incited me against him to ruin him without any reason."

So God is stepping to the Devil!

4 "Skin for skin!" Satan replied. "A man will give all he has for his own life. 5 But stretch out your hand and strike his flesh and bones, and he will surely curse you to your face."
6 The LORD said to Satan, "Very well, then, he is in your hands; but you must spare his life."

TRANSLATION: God told Satan, "OK, you took everything he had away from him and he still didn't curse me. But just to keep this sadistic bet going, you can fuck Job up as much as you want short of outright killing him, and we'll see what happens."

7 So Satan went out from the presence of the LORD and afflicted Job with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the top of his head.

And that's OK with God. It's all part of The Game.

8 Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes.

What The Fuck? A little self mutilation? Or a medicinal attempt to lance the sores?

9 His wife said to him, "Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!"

Nice supportive spouse! She must have has quite the insurance policy on this gullible bastard.

10 He replied, "You are talking like a foolish [b] woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.

Yeah. Calling your wife a "foolish woman" is always a good call. Let me know how that works out for you.

Job's Three Friends

11 When Job's three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him.

12 When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads.

Ummm, yeah. It always makes me feel better when my friends do that when they see me suffering. Fucking freaks.

13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.

Yes! Stare at me for a week with your dirty hair and torn up clothes without talking to me! That will fix everything! I feel so much better now you filthy, raggedy-assed mimes!

That's enough for tonight! There are 42 Chapters to the Book of Job. We're barely half way through Chapter 1.

You can't make this shit up! Doh! Wait! Yes you can!


Anonymous said...

Those Jews sure wrote some funny stuff, didn't they "hip" guy?

Sick of Atheists, cause I know what they did to grandpa when they had the political power in the old country.

emawkc said...

Careful Anonymous. Religious organizations don't necessarily have an unblemished record when it comes to human rights. Just ask Tomas de Torquemada or Warren Jeffs.

Midtown Miscreant said...

Funny take as usual with just the right amount of "Atheist Anger". I've said before I'm agnostic, so I hope for your sake you are right with the whole "There is no God" thing, otherwise you are in deep shit.
I think JOB is also the book believers refer to when asked about dinosuars. The leviathan being either a dinosuar, a whale, or my second wife.

May said...

This is a great idea for a series of posts! Job always creeped me out and most def. fit my idea of the Xian god as a big fat jerk who, if he did exist, probably hated me.

I Travel for JOOLS said...

Glad to see you're reading the Bible, XO. When you get to the end of Job, I'll leave my comments. :)