The Book of Job - Ongoing 3

NOTE: All Bible passages are taken from BibleGateway.com.

Job 3-38

For the next 35 fucking chapters, Job bitches about God and his 3 filthy, raggedy ass friends egg him on. At least that's all I can glean from a quick scanning because, quite frankly, it was just too fucking tedious to read word for word. I got no patience for that shit.

Here is a sample:

Job 3

Job Speaks

1 After this, Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth. 2 He said:
3 "May the day of my birth perish,
and the night it was said, 'A boy is born!'

4 That day—may it turn to darkness;
may God above not care about it;
may no light shine upon it.

5 May darkness and deep shadow [a] claim it once more;
may a cloud settle over it;
may blackness overwhelm its light.

6 That night—may thick darkness seize it;
may it not be included among the days of the year
nor be entered in any of the months.

7 May that night be barren;
may no shout of joy be heard in it.

8 May those who curse days [b] curse that day,
those who are ready to rouse Leviathan.

9 May its morning stars become dark;
may it wait for daylight in vain
and not see the first rays of dawn,

10 for it did not shut the doors of the womb on me
to hide trouble from my eyes.

11 "Why did I not perish at birth,
and die as I came from the womb?

12 Why were there knees to receive me
and breasts that I might be nursed?

13 For now I would be lying down in peace;
I would be asleep and at rest

14 with kings and counselors of the earth,
who built for themselves places now lying in ruins,

15 with rulers who had gold,
who filled their houses with silver.

16 Or why was I not hidden in the ground like a stillborn child,
like an infant who never saw the light of day?

17 There the wicked cease from turmoil,
and there the weary are at rest.

18 Captives also enjoy their ease;
they no longer hear the slave driver's shout.

19 The small and the great are there,
and the slave is freed from his master.

20 "Why is light given to those in misery,
and life to the bitter of soul,

21 to those who long for death that does not come,
who search for it more than for hidden treasure,

22 who are filled with gladness
and rejoice when they reach the grave?

23 Why is life given to a man
whose way is hidden,
whom God has hedged in?

24 For sighing comes to me instead of food;
my groans pour out like water.

25 What I feared has come upon me;
what I dreaded has happened to me.

26 I have no peace, no quietness;
I have no rest, but only turmoil."

Christ! What a fucking whiny bitch! Blah, blah, blah!

Then we get to Chapter 38 and God responds to Job saying "Who the fuck are you? What do you know? I created the fucking universe! What have you done? NOTHING! This goes on for a couple of chapters. God is pretty full of himself. Talk about hubris! Pride goeth before the fall, Yaweh! Just sayin'!

Here is some of God's rant:

Job 38

The LORD Speaks

1 Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:
2 "Who is this that darkens my counsel
with words without knowledge?

3 Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.

4 "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.

5 Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?

6 On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone-

7 while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels [a] shouted for joy?

8 "Who shut up the sea behind doors
when it burst forth from the womb,

9 when I made the clouds its garment
and wrapped it in thick darkness,

10 when I fixed limits for it
and set its doors and bars in place,

11 when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther;
here is where your proud waves halt'?

12 "Have you ever given orders to the morning,
or shown the dawn its place,

13 that it might take the earth by the edges
and shake the wicked out of it?

14 The earth takes shape like clay under a seal;
its features stand out like those of a garment.

15 The wicked are denied their light,
and their upraised arm is broken.

16 "Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea
or walked in the recesses of the deep?

17 Have the gates of death been shown to you?
Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death [b] ?

18 Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth?
Tell me, if you know all this.

19 "What is the way to the abode of light?
And where does darkness reside?

20 Can you take them to their places?
Do you know the paths to their dwellings?

21 Surely you know, for you were already born!
You have lived so many years!

22 "Have you entered the storehouses of the snow
or seen the storehouses of the hail,

23 which I reserve for times of trouble,
for days of war and battle?

24 What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed,
or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth?

25 Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain,
and a path for the thunderstorm,

26 to water a land where no man lives,
a desert with no one in it,

27 to satisfy a desolate wasteland
and make it sprout with grass?

28 Does the rain have a father?
Who fathers the drops of dew?

29 From whose womb comes the ice?
Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens

30 when the waters become hard as stone,
when the surface of the deep is frozen?

31 "Can you bind the beautiful [c] Pleiades?
Can you loose the cords of Orion?

32 Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons [d]
or lead out the Bear [e] with its cubs?

33 Do you know the laws of the heavens?
Can you set up God's [f] dominion over the earth?

34 "Can you raise your voice to the clouds
and cover yourself with a flood of water?

35 Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?
Do they report to you, 'Here we are'?

36 Who endowed the heart [g] with wisdom
or gave understanding to the mind [h] ?

37 Who has the wisdom to count the clouds?
Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens

38 when the dust becomes hard
and the clods of earth stick together?

39 "Do you hunt the prey for the lioness
and satisfy the hunger of the lions

40 when they crouch in their dens
or lie in wait in a thicket?

41 Who provides food for the raven
when its young cry out to God
and wander about for lack of food?

O.K., O.K., we get it! You're God! You're All Powerful! Your Omniscient! You control every single last fucking thing on the fucking planet! Fine! Get over yourself! Jesus!

Oh, and BTW God, pretty much every question you asked yer buddy Job has since been answered, by humans, using SCIENCE! BOOYAH! Skidoosh!

By Chapter 42 Job is kissing God's ass and apologizing for being a mere, stoopid human and essentially thanking God for letting Satan fuck him up.

Then God gets pissed at Job's 3 friends for encourgaing him, orders them to throw Job a huge BBQ of 7 bulls and 7 rams.

Then God rewards Job for his patience by giving him 14,000 sheep, 6,000 camels, 1,000 yoke of oxen and "a thousand she-asses".

[NOTE: I might reconsider my position if God tossed a couple of "she-asses", some nose candy and a big jug of Astro-Glide my way. Go a long way towards coverting THIS heathen. Just sayin'.]

Job also had 7 sons, 3 daughters, and lived to be 140.

Yeah. Right. Because Universal Health Care was so much better in 2000 BCE.

Give me a fucking break!

The End.

Next up - I seem to remember a story from the Bible where God sent somebody on a mission, then secretly ambushed him to prevent him from completing his task, wrestled him, God LOST the fucking wrestling match, and then later acted like nothing had happened.

I gotta find that story.